RECKLESSNESS

Yesterday was a fun day but it wasn't so fun. Due to my recklessness, I lost my wallet.

I rock climbed yesterday, which I did terribly, while all of my friends were doing extremely better than I am. But before that, I have to go through the pain of having to lost my wallet. The incident left me with a very heavy heart. I know that it was my fault, but I was really hoping it would turn out somewhere, that someone would be nice enough to give it back or honest enough to give it to the security of the place, but I hope too much from people. Too much dishonest people nowadays. I only hope that God can give me patience, so I can forgive the person who took my wallet and forgive myself for my recklessness, and so I can forget.

Maybe, I also have to ask for forgiveness, so everything that I do won't ended badly again. After all, so many good thing has happened and I wouldn't want to go back to the loony bin just because I think too much about this and other stuff that is happening.

Oh, I hope I can forget about this incident soon enough.
I need a distraction.

THE UNEXPECTED

A very unexpected thing happened this week. I never thought I would feel like this but yes, right now, I am happy.

I thought this day would never come, but I just did what I felt like one of the bravest thing I've ever did. And that is, taking risk on love. The respond was also good. I had a very intense conversation with him (((if you've been following my blog these last couple of months, yes, I am talking about the same person who has been making me feel like a burrito of sadness))), I never thought that we finally clear things up and we both wants to take a chance to just explore whatever it is that we had....have.


Even though I was in a constant battle with my mind, this morning. Numerous sublime questions emerge, from asking myself if I was too naive, or if I was too desperate to get the taste of love, or "Do I really like this person? Or do I really just love the thought of liking, or even loving him?" and "Are we confusing lust with love?" then the most crazy question just popped into my head saying, "Should I just walk away while I still can?"

Yes, it truly is a manifestation of a chaos mind.

But then, when I saw him again and for a couple of seconds we shared this moment, where only the two of us understand and by looking each other, its like we both know what was going on inside our heads and then we just laughed. That is when, I was sure that it wasn't just loving the thought of liking him or the thrill of the chase, at least for me, my feelings are real and I really do like him. Lets just hope that he feels the same way.

It was really though, a very unexpected thing. Was all started because of this book that I read, The Witch of The Portobello. I was very fickle about greeting him and talking to him again, but I just had this gut feeling telling me to just talk to him, I wasn't gonna do it, but as I read the book page by page, one of the character said, "Don't wait to be certain before you take a step." That was all it took to helped me find the courage to just talk to him again, and thank God I did. We talked things out and here we are.

Maybe its true, if you love someone, you have to tell them. Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it out loud, and you go from there. But love doesn't need love back to exist, love simply is. So when you love someone, it could also mean letting that person go, so they could be happy with someone else. But most important thing is that, if you truly love that person, you will fight like hell for them, not just telling her nice things or sweet things. Because if you want that person enough, they will be worth fighting for. But if the timing wasn't right, maybe you should just let it go, because I always believe that if you give love, you will eventually get love back. Love will always find a way, and things will work out better. In other words, what goes around comes back around. And just like what Paul Coelho said in his book, " "Does he love me?" "You're asking the wrong question. What you need to know is are you in a position to give him the love he needs. And whatever happens or doesn't happen will be equally gratifying. Knowing that you're capable of love is enough. If it isn't him, it will be someone else. You've discovered a wellspring; simply allow it to flow and it will fill your world. Don't try to keep a safe distance so as to see what happens. Don't wait to be certain before you take a step. What you give, you will receive, although it might sometimes come from a place you least expect." "

Hands up, because truly, I couldn't agree more with him. It was already a pleasure of mine to love, or like (((whatever))) someone, because I didn't know if I was capable of that or not, but feeling that my feelings are being well responded, also feels good because not only that I was, I am, capable of giving love, but also receiving it hence feeling it. This week turns out pretty good, and I have to thank my intuition and that book and him and myself, for it.


The moral to this story is that, never stop believing and never stop fighting for what you want and for someone that you love. But simply if it includes another person, you shouldn't force it, because you see it yourself, my luck on love isn't so bad after all. Maybe yours aren't as well, everything just takes times.

What is happiness? Why all we, well I, talk about is happiness and.. love? Why?

