Tuesday, September 30, 2014


its been awhile.
I've been caught up in studying for my exams. To be honest, I'm pretty scared about the whole thing. I'm scared of the future really. I think about it, I even plan about it constantly, because I'm scared as hell about it.

Its only been a year since I got back from England, and everything is almost completely different right now. Yeah, maybe I still am living in the same house, the city still looks the same, but what's in it is not, and I don't think that it feels the same either.

While everybody got everything figured out, I'm still here trying to make it happen instead of just planning and dreaming about it. Trying to make my natural happiness happen instead of keep making synthetic happiness for myself, because its pretty darn tiring being strong and optimistic and all of that bullcrap.

I guess what they say is true, it doesn't feel the same when you got everything in your life, but you don't have someone to share it with. Yeah, its pretty sad if you think about it, 'cause we will always need someone to complete us. Human nature, I guess. Its pretty selfish as well. But again, its human nature. But that what's been bothering me; selfishness.

Do you remember about the guy who has the shattering kind of love?
When I'm trying to... do whatever it was I was trying to do, I keep on thinking, "the reason I'm doing all this is for me." Yes, sometimes, selfishness is needed in life. That's how most of us survived anyway. But what bothers me is that, even when it comes to love, I kept on saying that to myself, I know that mostly because I felt as if I was in some stupid competition and I did not want the "guy" to win and I did not want to get hurt again, because I didn't want get burn but I've already put my hand in the fire so, I guess, what the hell right. But yeah, I'm not okay. I just act like everything is okay, but its not.

I wish I didn't want this dream that I'm dreaming for, for my future. But I did want it, and now I'm stuck with my cannot-calm-down-even-just-for-a-moment self.

I could wish for everything but it probably wouldn't change a thing. Good thing that I have plan B.

But what I'm trying to say is, it scares me, how we, human, are so selfish but we're mad at each other for being too selfish.

Someone or often the case is, we are always too something isn't it? especially to someone?
Too skinny,
Too fat,
Too curvy,
Too white,
Too black,
Too asian,
Too cold,
Too nice,
Too mean,
Too depressing,
Too quirky,
Too arrogant,
But why does it matter? Why do we always have to be label anyway? Does it even make it easier? No.
We even love too much. We love too little. We care too much. We care too little.
I mean come on, grow up, Society. But I guess most of us don't do that, you know, "growing up."

People are so caught up in their little imperfect or perfect tinny world, they forget about others imperfect or also perfect tinny world. Everything that we do most of the time is for ourselves, even the most honourable things.
A couple of days ago, I watched a movie called "God's not dead," and I'm pretty sure he isn't, but I think humanity is.
Humanity is about being able to ignore your needs to come first, in other words, it is about being able to put others and care about others before yourself. It is being able to feel pain and hurt and sympathy and compassion. Mercy, even. It is to love others and enjoy company and excepting others for who they are. But nowadays, we are so afraid to be vulnerable especially in front of others. We are so afraid to be in love that sometimes we hurt someone that loves us to make us feel. We are so afraid to feel anything, really.
Is it just me or does the world look pretty fucked up to you? Especially right now? Especially the people in it?
Some, murdered someone. Some, is being murdered. Some, is raped. Some, is a rapist. Some, cheat. Some, is hurt from being cheated on. But one thing they all have in common, they're hurting.
Yeah, I would say its pretty fucked up right now.

But you should know something..
Yes, I am still having some serious issues that I'm struggling with, but it doesn't scares me anymore to be and to feel vulnerable. Because again, its human nature. And being vulnerable is not a sign of a weakness. But I guess you see things the way you want to see it, right?
I also realised that I have an amazing gift that I can use to help others and especially those in need. But one cliché that true is that we need someone to share it with. That one special someone.
See, another selfish thoughts, but you can say that I have not found that person.
(Hey, I'm not even eighteen, I've got time for that. I hope)
But yeah, I wish we, or just I can be less selfish. The world is fucked up enough, but I guess maybe that selfishness between us that fucked it up. We never know. I'm just feeling gloomy tonight, that's all.