YOU CAN'T HATE YOURSELF INTO LOVING YOURSELF

"I am not good enough"

At this moment, there are 7.3 billion people in the world and I'm probably not the only that ever feels like I'm not good enough because its such a simple sentence but carry such a powerful yet painful meaning and not a lot of people are brave enough to actually admit that out loud.

I mean, how can you really admit that kind of feeling to someone? How can you tell someone that you always have this nagging feeling where you don't belong? Wherever you go, whoever you were with, you simply don't feel like you fit in. How can you make someone understand that you're carrying hell within? How can you make someone understand that you've also been carrying somebody else's hell within?

Its hard and painful to always keep asking and wanting for affirmation that you're good enough. For affirmation that they still love you even though they show and give different kind of love to someone else. For affirmation that you're worthy.

Because its a heavy burden you never ask for and yet you keep pushing people away because of it and you can't help what you're doing. Its easier to isolate yourself and not letting the world touch you. Its easier to think and say that you don't need anyone and that you're happier by yourself because no one can hurt you, because you've hurt yourself enough on your own. And its hard when you lose somebody, but its even harder when you keep losing pieces of yourself. You want to be better. You keep trying to fix yourself so that you can be good enough for someone but you will somehow never be good enough and you keep trying and you keep breaking, trying to find the missing pieces.

You'll hear yourself saying, "enough is enough."
You hear it so much that you know its a lie.

You'll keep trying.
Stuck in the vicious cycle of trying to be good enough.
Stuck in the vicious cycle of kindness.
Stuck being the fixer.

Then you'll spent a lot of time searching for reasons and answers.
Maybe you and I will find it someday, but for now all I can say is that:
you can't find what isn't there.

p.s. I draft this post after I published it a couple of months ago, but now I'm publishing it again.

WORDS WOULD MADE A DIFFERENCE

I'm sorry for those of you who doesn't have anyone who will show and/or tell you how special you are, especially when you can't do it yourself, because of self doubt or when you're too down to care. And when your own words isn't convincing enough for you.

I'm sorry if you don't have anyone that will send you a bouquet of flowers while your friends got a constant reminder of how much loved they are in the form of flowers.

I'm sorry if you don't have anyone to spend your birthday with, let alone someone who will throw you a surprise birthday party.

I'm sorry you have to work so you can pay your bills instead of going out with your friends or going off to college, not by choice but because you have to.

I'm sorry if you ever experiences real lost and real griefs.

I'm sorry if you're in a place where you feel strange and stupid, and stagnant.

I'm sorry if you don't have a best friend and if you do but they're not around so much anymore and too busy to kept in touch with you, I'm sorry too.

I'm sorry if any of your parents, or girlfriend/boyfriend, or anyone have ever abused you or still abusing you, either mentally or physically or both. I hope you or someone close to you are able to stand up for you and distant yourself from that situation. I hope you don't feel too helpless or feeling obligated or think irrational that will lead you or anyone close to you to stay in that position.

I'm sorry if your girlfriend or boyfriend doesn't have the decency to break up with you face-to-face or to even have the decency to explain to you why they would leave without saying a word.

I'm sorry if you can only found lust instead of love or both. Sorry if he or she doesn't see and want anything more than your body.

I'm sorry too if your life is filled with gadget, social media, and popularity contest, in desperate need to feel content. As Instagram, Path, Facebook page, and Snapchat are simply a psychiatric dry erase board that screams, "Look at me. I am insecure. I need your reaction to what I am doing, but I will act and say that I don't care how you really feel and I will occasionally get mad because I certainly do care, but I still do need your approval whether I am cool, beautiful, and to simply tell you that yes, I am those things. Therefore, I will just pray you see this because the approval of God is not all I need."

I'm sorry if you ever feel like you're unworthy or have been called names because you've never feel loved or because no one ever said it too you or not enough words were being said.

I'm sorry if someone rejected and devalues you.

I'm sorry no one—even yourself—ever saved you.

---------------------------------------------------

But honestly though, I understand sorry is not enough to fix you up and make you whole again but sometimes it would be enough, as in time you'd finally be healed.

But sometimes—well most of the time—as time goes by, you just get more and more damage and any words, any human interaction become so foreign to you, your flesh becomes too raw and too bitter, for the sweetness of a human touch.