I just finished reading middlesex, and now I'm reading a book by Paul Coelho. As I was reading it, page by page, one of his character said, "No one taught me how to love either, but I loved God, loved my husband, I loved my son and my family. And yet still there is something missing," I don't know what or why, but somehow I can relate to most things that he said in this book. I was never taught how to love, but I believe that someone did loved me and showed me what love is. I maybe grow very cynical about love that it making it harder for me to remember how it felt like. How being loved felt like. And it feel as if I can't feel and I can't be content until I remember.

But isn't love composed of ecstasy and agony? We all seek happiness, and when being asked, what is happiness, most people may not say it but deep down they will think of "love." But really, what is happiness? 

If love is the answer, why is it so hard for us to find true love? Why is it that some people have to think twice to give love and not think at all when giving other peoples pain? People are so busy going to the war and thinking about the war, they forgot why they are there or why their minds are there. We are so scared when it comes to love but its very easy to when it comes to.... "hate." What is it about us? We all are seeking for love, for happiness, we want it for free. Yet it even so hard for us to give love, as if it worth the moon. Yes, love is as beautiful as the moon, but doesn't mean that it have to cost you like buying a trip ticket to the moon. 

Maybe its a constant state of anxiety, but isn't it supposed to be worth the pain? But I guess it pretty selfish of us to ask for people to love us and so their love will save us from our melancholy state and liberate us from our pain. It also feel selfish to ask too much from love, when we can't even give that to someone. When we can't even give that to ourselves.

I guess its true there are people, who loves you with their whole heart, yet you can't feel it, because they simply don't know how to show it and I guess I'm one of them. But you know what, its okay to be cynical about love from time to time, but finding happiness and love is not as hard as we thought. All we have to do is find love from within, and love will arrive in your front door in a blink of an eye (well, this is just a metaphor). All I'm saying is that, I guess we just have to believe. Believe in humanity, believe in love and believe in ourselves. Well maybe it is hard, but the hope of making the best of everything that comes our way and just feel grateful, and the hope of falling in love again, with someone who deserves you is the closest big thing you get. 

GRATEFUL.......??!

I've been trying to write something for the last 12 hours. I've been trying to put the chaos in my mind into writings and there are two unpublished post on my blog's draft. So I try not to force it and I've been reading and writing some poems and watching movies to find some inspiration and at least to put my brain on ease for awhile. Then after all the inspiration hunt, I realised something.

I realised that the reason I'm stuck and keep on watching and staring my computer screen for hours is that I have nothing to write about. Nothing. and that is just.. surprising. I've also realised the reason I have nothing to write is because I'm too uptight. I no longer having the kind of fun my age supposed to have and I no longer have to break any kind of rule. The only thing I'm scared of is my future and even my mother seems less and less scarier. I've also realised that what a fucking bullshit all of my posts about love are. I mean, come on. We all know the reason why I hold on to that is because I feel so fucking lonely that I just had to make myself believed it was love, and so that I can write tons of bullshit poems about how broken I am. I am too uptight that I don't let myself even feel anything. Or do I feel too much and that making me into believing I feel nothing? I have no idea. I have no clue what is going on, especially inside my head. Nothing makes sense. Its like my brain is trying to find an exit door out of my brain. Its like my brain is trying to find a new brain to replace the old one. I've also just realised that I keep on saying I'm going get out there when the time is come. But that time is supposed to be right now, but why is it so hard for me to just get out there and make some memories? Why is it so hard to just.. let go and have some fun? I mean, I do have fun, but I haven't feel that kind of fun where I could feel so many dopamine that are being released in my brain, in such a long time. I guess I'm that lonely. So lonely that I have to love the thought of loving someone. Just the thought of it and make myself feel the pain of some bullshit creation that I, myself, make.

I guess that is also why I read so many books and try to read more books and watch so many movies; because I'm a big fat bullshit. I am not wise, I'm far from being wise. I am not mature, I just thought I am. I'm just a bloody messed up, selfish, bastard that think I'm this smart and wise kind of person. All I have is my pandemonium mind that likes to manifest a delusional concept and think it all going to come true and I'll have everything that I want and just like that, I'm happy.

