From Chess, to Boxing, to Life.

Coder and chess player Gautam Narula said: "If chess is anything, it is a game of second chances. Chess, like life, rewards perseverance."

A player utilizes strategies and tactics to disarm the opponent while being aware of constant danger. Just like in life, in chess, sometimes you have to sacrifice something, to gained something bigger. You have to believe that a true sacrifice is a victory. You fight like hell and as hard as you can until the game is over. If you lose the game, learn from your mistake and you try again and again, giving your best until you win the game.

I've been obsessing over learning chess for about a year, and now I'm obsessing to do better at it. There are so many correlation between chess and life. The whole point of chess is that you have to protect the king, your king and you have to attack your opponent's king in order to win. In this world, we see so many powerful man ruling a country, a small team, a bigger team, a town. Yet, in chess, the queen is the only one who can move anywhere, and somehow showing more power than the king. It shows us that women are powerful. We are powerful. In chess, the queen might have to protect the king, and sometimes we have to sacrifice the queen in order to win the game. Isn't it always the same story? The man act like he's the one who's protecting everyone, when in fact, women are the glue. Women, are the one who protects and sometimes we have to sacrifice ourselves, to win the battle.

I watched Beautiful Creatures the other day, and there was this one speech that I keep reading and watching, "Sacrifice. It's not what I would call a modern word. People hear the word sacrifice and they become afraid that something will be taken away from them or that they will have to give up something they couldn't live without. Sacrifice, to them, means loss in a world telling us we could have it all. But I believe a true sacrifice is a victory. That's because it requires free will to give up something for someone you love, or something or someone you love more than yourself. I won't lie to you. It's a gamble. Sacrifice won't take away pain and loss, but it wins the battle against bitterness, the bitterness that dims the light on all of the true value in our lives." Such a powerful speech.

But I don't want to be just man's right hand, I want to rule, I want to lead. If I can't do that in the world that see and think that men are always and will always be more powerful than women, then lets rule this world together. Let women lead this world alongside man. Not as their, for example, wife, but really leading it together, together. Because the truth is, men need women more than we need men. No offence.

If you're a guy, you will probably think this post is bullshit. From what I see is that most men are so doubtful that women are capable of doing the things men supposed to do. Men thinks that, there are things that women should not do because it's a man's job to do it. Let me just say, no. Absolutely, not! We, women, are as capable as men.

I once saw on TV, a man and a woman boxed a heavy bag for a couple of minutes to show which one is stronger and faster in speed. At the end, the woman boxed the heavy bag like she was Captain America. Yeah, you heard me right, like Captain America. The heavy bag simply fell off. This shows us that sometimes, women are as capable as men. But lets not be a feminists here. We know that most women are not as physically strong as men, but there are things that most men can't do but women can.

Ray Williams once writes an interesting article and I welcome the research evidence that confirms my anecdotal experience of female leaders, "Tony Schwartz, writing in the Harvard Business Review Blog Network describes what women know about leadership that men don't, arguing "An effective modern leader requires a blend of intellectual qualities—The ability to think analytically, strategically and creatively—and emotional ones, including self-awareness, empathy and humility... I meet far more women with this blend of qualities than I do men."" Combine this with the common female traits of wanting to help other and do good in the world, plus a powerful work ethic and women indeed have to potential to be great leaders.

However, the risk is that too much introspection can lead to lower self-esteem and prevarication. Women have to work hard to ensure a robust balance between sharing/discussing issues and decisive action.

I know and have met a lot of different kind of people with different kind of mind, and I realized that just like Racism, "Sexism" and "Feminism" is still an issue. When in fact, women can also be a badass. 

From this post is that I just want us to take a minute and realized that, we all have our differences and each of us have weakness. Just because its a rough kind of job that you usually see men doing it, doesn't mean women are not capable of doing and taking care of herself. As someone who is pretty independent, I dislikes those who thinks I need protection, especially when doing something dangerous. I am pretty capable of doing it myself, physically and mentally. Women are strong. We are strong enough to at least rule and lead our own life. We are strong enough to point out that we don't need men to know who we are. We are strong, and no one can say otherwise.