And your heart become stone cold; the rawness, honest sound of charming words that creates an inherent pathos have no effect on you and everything seems and feel too insignificant, and so all become indescribably insignificant. In the end, you've become a living, breathing inherent pathos.

So I'm sorry if that happened to you, I really do.

You would probably wonder whether if 'sorry' really enough? Would it made any different? It's just a word.

One word against a thousand action.

But like everything in life, there is a possibility that it would and it would not. Yet I believe it does.

Because saying sorry means you acknowledge the other person and more importantly, their pain.

Sorry means you leave yourself open, to embrace or to ridicule or to revenge.

It might be self-pity. You might say it just as-a-matter-of-fact, but most of the time its a question that begs forgiveness, because the metronome of a good heart won't settle until things are set right and true. It can be a hole refilled. A debt rapid. Or an offering.

If you mean it with your heart, sorry is a gift.


Yes, maybe everybody is sorry nowadays, but they don't always apologised for the wrong they did and for the pain they caused.

Apologising isn't always a sign of weakness. Not acknowledging the pain you caused or simply someone else's pain, that is what I would call a weakness. Because the worst thing you can do to a person is not acknowledging their pain and suffering, as if their pain isn't worth to be acknowledge.

So yes, I believe, sometimes sorry would made a different.

So I'm sorry if no one ever say sorry to you for all the things they did and for all the things you've gone through.

But feel good, because you never let it ruin you.
Feel great, because you never think and make yourself a victim.
You never really let your pain make you feel powerless.
Maybe it wears you out, but never powerless.

I believe its okay not have everything figure out. Not having to put yourself out there and be strong and act strong all the time. Because the greatest people we all could ever met is probably the broken hearted, the forgotten and the misunderstood.

ONE DAY CLOSER TO THAT SOMEDAY

Life is a bitch, but wrong timing is the mother of all bitch. And sometimes, when you love someone but the timing is off, the only thing left to do is wrap your arms around each other one last time and then just... let go. Because separation and goodbyes are necessary and maybe sometimes distance will remind us how brilliant they are and so will teach us to appreciate its brilliance. Its honestly hard to lose anyone. 

I spent a lot of time searching for reasons and answers but I realised that you can't find what is not there. It just happened. Life is too short to play games. If you love somebody and you want to be with that person, then go get them. Deal with the mess later. We never know what tomorrow will bring. The worst case is that you'll fall in love and at some point, maybe the people that we love forget to love us back.

I guess what I'm trying to is that, sometimes when you love someone so much that its possible for your love to drive them away and sometimes they don't know what they've got until its gone. Please know that those people doesn't deserve you. 

I know. I'm still trying to accept that fact too but I guess we just need to remind ourselves that from time to time. And to remember not to try to fix something or someone when you're the one who needs fixing up. And sometimes all we need isn't fixing up. Sometimes all we need is just time to heal ourselves. And as you should already know, you should never force anything: love, friendship, etc. If its meant to be, then it will happen. 

if things don't work out, just hope that you did your best to make it work and you've given it your all because I think sometimes we waste our words and we don't take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance. But I guess its true, things aren't always going to be fair in the real world. That's just the way it is. But for the most part, you get what you give.

Of course though, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and run. And sometimes it seems like you're the only one in the world who is struggling, who is frustrated, unsatisfied, barely getting by. 

But that feeling is a lie.

Richard Dawkins once said, "bad things, like good things don't happen any more often than they ought to by chance. The universe has no mind, no feelings, and no personality, so it doesn't do things in order to either hurt or please you. Bad things happen because things happen."

So when good things happen, its okay to let yourself be happy because you'll never know how fleeting that happiness might be. But when bad things happen, I guess we just need to stop and focus on the good things. Because happiness comes in many forms— in the company of good friends, or in the promise of hope renewed. You should have faith and trust in the Universe 

but lets not talk about sadness anymore or just not anytime soon. 

I'm tired of it. 

I need to believe that everything will work out the way they supposed to and I'm just gonna do my part or whatever it is I'm supposed to do and make the best out of it. 