Just like I said, delusional and foolish concept.

I mean, face it, I'm no talented writer and I haven't been out and having much fun lately. All I did is trying to let the words in my brain run through my veins and into my hands and put it into a piece of paper or let my fingers run through the keyboards.

Anybody can understand me through my writing and what they need to understand that, its true I may be need somebody to be my inspiration, but just to be clear, I don't "need" anyone. At least most of the time I don't. I may have one lonely hearts but my soul is fucking tough, and I know that. I have to belief that at least I am. And maybe I have been standing too close the big picture that everything seem to look like Monet. And maybe I do need to get out some more and get real experience. Whatever that is mean anyway. But maybe I should just feel grateful for what I have now, for what I feel right now and I should feel most grateful for having great friends besides and around me. Maybe, I should feel grateful about myself. I may be in the biggest and greatest battle with my mind, my body, and my soul, but I will let the pain that I'm experiencing help me understand others better. I will let the love that I feel, help me to become a better person and show me that the sun will come out eventually. It doesn't have to be cloudy all of the time. And I will use my so little wisdom that I have in me to comfort others and show them clarity and hopefully it will show me some clarity too. The point is I will not a single person let me down and control me. Its a part of growing up isn't it? you lose some friends and then you move on? I mean, there comes a point in life where you need to realise that not everyone are meant to be in your life, and when someone doesn't even want to be in it anymore, you shouldn't cling on to that person and just let it go. So despite all of my fickleness, confusion, sadness, affection and anger, I'm grateful for everything and I will use my so little experience on life as a reminder that I need to experience more real things. I will use it all and so it will help me grow.






I truly am exhausted and I was going to write some more and read it again if everything that I wrote make sense before I publish it but I'm just too tired.

UNDERSTANDING

Its very tiring sometimes to constantly putting my feet in someone else's shoes. I sometimes wish I can put a stop on that but even when I choose to just look the other way I still do that constantly and unintentionally. That is just how I understand others. That is just my way on understanding others.

My heart is feeling so sore from all the anger, sadness and loneliness that others feels. Scratch that. From all the anger, sadness and loneliness that others and I feels. And sadly, I fell victim to an artist's belief that depression is your best creator. I am so afraid to let it go. I am so afraid that without my dark side, I cannot write wholly. I am so afraid not feeling the soreness of my heart and I am so afraid the chaos of my mind fades away and turns into silence, when that is all I want. At least for once in awhile.

For the last couple of months (maybe years) I've been searching for inner wisdom within me. I keep on searching for that inner wisdom that can answer all of the questions inside my pandemonium mind. I want to grow, I want to be a better person than I am today. I want to have control over my feelings and not let it control me. I want to find peace within me. Help me find it.

But really, I do think I need to make peace with what I have. Especially making peace with the gift that I have and see it more as a gift than a burden, so it won't control me. I want to make peace with my tortured soul and my lonely heart. I want to feel solitude and gratitude.

Maybe I'm standing too close to the big picture that the picture gets too blurry for me to see that I have to guess what it is. Maybe I need to take a step back to understand. I need to take a step back so I can understand others and most importantly, myself.

"Humans beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they're finished. The person you are right now is as transient, as fleeting and as temporary as all the people you're ever been. The one constant in out lives is change." -- Daniel Gilbert

s i l e n c e : a travel | malanda.

I found this person from instagram and I wish I know him. Preach dude, you left me speechless.











I'm not an easy person getting to know but I think I'm worth getting familiar with. Some people say I'm too mysterious. Its hard to understand me & I understand that but the same people who complain are the same ones trying to dissect my mind, almost literally and that is the fastest way to lose me. My mind is sporadic even I struggle to understand sometimes but don't try to catch it. Just let it pour to you. Its beautiful in that sense I think. - Malanda J.

WHY

You know what I hate most? Well maybe stupidity, but also feeling like I don't belong or feeling rejected and goodbyes. Especially that kind of goodbyes that only one person know, the last time you spoke to them is really the last time. 

Why does people have to leave? Or worse, they just disappear like that with no goodbyes. No letter, no text, no phone call, nothing.