First it sweet then.. Its sour

The only thing I have left of us is just memories. The memory of you smiling. The memory of us laughing together over something ridiculously silly. The memory of us talk about some sort of stuff. Now all I can do is just replay it in my mind, over and over again. And I can't even talk to you or tell you how much I miss you without feeling hurt afterwards 'cause it just wasn't the same anymore. They say to go and chase after what you want, but in case of this thing that you want turns out to be a someone, what if they don't want to be chase? What did you do then? Letting that person go? Is that what you do when you care about someone? Aren't you supposed to fight like hell? I am confused, and am so tired of reading between the lines. 

Remembering the times that we had. first it sweet then.. Its sour. Its like you woke up one morning, and decided that you don't want me anymore. I dont think about you anymore, but i don't think about you any less. I never get it how things really work and never even feel this desperate to make things like it used to. 

They say action speaks louder than words and sometimes silence can be heard, but this time, all I hear is a complete silence. Silence that only he understand the meaning behind it. He keep running. Running away from his feelings, us, everything. And its like being put on a chain, so every time I tried to let him go, when he runs, I still get dragged anyway.

Do you ever feel that kind of love that makes you a much better person and just by loving them and feel loved by that person makes you feel like you have enough? That kind of love that makes you feel like that person is your saving grace? And all you want is that things wouldn't change, and that beautiful thing you have wouldn't end too fast or simply wouldn't end at all? 

I want to know how that feels like. I want to feel that kind of love. So far though, my luck on love is just not on my side. I guess it will never be on my side. 

Bullying is a REAL problem

I live in Indonesia for almost my entire life and bullying is not really an issue in here. But without realizing it, it is. I am not proud to say that, when I was in junior high, I might have bullied someone and I am really sorry about that. No excuses, it was just plain cruel. And in America and other different countries, bullying is a very real problem. It is very hard at that age when you have no strength to fight them except with your words. There will always be that person who just likes to bully the 'weak' kid, but it doesn't have to be that way, because bullying doesn't only involve the bully and the victim. It also involve... you! The witness. People who watched someone gets bullied and do nothing is almost the same as bullying them. So please, if anyone see someone that is being bully, either physically or mentally, please speak up and stop them and I will try my hardest to do the same.

Cynthia Clara,
xxx

Mash up: Sesame Street & Zach Levi

I have to admit its not that good, but its not that bad because I love Zach Levi. But the Sesame Street puppets are kind of annoying. 

New TV series

Do you know what is more exciting than waiting for a new episode of your favourite TV series? Its finding a new good TV series to watch and even though this is going to be crazy tense, I think it will be crazy good. 

And I just realized that its Alfie Enoch who played Dean Thomas in Harry Potter. (Holy shit?)

Check out How To Get Away With Murder, from the creator of Scandal and Greys Anatomy, Shonda Rhimes: 

Timing and more life complication: is a bitch.

You know how they all said that we have to keep fighting for the one that we love? How they said that you should never let go of someone that you really love, instead if you think that they're worth a whole lot to you, you should never let them go and always fight for them.

Sometimes the problem of loving someone is timing; both of you got the chemistry, but the timing wasn't right and just like John Mayer said in his interview back in 2010, he said, "Have you ever loved somebody, loved her completely, but had to end the relationship for life reasons?"

Yes, timing is a bitch.

What's more maddening is that I have this questions in my mind that keeps popping up, it says that, "What is it that you have to do to keep the one that you love? How do I know if he's worth it enough? What if I let this all go when years and years later, when we see each other again, all of my instinct that saying right now he also liked me and that I should just fight for him was right, but I let it all go just because everyone is saying that I really need to let this go and I really should," and I have zero clue what to do next.

Don't tell me that just because I'm a girl, I can't chase after what I want. I mean, hello! this is 2014, without us girls chasing after what we want back in 1848, we won't have women's right by now.

I know by now I'm probably starting get on your nerve for talking so much about love and love and love and love. Its just that I don't fall in love that much and once I get a chance have a glimpse at love's face after all this time, its very troubling hence I froze and did the most regrettable thing to do: walking away. But then I walk right back in, realizing that it was too late.

