Thursday, January 4, 2018

APPRECIATING MY ONE AND ONLY BLUE BITS, ALWAYS AND EVERYDAY

I don't write as much these days and when I told him this, he grew sad and said that he felt guilty. He felt guilty for helping me get better emotionally, and when my emotional state is better, the writing seems to stop. I laughed when he said that to me though because I don't know whether him feeling guilty is the sweetest thing or just the weirdest thing.

A lot of sweet words were said, but not without arguing about the little things, about the big things, and basically about everything. There were times when we hurt each other (some were unintentional, but there were some that were intentional. I regrettably, of course, did most of the intentional one), but we keep coming back to each other every time and tends each other's wounds. From the first moment that we talked, I can feel as if everything starts to fall into place. That first grinned that felt like the calmest wave in a storm, and the dreamy look he gave as he watches me admiring and enjoying the rain and simply whenever.

A friend of mine asks me today, whether all the hurtful things a lot of people (guys in particular) ever said and did, were worth it after all. She doesn't have to ask and no one needs to remind me how worth it, it all was. I mean, it would be great to not have to go through one bullshit after another, but without the struggles, I don't think I'll be as appreciative and careful with this. Because of those who know me might know whom this writing is about. I am actually holding something back as it is my private life after all and I guess since the beginning I was always careful when it comes to writing about him, even if it is poetry. There are the instinct and sense of wanting to keep him to myself as he is mine and mine alone, at least for the time being. Yet I also have this intricate sense of want and need of wanting to share what I have with him to the world and make the world envious of it. Sounds more like the intricate sense of paradoxes and my head is filled with too much poetry, prose, and to be honest, science essay that I don't know how much of my writing makes some sense and good and not pretentious and crap.

But yes, he can be the thickest person ever. Though he has his moments when everything that he said and did is the sweetest things. Without even trying he can do and say the right thing and what I needed to hear. Without even trying, he can do and say what I needed to hear to tear down the walls I've built against those who didn't have the truest intentions and against love. Being with someone who made you believe and reminded you every single day that not only magic is real but its always within your reach as it can be found in you and everywhere you go, its always going to be there as long as you believe, is the most exhilarating thing—and for lack of a better word, its bloody magical.

I'm not hundredth percent sure how it will all end—or begin—as only time will tell and no sweet words can ever be enough. No 'I love you' can ever be enough. But telling you that I think I am ready, at least emotionally, might be enough. Yes?

As I am the gladdest thing under the sun as you cast your fragrance and radiance over me. I am delicate in all the right ways whenever you're around and there can always be a thousand prayers being said for you and about you but I am thankful for all the thousands of prayers I've uttered that leads me right to you. To a home that keeps calling and one that wanted to stays forever.

But only time will tell.

Yours truly x

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

THE MANY POSSIBILITIES

After so many times being disappointed by people and life, your head is filled with the many possibilities how things could go wrong and all the possibilities how this and that might not work out, that we forget to think about the possibility that it might work out. What then? Will you be able to make the most of it and simply take a chance? Or are you simply going to walk away because of the fear of being happy? 

Saturday, November 25, 2017

THE BITTERNESS OF TWENTY-ONE

I had been having great birthdays the last couple of years after I had a week of episodes on my 17th birthday; I put no expectation, I made plans and the day turned out pretty alright. But not this year. I made a plan that simply turned yesterday into a day that I was afraid of having: full of tears and ended with cutting and suicidal thoughts. WTF, I know. I don't like it more than you do.

I welcome twenty-one with a drink on one hand and words of reassurance on the other. I'm not even kidding that most of those people who called themselves my friends, legit forget about my birthday. Hey, I get it you're busy but even my own best friend only texted me saying, "omg it's your birthday!!!" and then nothing else. Am I the only one seeing the problem here??? justify it all you want but that's just wrong man. come on. I never needed a gift, but wishes from those who said and claimed to love me matter, always. And the one person that I thought would at least made my day better, even with the time difference, he decided to sleep through the day. Out of 24 hours +7hours from the time difference, we've only talked for about 15 minutes. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but for once I wished those—who makes me feel this way—the same pain and bitterness.

Another year has passed but a birthday is only an excuse to make people feel bad about themselves because as you get older, the more you and your bday being forgotten. This is why I keep saying to someone that I don't have him, not really. Because at the end of the day, especially these kinds of days, all I have is myself and no one else. Not your boyfriend, not your best friend, not your closest friends. Because people need to stop making such a big deal like birthday especially with one that has a specific age like 16, 17, 18 or 21. Like I'm just getting more wrinkle and getting closer to my death, and birthday sucks big time in the first place so don't put too much expectation on a specific age/birthday. People make a big deal out of something and they tend to forget to meet it or at least tries to meet it and then when the person who says that they shouldn't make a big deal out of something gets a bit excited about it, they decided to not fucking show up on the D-day. Which is a legit definition of what the fuck. So that is how I spend my twenty-first birthday, alone and bitter and in tears and heartbroken and disappointed, and ended up watching so many series episodes and eating fast food cs the person who supposed to have a movie date with you (this was my plan this year to avoid any episode cs I tend to have one on or after my bday) decided to sleep through your birthday when he knows how you feel about yesterday (he better be comatose or something men. this is not what I would have called as resting). Yet, I can't be upfront about my disappointment and bitterness because how can a birthday trumps death? Can't fucking with this. I'm just so damn done.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

GOD AND A MAN

God sends hope 
in the most desperate moments. 
God show me light
through the imperfection of a man.
as you, are possibly one of
the best gift
a God has given me, 
as I prayed and he listens. 
So walk with me, 
love me inside out
let me see the light filling 
your brown eyes, to colour
the sky with every colour
than just blue, grey, and red. 
be a home that keeps calling,
be a home that stays forever. 
simply,
be a home, for me
and I, for you.