Its hard sometimes to feel anything at all, especially when all you feel is pain and so little happiness. And I should've known about loss enough not to feel this way.

I want to feel it all, but I don't think I want to remember it all.
I want to fix it all. I want to fix myself. I want to heal myself.
I need you.
I really do.
I miss you.
I really do.
I really am.
I thought I didn't, but I do.
I thought I already forget about everything. I thought I stopped missing you. I thought and I thought. I thought I was happy, but I guess its true, I was just trying to make myself feel happy.
But I didn't.
I was really trying to find the light to fill this darkness, but I can't find it.
I can't find it anywhere.
Why are you doing this to me?
Why am I doing this to me?
Why?
Tell me what it is you want,
Tell me what it is you need,
Tell me what it is I have to do to fix this.
Tell me.
Tell me that you need me,
Tell me that you miss me,
Tell me that you want me there,
Just say the word and I'll be there.







Come back.

R.T. 2

Just had a fight with my sister, and I'm pretty sure that I'm currently experiencing guilt.

I feel guilty about the things that I said. I think its necessary that I told her what I just told her, as I think its about time someone said it out loud, but as I am her sister, I know she probably won't take it lightly about my "critics". I can blame it on my physical state of being tired, but no, I won't do that as I believe she needs to hear what I just said to her.



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Sebenernya kalau mau ngebahas soal ngekritik orang, sepertinya ini waktu dimana aku mulai mengkritik diri sendiri.

Belakangan ini merasa kalau aku sudah menjadi individu yang arogan. Banyak bicara tapi hasil sama omongan, lebih banyak omongannya. Jadi mau marah rasanya. Ngerasa seperti ada yang butuh di perbaiki. Merasa seperti ada yang kurang. Merasa seperti kekurangan pengetahuan. Merasa dan merasa. Merasa seperti merasakan sakit. Terus menerus.

Dan terus menerus ku rasa.

Sebagai individu yang senang berbicara tentang apapun setiap bertemu dengan siapapun, aku merasa aku butuh membuat batasan. Batasan dalam berbicara. Batasan dalam semuanya.

Melihat buku-buku yang tergeletak di lantai tak terbaca, membuat ingin mengisolasikan diri dari dunia untuk sementara.

Dan terlalu lelah untuk melanjut kan.

"What's the point in sunshine, when all you feel is rain," — BipolarSunshine

Sometimes, all we want is to be understood unconditionally. To be loved.
But what's the point of it all when we can't even do the same?
What's the point of it all when the person who will understand us unconditionally finally arrive, yet we can't seem to appreciate that person?
What if that person have been standing right in front of us the whole time?
What's the point of asking and seeking for love, when it finally stare you right in the face,
You ran.
When you finally get it, you can't even appreciate it. Instead, you ask for some more.
What is the point?
What is the point of it all?




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I'm currently in a state of happiness.
At least I think I am.
Yet, I feel exhausted. Its like subconsciously, I feel tired like all the time.
But I do feel happy.

Wait.

I think, I decided to feel happy. I decided that I'm the only person who can control on how I feel about things that is happening around me, so I decided that I am happy, because I am. I decided that I am happy because, for all the not so good, bad and sad things that are happening around me, there will always something to be happy about. Because we should always look on the bright side of life.

Right?
Right.

But I also think I'm in a state of aporia.
What is Aporia?
You know that feeling of crazy emptiness you get when you realize that something you believed isn't actually true? And then things feel even more weird when you realize that actually, the thing you believed might be true and might not — and you'll never know? That is aporia.

Yet, I still feel happy. 

I do still feel lonely from time to time.

But for whatever reason, I feel as if I just make peace with my self. I feel as if I make peace with my tortured soul. 

I don't know how, and I don't know when. 

I feel as if the heaviness on my chest has been lifted. Little by little. 

Oh, even writing this makes me want to burst into tears. Tears of joy. It makes me want to burst into song and dance around. I want to feel the wind on my face. I want to feel the grass on my feet.

I want to feel the sun on my skin.

Its been 10 months since the last time I saw you.

And now you're here. 

I would like to believe that I stopped missing you. 