The love. Ugh I sounded so hopeless romantic, but the love that I am trying to get into is like playing games. The both of us playing games to see if we're actually noticing that the other is agitating due to the other one is trying not to look as if they're care and feeling whatever we feelings. This is so distressful. I don't even know if all of that theory nonsense is real or just my feelings and I was wrong. I guess we'll never know if its true or if I'm just imagining it.

So many facial expression that I make whilst writing this. Well, I make a lot of facial expression every time I wrote something.

I guess it can be true (the theory nonsense) since we're almost too alike, and since I have never really express my true feelings for him if there was sparks between us and he has been trying (even though not hard enough. duh.) to make me realized that there was, well, is a spark, then if I was him I'll be doing the same thing to me.

But may I just add that this is the worst game I've ever play and trust me, I know a lot of substandard games even though I rarely play games, so yeah I know. So back to the question, how do I know if he's worth my time? I know that I have this feelings telling me that I should just keep trying. Just keep trying to break down all of those wall around him. At least if it didn't work out, I might still can get an explanation of what happened between us, more specifically what happened to him. And at least, I tried and I will not regret my decision of not trying in the future.

I can give you so many reasons to why I want to be the one who fights for love, but I will tell you this, I am a women, yes. I am very impatient, yes. Therefore, if I have to do nothing for another second, I will die because of all of the conversation in my head trying to figure it out everything; from my next move and figuring out what really happen and what really is going on. I will probably literally die because of it, well, at least get myself into a loony-bin or asylum, that is the worst case scenario. So yes, I will go after what I want, but all of that doesn't make me desperate because I don't feel desperate. And yes, it is okay to go after what you want, all you need to have is confidence: to do it and doing it. Hence no one can mock you if anything goes wrong.

If... I still think about him constantly until I finish all of my exams, then I might really go after what I want. But if not, all I can say is that timing really is a bitch and we should never have played this stupid game, we should just talk it out instead. But again, timing is a big fat bitch.

The Universal Truth

Stop assuming. Just because you assumed that I don't care, doesn't make it true. just because I don't look like I care about any of it, doesn't mean I don't feel it. Stop assuming that you know how I feel, 'cause you don't. You really don't. You're not I; you're not in my head, you don't know what I think, let alone how I feel.


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My mother. I resented her so much when I was a kid. But she did make me understand things and she did a few things right; she taught me to take care of myself. She taught me that the only person I can count on is myself. She taught me that when you love someone, just because you feel it but you don't show it, doesn't mean that it’s the same thing. She taught me that life is scary, and I'm the only person who can decide, if it there is something or someone worth keeping, fighting for, etc in my life or not.

I don't know why, sometimes I feel so mad at everyone.

I am so mad at everyone who leaves. I am so mad at everyone who didn't try. I am so mad at everyone who can't take care of themselves. I mean, GET IT TOGETHER, PEOPLE.

I've been writing so much, even though I'm currently have a lot of exams but I just can't help it. There are so many things that I want to write and turns out, it helps me a little. It helps me to forgive, to forget, to feel, to remember... to cope. But so many things that are too personal that I don't think its even appropriate to post it in the internet.



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Marah.
Marah banget gue sama semua. Sama dia. Dan dia.
There are so many things that I wanted to get it out of my chest, but all of a sudden, all I can feel is anger. I'm so angry at him. I know that we do have a problem, and he doesn't say anything just so he can torture me. I know that he knows.

I guess its true that its the universal truth: people let you down.

I know that time will heal everything, but I haven't felt a thing in forever except pain. Until he came along. But now he's gone. So may I ask, when is that time will come? 

Epiphany

I just had epiphany. About love. About him.

So you know how I said that I took the first step of taking risk on love? Yea, it didn't went so well. Turns out I feel less and less good about love. I keep thinking maybe I'm not one those girls who can just have boyfriend all the time. Maybe its true that I have zero luck on love. Maybe its all true. But the hell with what I feel about love. I know that I should believe in love, like I believe that I can do my finals. But its so hard when I can't even prove it myself that I can still feel the kind of love that making me feel like the time is stop moving. 'Cause love is a two way street, so it means that if I'm the only person who feel the love, then I'm totally screwed.