C.L.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

MANIFESTASI RASA DAN PIKIRAN

banyak yang di rasa gpp
tapi coba mengurangi 
memikirkan
hal-hal yang sbnrnya diluar kontrol 
dan seharusnya cukup dijalanin aja.

mencoba untuk bisa lebih mengerti
mana yang cukup, kurang, dan berlebihan.
mencoba lebih baik lagi menjaga dia
yang memberi harapan,
yang mengisi ruang,
yang membuat hidup jd penuh 
dengan warna yg lebih baik.
terus mencoba untuk selalu jadi lebih baik 
bukannya kembali menjadi diri yang dulu
yang cuma mengerti pahit dan apa yang mengoyak hati,
yang asing dgn sesuatu (dan seseorang) yang menenangkan jiwa.

coba untuk bisa berhenti sejenak
mencoba untuk berdiam
untuk memahami, menyadari
apa yang tersembunyi
apa yang sulit untuk di ucap
dan apa yang lebih baik.

mencoba untuk bisa membedakan
fakta dan rasa.
perlahan mencoba,
perlahan terbentuk dan menjadi
yang lebih baik, lebih kuat, 
lebih berwarna, lebih bermakna.

C.L.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Color of Jakarta VLOG - Goodbye, Jakarta

Hello, everyone! Apologies for being gone for so long as I haven't been writing as much these last couple of months and even if I do write, it's poetry and I mostly given those to the people I wrote it for.

Anyway, last weekend friends of mine and I made some vlog to be submitted to a competition (but its in Bahasa) so here you go if you want to check them out but before you do, apologies first hand if my voice or face annoys you (lol):



Friday, June 16, 2017

LOOKING FOR WHAT IS RIGHT.

Sometimes you don't really get what you want but what you need. You keep on wishing for things to turn out as you wanted it. The plot twist to your story is not you never wanted it in the first place or you don't get it (as expected) but it is that your wishes came true. 


After so many years of heartaches and after so long going through so many hardships, I have finally found someone who helped me heal without even lifting a finger. Having him around, helped me heal in a way I wasn't able to do on my own. His presence gave me many things and he doesn't even know or even realised it. But I always knew that there is something about him; there is a part of him that gave me tranquility, but there is also a part of me that made me unable to fully trust him. The consistency of his action when it comes to love made me doubt him. The consistency in its pattern when it comes to love made me doubt us. 

I never really said this out loud. I don't want to. I want to be able to trust him completely, with no doubt. With no fear. But sometimes its a hard thing to do; I love him, but I wish I'm not filled with this much dread whenever I think about losing him, especially when we both know that I might have to leave. 

But I wish I sometimes know how much love he feels for me. I sometimes wish that I know how many things and what are the things he conceal from me as he conceal so many things from everyone. He may not lie, but sometimes he doesn't tell the whole truth which never really sits well with me. Not only I value honesty so damn much, but I also practice them. So when I see someone as simply as not telling the whole truth and hiding things from someone, I see them just the same like those who lie, cheat and deceit on a daily basis. I want to know what fear he has, and all the fucked up things that has happened to him that lead him to become the person that he is.

The thought of not loving him would make things a whole lot easier, crossed my mind so many times a day. 
The thought that he might love someone else as fast as he fell in love with me, crossed my mind so many times a day. 
The thought that I'm nothing new, no one special as he found so many of "me" before he met me, crossed my mind so many times a day. 
Sometimes, it hurts. Sometimes, it only left me wondering whether this really is the right thing to do especially for myself. I no longer know which decision is simply me being destructive; leaving him or loving him till this ends. Either way it will hurt like a son of a bitch, that I'm sure of. There are bits and pieces from here and there that actually makes a lot of sense, that actually makes it clear on what I should do but I guess the heart wants what it wants and this time, it wins while logic lose. 

I said that I wanted to do this without any safety net, but it gets harder and harder to do especially when he doesn't even trust me. I understand his logic and his way of living, yet its not the easiest logic to grasp on. And just because I understand, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. 

Funny how you're the one with trust issues and yet here I am, unable to trust you fully. I might let you in, into the obscure part of me, but doesn't mean I trust you with my life. Maybe I do. Maybe I don't. I really don't know at this point. I see things clearer yet not at the same time. Loving him calms my soul but the uncertainty of how things might end scares me to death. 

Anyway, I've been writing and talking too much Bahasa Indonesia that I think I'm making zero sense when I talk or write in english so I might write again soon. 

Have a lovely weekend everyone. 
C.L.