To achieve greatness is relentlessly difficult but without all the pain that life gives you, you'll be stagnant and never find yourself able to strive for this greatness and thrive from all the pain and suffering. And to create magic so great in this mundane world, you'll not only need love but you need to understand pain, suffering, and sacrifices. Because if it comes easy, it won't be worth it, right?

Just know that things will be okay.

You're one day closer to reach that someday. 

p.s. I wrote this awhile ago and feel like the desire to publish it now.

MIDNIGHT THOUGHT

2am.
I was just studying biology (still am, actually. Mind you) while watching Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, then a realisation came to me:


I live profoundly through words. I hid myself behind words. I find a complete and utter joy, comfort, sadness, basically all emotions in words.

I can be blunt and sarcastic, sometimes it reaches to a point where its just rude. 80% of the time that is me. Its basically the basic building blocks of me.

I feel like I push people away so often that its remarkable really how I actually still have someone. A Lot of someone. Then it made me realised something: those people must actually, genuinely love me. Whenever I get disconnected, angry, annoyed, or whatever mood struck me, it most of the time, if not always, end with me stop connecting to them; I simply cut them off. But most of the people that in my life are still here. They haven't left or they came back if they did or feel like they did at some point in my life.

Though it genuinely surprise me how I still have so many people in my life that hasn't left even with all the annoying, blunt, sarcastic, and rude remarks I always makes. I feel deeply touched by it. And I feel that I don't show them enough love and don't appreciate them as much as I should. I just hope they feel the way that I feel about them; loved and appreciated.

So through words not only I found comfort, but I also give one with it. And its exhilarating. Sometimes I didn't know how much it effects someone, but apparently it does a great deal. I seem to have a knack for saying the right thing at the right time. Most of the time, at least.


My best friend once said, "you're a bright kid. God knows you'll do great despite all your madness! 'Cause most of the time, you do have to be mad to survive life! AND ONLY THE MADDEST PEOPLE DO. 

I understand being tired, but sometimes I wonder why you always feel like shit 'cause truthfully, you're way better than most of the people I've met and that's definitely nothing to be insecure about. I mean, you've gone through a lot but you survived!!! and that's basically justifies your worth. 

If only you can see how great you are."


I honestly never think for a second that I could be as great as how she'd describe me or as the way she sees me. I could never believe those words. I always feel less. But I guess that is just how it is; we're always so caught up with our somber thoughts, it caught us by surprise when someone love you, or when someone think you're more than enough. It honestly, and genuinely brings me to tears at how much these people that I'm closed with care so much and how they love with no fear, or when they're scared to death to give or trust some pieces of themselves to someone, but they still do it anyway: they still love. Hard.

So its only fitting if this post is dedicated to those that showed me how great I am or how much they love me. Or how they actually tolerate and appreciate my quirks, and my witty, blunt and sometimes rude, remarks. And how I realised that, even if you push people away, as long as you don't push them too far, they will always come back and sometimes, they actually stayed and won't leave just because you push them away or being distant and so disconnected.

Because just because most people show love differently than you, doesn't mean its not there. If you love them, you should always appreciate their presence and/or solely because they are them.

From them, I found love so great, it gives me the strength I needed when I'm down, also when I was way high up. They don't let my fire go out, the spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and not-at-all. They won't let the hero in my soul perish in lonely frustration for the life I deserved and have never been able to reach. The world I desire can be won. They believe it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is mine. Because they will stand by my side until I reach that world, until I am in that world. Even if I have reach that world, they might even decided to stay. To never leave. Because that is how much love they hold in them for me.

Because not everybody will leave.
Because I have to believe. I believe that at least someone will stay.
Because love is bigger and so much better than what we always see these days. It has to be.
And it will be.



Yours truly,
Cynthia Law.

you stop at the edge of the world to listen,

as you see things that are hidden.

by shadow your sight were kissed,

as you see things most people would missed.

yet you desire the world,

it make you hurled.

to hold the heaven and the stars,

you tried to perish all doubt and fears.

and like a pack of hummingbirds,

you cry out only the most honest, rawest words.

and like a garden full of life,

your soul burst with an iridescent grace.

though someday will soon come,

there is still too much agony of today to overcome.

you know someday everything will be alright,

but today, do you fight.. or flight?

C.L.