I lose hope on love. For someone who is so young and already lose hope on love is like a 5 year old kid who doesn't believe in magic or fairies. Its sad.

I wish I can read mind so I don't have to ask people what they're thinking. I don't have to ask them if there is something they wish to tell me, 'cause I already know. (M.O.R.S!!!!!) I am an HSPs; High Sensitive Person. But not the kind of person who annoyed or sensitive over something very insignificant. Its like someone who was the ability of empath, but HSP doesn't quite feel things the way a person who is an empath feel. So sometimes I know what others feel, since we HSPs are more observant towards the tiny things around us, but since people that are around me are usually unhappy and I think I'm more connected to my pain sensor (I have no idea what I'm talking about here) so I guess I noticed a lot of pain around me, and less happiness (but yes I do feel happy, eventhough its someone else's feelings). So I think that is why sometimes I try to block out my feelings, but mostly maybe because I get all the vibe from somebody else's. I don't know, I'm no expert, that is just how I felt.

Anyway, so its not really possible for me to know what others think or feeling specifically, which makes it worse.

Ok, go back to the main topic; yes, I tell that someone about my feelings, which is terrifying but I felt good and bad at the same time after.

I told him I miss him, but all I get was a "what's up?" and all of my texts were just read and ignored. Ouch. That hurts men. Then I got really angry, 'cause he's my friend, but its been really weird between us and I don't really know what happen exactly since I can't actually read mind, so he needs to talk instead of running away, but he still running and I'm too tired to catch up, but its like he put a string around me, so even though I don't want to catch up with him, when he runs, I still get dragged anyway.

But then I realized something; I can't expect someone to be just like me. I can't expect anyone to realized their flaws and pointing it out to themselves, so they can change the way they act. I can't expect anyone to feel anything that I'm feeling. I can't expect anyone to say something that I want them to say. 'Cause that is not how it works. At least he didn't say he misses me back because I cornered him. Means that the next time if he ever say that he miss me, it will be sincere. So the next time he talk about his feelings (if it will ever happen) means that its sincere and its the truth. Isn't that what I expect to get from someone? So why did I get so angry about something like?

Sometimes, I wish that he reads my blog so he knows what I'm feeling. To know that I'm always late feeling and showing my feelings towards someone. To know that I'm not good telling someone how I feel or showing it for that matter. For me, its very hard, hence if you see me act awkwardly means that I care about you or I have feelings for you. I know, I know its not that easy to read between the line, I get it, but I really hope that someone try to. By someone I mean, him. I mean, you.

You know, all I need is a sign, just one sign telling me that there is still hope and not letting me feeling this way while he still hung up about his ex ('cause that would be worse than horrible). 'Cause I miss him and I think I'm ready. I'm ready to take that risk.

Just.. show me something.

Discovery Through Writing

Today I did a lot of things that I thought I wouldn't do.

So today I did something that I thought I wouldn't do and that is taking risk on love. Love that I'm talking about doesn't have to be the love that you feel towards someone in a romantic way, it can be love you feel towards your family or your friends. And I never thought I would do it, but I did. I took the first step on showing and telling the love I feel towards someone. It was the most terrifying moment, but I still don't know how it will turn out but at least I try to do something about it right?

Now, I had English exam this morning and I think it went well and in the second part of the question was to do a creative writing, and you can choose the topic you want to write about and I chose: Discoveries.

When you hear the word discovery you probably started thinking about archaeology or things that are science related. But no, I did not wrote about anything that are science related, instead I wrote about something that you might can relate to.

We all longing to discover new things; new place; new experience. We see things and we see people as if there is nothing interesting about them. And you've got the urge to discover new things.

Never I have ever read a book that I can really relate to or the kind of book that worth reading, never I have ever read a book so good it become my new favourite book. And never I have ever met a person who unexpectedly turn out to have such an amazing talent or personality for example.

