A SHORT, MUST WRITTEN, THANK YOU NOTE.

It's easier to live profoundly through words; writing all of your thoughts down is easier than talking about them. From one pain to the next, from one struggle to the next. I honestly don't know when everything inside get so damaged. There are good days when the healing process is going well, then there are bad days when the process is going rather slow, but then there are also those days where everything is just too much and the energy inside felt like it had been drained, all I wanted to do is simply give up and let the dark things win.

But then fate brought us together and it is as if being given a gift of a bright sunlight that illuminates the empty, broken spaces in me. You came with a pure intention, that you feels too much like a breath of fresh air in the midst of dawn.

Sweet words sometimes means nothing, but know that everything that I say came from the bottom of my heart. Yet there are still so many things that I haven't told you, so many things that I wish I could tell you. I appreciate the fact that you can talk openly about so many things to me. I appreciate the fact that you'd took the time to reassure me about myself, yourself, and about us. I appreciate the fact that you don't follow the social norms where we dance through some bullshit games. I understand that this might not be a new thing to you, I understand that it might not be the kind of special thing that feels like magic, but it is for me. But I'm sorry I couldn't give you much. I'm sorry that I'm carrying too much baggage. But thank you for always being a wonderfully kind, and patience person. Thank you for being so understanding and I appreciate the fact that you always listens to my obscure rant when you can easily ignored it. I know 'love' might be a strong word, and we can get so scared sometimes to use it especially when everything has only just begun, but I just need you to know that I appreciate the fact that you took the time to make me feel loved and reminding me that I am surrounded by so many good people with so many good love. I feel genuinely happy the fact that you're not easily scared by 'too much' emotions that I say and give out.

I understand that things might get difficult but at this point I've felt enough heartache in my very short existence so I don't really care what people are gonna say but I only hope that we're gonna help each other out if things are getting out of control. To preserve the good things, and what we have left within.

I know that there might be things that you still don't understand, and I promise I'll try to let you in little by little into this obscure mind of mine, even into the ugliest part of my past if you want and need to. I too will try to understand yours. I hope you never get tired of me, or sick of me. I am also writing this as a reminder if I ever get distant, it simply means I need to be alone with my own mind to figure things out as emotions can be overwhelming but it doesn't mean I want you gone, because you always put a smile on my face.

I also wanted to say thank you, for always bringing those light within you and shinning it out for everyone around you and for me. I am learning everyday to be more stable. I am learning everyday letting people—most importantly, you—in. I am learning everyday to communicate better, whether it is through writings or a face-to-face talk. I am learning everyday to trust: to let go of my fear and letting my guard down whilst also preserving what I have left and protecting myself (and yours). I am learning everyday not doing everything by myself. I am learning to be better. I am also trying to learn everything about you. I am also trying to learn to understand you. Trying is the least I can do.

Whilst you always tries to understand, I can only promise you that I will always try to learn new things everyday, so be patience with me as that is honestly the only few things on my (sort of) demand.

FLOWERS WALK

morning petals pressed 

against heated skin 

and the way her sweetness 

catches you off guard 

all day long,

made you stretched the sky 

with a brush of her words, 

with a hand full of sprightly tulips.

you smiled at the tiniest petal

caught in her hair. 

and like the sweetest spring breeze, 

there is a gentle grace in her stillness,

an overflowing floodplain 

of hearts and flowers: a reminder

of the sweet, muted tones drenched

by raindrops.

as the cool, soft breeze and brilliant sun 

soaring in perfect unison,

the slow and deliberate steps we took,

focusing on every breath,

the soft, early light

moves us along the path.

with hands full of all the gentle, quiet things

that gives you peace,

you wrote her name in flowers 

it made the quiet light senses heart

whispers more gently, yet clearer.

—C.L.

Eighteen, with one imperious and selfish soul. 
What am I doing here?
Why am I still here?
Can we stop? Because I don't need anybody's pity, 
(Stop the one i'm throwing myself)

But I'm out of my mind,
Looking, with flinty stare, for magic 
In this fucking cruel world.

Because when you smile, your eyes shine
And my God how I want to scream 
And tell the whole goddamn world how beautiful you are
And my God, I want you to kiss me.

So tear the wall around me apart,
Tear me into piece,
Fill me with your lies,
Abandon me,
Because that is all you do. 
Because that is all everyone do.

So put your lips on mine,
Feel me slip away,
Watch me break apart,
Watch me bleed,
Watch me waste away,
Watch me floats away, 

As I wish you to surrender, 
As I wish you to break free,
As I wish you to stay,
As I wish you to want me to stay,
As I wish you to let me in,
As I wish you to keep us safe. 

But the hell with you. 
The hell with love.
I want to set love on fire.
I want to set romance on fire. 
I want to set us on fire. 

2am and I'm still wide awake
Writing about you,
Waiting in vain,
So,
Go on, 
Leave.

Leave before you're ever here. 
Go on,
Watch me crumble,
Go on,
Grab a piece of me,
You fucking bastard.
Go on, 
Kiss me and disappear,
You fucking hypocrites.
Go on,
Leave;
I'm shutting my heart down.


—C.L. 

A PROFUSION OF PARADOXES

I pace around hungry, looking for a sleek smile

silently starving and craving

for the brush of your finger against my flesh,

and my lungs breathe rapidly

in hopes of inhaling your scent

that made every fragments in me trembles

as there is a perfection in something

that can't be owned;

in someone that I cannot have.

But you see how I fail to keep my distance

you see how I tried to keep you out,

and fail irrevocably. Instead, as I was

being stripped of what is familiar, 

what is hidden well,

I took a step further, getting pulled in

into the unknown

as if everything that exists, carries me to you.

Though I am bound to scars and wound; like vines 

on melancholy walls, in the lining 

of my skin, there lives a crystal moon

and you'll remember me

in every timeless raindrops you'll see. 

Your caresses enfold me, as you taste like magic. 

Yet despite all that

if you touch me too long, you will make to me 

a long, hard crimson fissure; an irreparable harm.

Because of the brittle sense of my soul's exuberance, 

its constant lament towards that is 

soft and glimmering with silvery tenderness,

I will constantly distrust any promises, soft touches, 

and the implacable sweetness 

of your smile and words;

I'll preserve what is left of my infinitesimal being.

as I believe there are a profusion 

of things that you conceal

so I'll keep you near yet far away 
I'll hold you softly within these words, 

I'll keep you close, but never in.

—C.L.