I mean, we did not only go days but months without meaningful conversation. I can't seem to talk to you like we used to and I used to miss you so much every time I remember or remind myself of that.

But now you're finally here, it seem as if I stopped missing you. 

I want to see you, yet I don't.

I want to talk to you, yet I don't. 

Very fickle aren't I? 

But hey, if I can make the complicated uncomplicated I probably won't be very fickle. 

And all I can do is remind myself that, if he wants to talk to me, he can. If he wants to see me, he can.

But he can't expect me to be standing right next to him after everything. He can't expect me to be the only one who fights for us, when that was all I did for the last couple of month. All I did was fought for us. When all I did was trying to find something that no one had ever said in the history of the world, that could change our situation. 

I've let my guard down. I've set my ego free. I've put aside my pride. For him. 

For us.

So he can't no longer expect anything. If he wants me, he have to be the one who put his pride aside. He have to show it. Say it.  

Because at the end of the day, I do wants to know if everything that I feel is real. 

But I don't want to drown in my sorrow. Sorrow that is created from loving you. And I don't want to stay in darkness for any longer, hence I won't wait for anyone to come and save me. Because the only person that save me, is me. 

So if what I feel is real, and you also feel the same way, then I think I'm ready.

If it is, we should let our world re-collide. 

If it isn't, or if you don't feel the same way, I will stand in the sun, by myself. 

For what I feel is not loneliness but solitude. I will fill the darkness in the empty space inside of me with light. Because if you're lucky, if you're one of the luckiest person in this world, the person you love decides to love you back. If you're lucky enough, their love will help you venture out of fear and darkness and guide you into the light and not lose you (again) or their self in the darkness. To the darkness. 

And I'm grateful for the rain someone gave me, but I won't let what anyone say or said or didn't say, did or do, or didn't do eclipse what I deserve. I won't let my bad luck on love keep me from being happy. I won't let it make me bitter. Because he, whoever he is, is not the sun, the sun is all around me and in me, and I decided to feel its warmth, with or without him. 

Because what is the point of waiting?

What is the point of trying?

What is the point of sacrificing and giving it my all? 

When you don't want to meet me halfway. 

Its not that you can't, you just won't.

What is the point of giving you a chance, when you can't even give me a chance?

What is the point in sunshine, if all I feel is rain?

So instead, I will appreciate the cloud when it hide the sun and when it started to rain. But when the rain stopped, I will stand in the sun and feel its warmth on my skin. Alone. And I'll be okay with that. 

What does real love look like? How does it feel to feel real love? Can you show me? Can I show you? Can I show me?

Love have been playing mind games with me for as long as I know.

Now I just realised that I have no recollection of real love. Love that I have for someone in a romantic way. 

I don't want to blame anyone for the pain that I have and for the very little faith that I have for love, it is indeed my own choice to decide whether I want to feel the pain or not and whether I want to be optimistic towards love all the time or not. 

I realised that every time I liked someone, I ran. 

So I never got the chance to explore any of my feelings for that special someone. And by the time that I think I have feelings for that someone, it was too late. But then it made me realised that, there is a thin line of loving someone or liking someone, or simply just loving or liking the thought of them or loving or liking the thought of loving that someone. Its a very thin line, and I'm standing right in the middle. 

I made a choice for myself a long time ago and decided that relationships are too messy for someone like me. I need it and I seek it, but in the end, I know that I'm asking too much for the other person to save my fragile heart and my broken soul with their love. So, I ran. And I hide. And I lied to myself. Keep telling the world I'm no good for anyone. All I want to do was to fix everyone, yet, I can't even fix myself. My own lies imprison my soul, creating a ball of loneliness inside of me. Sometimes though I wonder, whether I'm a broken soul or just doomed. Again, its a very thin line and I'm standing right in the middle. 

But what I learned is that, if you really want to feel and have that transcendent kind of love, you have to give and risk it all. If you risk big, the result will probably going to be big as well. And my friend said that, "Love is like a ball of good thing, happy thing. And when you meet it with pride, it won't get you anywhere. So yes, you have to put aside your pride, in order to gain something bigger."

You can decide whether you want to venture out of fear and feel the sun on your skin or you simply don't. No more mind games.