So then I started reading books that mean something, books that someone might can relate to or books that you can learn from. I started watching and reading more news, to know what is going on around me. To know what is going on in this world that I'm living. When I am doing something or spending my time with someone, I sometime like pressing a pause button or a slow motion button, to enjoy the moment, to remember that moment as I someday will look back and I might thank myself for doing that. Thanking myself for taking the time to feel what I felt at the time. To appreciate the thing that I currently have.

I started to notice the change in the way I talk,
I started to notice the change in the way I think,
I started to notice the change in the way I dressed,
And I started to notice the change in the way others talk, think and dressed.
I started to notice them as if they just got here, they just magically appeared in front of me, in this world, in this planet that I am living. Then when I was trying not to be an ignorant by learning new things, those people got those urge to discover new things. To go through the same phases I just went through. And without us realizing, we become interested in each other. To be each other's teacher, student and friends. And others become interesting.

I started to notice the tiny details that I wouldn't notice before. And I discover other's true self. I discover that, people are all predictable but if you change the way you see things, they will still be predictable, but you see something else; you see that there is a small part of them left that can be discover. I discovered who my true friends are and I discovered that even though love is full of uncertainty, but so does life, and we don't seem too scared to go on with our life, so why should we feel scared on taking risk on love?

From all of these changes, without me realizing, I also discovered the most important thing, and that is, myself. Through all of this I discovered, me. I discovered that I am more than I thought I was. I discovered that I can be more than I was before, and I can be more than I am now.

Discoveries. Is there anything else that is still worth discovering? Is there?!

The concept of discovery doesn't have to be discovering new solution to physics or mathematical problems or the discovery of a cure of a certain disease. There is something or someone around you that is worth and waiting to be discover, see things differently, and you will see the change.

Through writing those essay I realized things that I never before, and I found some joy through this. Through writing. and the essay that I wrote was no longer a fiction, 'cause its true, through writing, I discover who I am, who I was, who I want to be, who my friends are, who are worth fighting for, who are better cut off from my life and who I might take for granted but I want them in my life. As it turned out, writing that essay help me discovered things I never thought I would even realized it in real life.

 Therefore, all I can say is that, through writing I discover it all.

R.T. 1

Pernah ga sih lo merasa lost banget sehingga lo gak tau lagi harus apa?

Lo mau melakukan banyak hal tapi semua udah lo lakuin, the only thing left yang lo harus lakuin itu the scariest thing yang ada di to do list lo dan you try so hard avoiding doing that thing.

Gue sedang di keadaan dimana gue punya masalah yang gak jelas, yang gak ada solusi. Gak jelas karena kayanya cuma gue aja yang ngerasa masalah ini itu ada dan sebenernya semua masalah itu pasti punya solusi, i just haven't found it yet. Dan gue juga sedang berada di keadaan dimana tingkat ketidak yakinan untuk melakukan sesuatu yang punya dua hasil: hasil pertama, membuat gue lega karena gak harus merasakan apa yang gue rasakan, dan hasil kedua, membuat gue merasa semakin kacau dan sekarang bukan saat yang tepat untuk merasa kacau dan sedih.

SO WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

So lost sampe gak ngerti lagi.

I'm so mad at myself for making complicated thing becomes more complicated, and even I want to throw myself under a truck. I seriously don't know what to do.

Merindukan seseorang itu hal yang sangat amat tidak menyenangkan. Merindukan seseorang itu nyiksa banget. Menyiksa jiwa. Tapi kalau gue nya aja gak bilang gue rindu akan sang seseorang, gimana dia bisa bilang kalau di rindu sama gue? Pertanyaan terpentingnya itu tuh, gue kuat gak kalau tau-tau dia cuma bilang sesuatu yang bener-bener out of the content, supaya dia gak harus saying that he misses me back? Kuat ga tuh? Apa iya gue mau merusak semua yang udah gue perjuanganin demi bilang kalau gue rindu akan si seseorang ini?

Kenapa sih cinta harus ribet? Kenapa ga se-simple converting oxygen into carbon dioxide? Kenapa gak?
Kenapa kita membuat semuanya ribet? Terutama dalam hal cinta.
Kenapa kita membuat semunya ribet dengan mempunyai harga diri yang terlalu tinggi, sampai lebih milih harga diri di banding cinta?
Se-gak penting itukah cinta?
Jadi selama ini, gue sakit hati karena hal gak penting?
Jadi selama ini, gue harus merubah diri gue karena hal gak penting?
Kalau gak penting, inti semua ini tuh apa gue tanya?! apa???!!!!!!!

Pertanyaan yang paling utama tuh sebenernya, kenapa gue harus rindu sama dia? Dan kenapa sekarang? Kenapa saat ini? Kenapa gak sebulan lagi? Kenapa gak sebulan yang lalu? Kenapa disaat gue sedang sibuk ujian dan belajar dan shaping my future, harus timbulnya rasa seperti ini lagi?! Then come the big question, WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

Apa iya gue abaikan aja?
Apa iya gue rasain sampai perasaan rindunya hilang sendiri?
Atau gue ungkapin aja?

WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

Ugh. This post is full of me rambling, I want to choke myself.

Thought of him

Like Jeff Buckley said, "And maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong. But tonight you're on my mind so you never know." 

Sometimes I just want to say it out loud. I just want to say all the voices inside my head out loud. I want to say it. To him. I want to tell him. I want to tell him how much I miss him. I want to tell him how much it hurts. How missing him hurt so much. I want him to hold me. Holding me so tight I couldn't breath. But I know that he's there. I know that he'll stay. 

But I was too scared to ask him to stay. I was too scared of getting hurt. I was too afraid of the idea of falling in love. I was too afraid of the idea of love itself. Too afraid I will mess it all up just by accepting and admitting that I have feelings for him, when I don't even know if it was real or was it really just a feeling. He mean so much to me, I wouldn't try anything to ruin our friendship. 

But it was ruined, anyway. 

And its just like what Milan Kundera wrote in her book, "Their love story stopped before it could start. She still felt regret over it, a wound that never healed."

If I have another chance, I would do it differently. How I would ask him to stay, to do whatever it takes to keep him. To do whatever it takes to spend more time with him. When being offer a second chance, I would grab it right away. Taking risks. On love. 

I never know why I'm no good at being in a relationship. I always want to be in one, but when I am, I just messed it all up. Sometimes I just messed it up, just because there is no complication, thinking "this must be a trick." Its like I'm so scared of being committed and so scared if I feel happy, even just for a little while, something bad will happen. I know that sometimes, I pushed people away. But there seems to be no one cared enough to even stay and wait.. I guess they got tired of waiting. 

But I don't know. There are just things that you have no answer to. Love is one of them. 

Do you always wonder though what you will do if you got a second chance? And what will you do if you got the chance to tell someone that you like or you love without them judging or makes you feel rejected or embarrassed? Will you say it? Will you tell them everything? 

I will. 

I will pour my heart out and tell him everything. Not to let him know that I have deep affection towards him, not so he thinks I have the desire to make him mine, but for me. Just for me. I'm taking risk on love for me. 

I will tell him how I find it sweet when he texted me out of the blue, telling me that he misses me. How I try so hard to suppressed my feelings for him. Hence every time we met I act awkwardly and say things in a mean and sarcastic way to him, because I try so hard not to show any romantic gesture towards him and even though I know those butterflies inside me are real. I will tell him how much he meant to me. 

I may not show it how I felt, in the right way or at the right time, but the feelings were there. Are there. But I guess feeling it and showing it, is different. And when you love someone and not showing it to them, they got the assumption you don't love them as much. 

And I might gave him space, to grow, to feel. But doesn't mean that I let him go just like that. I still hold on to the thought of us as good friends. Holding on to the thought of him as the sweet and understanding person. Holding onto our memories. Its not much, but its all I have left of him. All I have left of you. 

But I sometimes wonder..

Do I really love him or is it really just the thought of him? 

The thought of loving him?

Uncertainty

I dreamt about him a couple of nights ago and I can't seem to stop thinking about him again.

Its been so long since the last time I thought about him. I suddenly just dreamt about him.

Is it odd that every time this sort of thing happen, I always thought that he was thinking about me? I always thought that he misses me?

I was supposed to be asleep by now, but I miss him so much, it hurts. Its so hard to get him out of my mind. I wish to talk to him, to touch him, to hug him again, to feel his warm breath on my shoulder while he hugged me. Hugging me so tight, I can feel the warmth and the weight of his body on mine. And it was his way of saying how much he misses me.

Sometimes my dream of him was so vivid, it felt as if I really did touched him. I can even smell his scent. Is it odd to miss someone this much? It feels strange because it felt as if I imagine thing to help myself coping and from going to that dark place.

This is so not the right time to miss him. So many things to do, but he'll still be on my mind.

What does this mean? Do I really miss him that much?

Why can't miracle just happen, and he could just suddenly talk to me again. Like he used to. To tell me that he misses me.

Its true, love + me = infinite complication. Plus, I have zero luck on love, and I'm just wasting my time thinking about him, wishing to talk to him, like we used to. To feel his lips on my cheek. He have this sweet and warm personality, I find out that somehow he only show that side of him to me.

Its true that you can't help it who you falling in love with and you took someone for granted, only regretting doing that when they're gone.

Love. What the hell is love anyway? What do I know about love?
All I know about love is that you can't really rely on love. There is no such thing as certainty when it comes to love. I know that I always talk about taking risks, but what's the point of it all?

Someone that you love very much can just be there one minute, and gone the next. And they ask me to believe in love? How could I? Why should I? When I thought I could finally feel something, after all this time, the person who awaken those feelings just.. gone. Went away. Suddenly disappeared.

When you miss someone so much that the only thing that can make you feel good is just crying, 'cause that's the only thing that soothed you. And I guess its okay to cry. It hurts too much, so I think its okay to feel the pain. Its better the numbing those feelings. 'Cause once you numbed them, you won't get it back, and if you do, it will be long after that. Trust me, I know. And when you miss someone so much, something from the centre of your chest felt like has been ripped out of by someone. Making such a big hole, all you can feel is the pain and the emptiness. Without saying anything, that person left bringing that "something" with them. You can feel the hole. The hole is so big, loneliness got the best of you.

Uncertainty. That's the only thing that is certain about love.
But what do I know about love? As far as I know, all I know enough about is just pain.

Perubahan

Perubahan adalah suatu hal yang tak bisa di hindari. Tanpa di sadari, banyak telah berubah.

Terasa sangat lama, tapi baru tiga tahun yang lalu perubahan drastis terjadi pada saya. Kehilangan seorang yang saya sayang dan saya damba. Berada di tempat yang kelam dan sulit. Dan yang tak terbayangkan, aku telah kehilangan sesuatu yang tak pernah ku kira akan hilang, yaitu diri saya.

Sebelum semua perubahan itu terjadi, mungkin saya bukah tokoh yang cukup baik tapi kemurnian jiwa saya masih lah ada. Sekarang, setiap ku tatap bayangan diri saya, yang ku lihat hanya lah keraguan. Kepercayaan akan keraguan. Tak lagi menjadi individu yang optimis. Pesimis akan semua hal. Terlalu sulit untuk percaya akannya ada kepastian. Karena perubahan adalah suatu yang tak bisa di hindari. Perubahan adalah bagian dari hidup. Bagian dari kita. Dan berusaha untuk menghindari perubahan itu sama saja membuang-buang waktu.

Satu menit saya punya semuanya, menit berikutnya telah hilang semuanya. Tapi apa lah arti semuanya, apabila saya pun tak bisa menikmatinya dan menghargainya dan tetap melihat semua seperti itu hanya lah sebuah koin yang tak berarti apapun karena tak bisa di gunakan untuk membeli barang ber-merk.

Memikirkan akan uang, keluarga, pertemanan dan masa depan. Saya mungkin punya semua itu saat ini, tapi belum lah tentu saya akan masih memiliki semua itu besok. Bekerja keras untuk mempunyai masa depan yang cerah, tapi karena telah menjadi individu yang pesimis, keraguan melenyapkan akan kepercayaan atas kemampuan bahwa saya bisa dan kepercayaan diri pun seperti terkubur dalam-dalam karena keraguan dan ketidak percayaan dan ketakutan.

Semua terjadi karena perubahan.

Tanpa disadari, saya telah berubah. Dan tak lagi ingin lari dari perubahan, aku telah merelakan diri untuk merubah diri sebelum perubahan yang merubah. Merubah akan kebiasaan.

Tapi kadang saya bertanya, terkadang hanya pada diri saya, tapi terkadang Tuhan ikut mendengarkan. Bertanya mengapa harus ada nya perubahan? Bertanya mengapa saya, yang baru berumur 17 tahun, sudah tak lagi punya kepercayaan akan terjadinya hal-hal baik dalam hidup ku? Bertanya mengapa saya tak lagi punya kepercayaan diri dan tak lagi menjadi individu yang optimis? Lalu saya bertanya, kapan terjadinya semua perubahan itu? Kapan? Apakah saya terlalu sibuk menjalani hidup, sampai tak sadar telah banyak terjadinya perubahan dalam hidup itu sendiri?

Terasa sangat sendiri. Semua terasa seperti terdiam dan yang tersisa masih bersuara hanya lah saya.

Perubahan.
Sangat lah takut dengan perubahan.
Atau apakah yang ku takuti hanya lah ketidak pastian?
Atau rasa takut itu sendiri yang ku takuti?

The Mess I'm In

"How did I got here from there?"

The question I ask to myself so many times when I have no fucking clue where to go next. When things becomes blurry and even the question becomes blurry.

Asking for help doesn't work either, so where do I go next? How the hell did I even got here in the first place? How come everything is so messed up? Where did I do wrong? Where did someone do something wrong?

How the hell things got so complicated and I don't even remember making it that way? And why the hell there is no solution to this mess?

But the most frequent question that I ask every day is, why and how.

Why on Earth did you do that?
How on Earth could you be this stupid?
Why did you have to ruin everything?!

Its so easy to blame someone for the mess that you have in your life, but what if the mess in your life comes from someone else? Is it fair to blame them?

--------

She did it again.

My mum is a mess. She got so many shits in her life that I don't want to know and don't even want to care. But perfect timing, my mum just drop a huge shit on my fucking lap. I mean, come on! I have exam in like three days, I need peace not a fucking chaos. I know it sound selfish, but I don't care anymore, I'm just so tired getting asked to care or at least pretend to, when I never ask anyone to take care of me or ask someone to care so much about me they want to vomit, 'cause I can't seem to pull myself together. Yes, that is how I feel about my mum.

Ok, fine. We lose dad, she's a single parent now, but she put herself in that mess and she kept dragging us along the way. I have my own shits to deal with, deal with your own, Mother. I don't remember ever dragged my mum into my shits when I was a kid, now I'm supposed to care about YOUR shits?

I know that's what family is for, but no. She's just making it hard for me to put everything behind. To put everything she did behind. And everybody wonder why do I have anger issues, especially when I was a kid.

Its so hard to get from where I was to here, but I'm so tired of not saying anything. I'm tired of watching everyone just keep dragging everyone, or well, me, into their shits. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, PEOPLE.  I'm trying so hard to distance myself from bullshits, or those who created it, but they just keep arriving at my front door. I mean, where the hell did they come from, ANYWAY?!

Am I being selfish? Or am I really?

Change of heart

Hello.
How are you guys? I hope you're doing well 'cause I'm not doing so well.
So many things going on in my life and I just..

never mind that, but if you notice, yes, I deleted the video on my YT channel. I'm really sorry for those of you who were expecting those reviews and spoilers, but I have a change of heart.

I changed my mind, and I don't think that I have time for doing that kind of thing, so I'm really sorry, but you can ask me on my askfm or if I have the time I will post some reviews or spoilers in here or twitter.

Again, sorry and have a great day!

Cynthia Clara,
xxx