Thursday, April 30, 2015


you come to my house, 
writes a poem on the wall in lipstick, 
pulls out all our sad records,
becomes the memory
I can't face,
and becomes the unforgettable 

somebody keeps trying 
to find the light switch,
trying to find the off button,
and I'll just keep saying sorry,
even if i try, 
I can't tell you
how I fluctuate between extremes
over and over again

and even if i try,
I can't tell you
when one day you just wake up 
and feel the void around you
but that rock bottom isn't deep enough.
so I swallow all those words,
because trying to survive
the endless storms 
while drowning at the same time 

and watching you scream
and as I watch you try 
to console me
all I heard you say was, "we all have it. you need to stop."
as if its all in my head,
so I keep saying sorry
keep telling the same lie,
but you don't deserve to hear any of it
so fuck you and the rest of the world,
I don't owe you, any of you, anything.

a man used his lips
to kissed my cheek,
he wrap his twisted, sickening itch
around me.
he crafted a glittering scars.
and with a touch of fingers,
a woman grow thorns around me,
crafting another wall of scars.

they did the crime and did the time,
but time can't bring the soul back.
not even a hint of sorry.
broken promises is all I get,
and you think you deserve a way in to my mind?
you think you have the privilege to tell me 
what and how to feel and think?

let me bury you
and the rest of the world
under the fierce scream of those people
with broken souls
that searches for a broken home they called love.

let me smother you
and the rest of the world
with agony,
until it scars your soul 
and make you love the taste of heartbreak,
a taste that leads to insurmountable ache.
because I owe you nothing,
and that's all I'm going to give.

– C.L.

Saturday, April 18, 2015


I find myself at the edge of the cliff again
but do I have the strength,
not to fall
and not let it all go?

I find myself staring
at the blade
that always
touches my sorrow and ease the pain.

I find myself fighting
the demon inside,
once again.
it bleeds me dry.

I find myself crawling
back into the black void.
where are you?
where is god?

am I really destined
for all the pain?
I keep fighting. but for how long?
keep saving myself from myself. but for how long?

they think its alright,
they think I'm alright,
but the truth is
everything is

a mess.
and I'm a mess,
and because I'm tired,
people let you down

the world is a cruel place
where you can lose your soul in a blink of an eye,
and they thought I'm having
the time of my life.

pull me out,
I dare you.
carry me out,
I dare you.

I dare you.
I dare you.

people leave
thats what they do.

people expects you
to be okay
while they give it all up.

what I do in the shadows
are sometimes better
than what they can offer.

pray, so
my heart won't shred in pieces, so
my mind won't ignited, so
my soul won't go astray.

no thanks to mum,
no thanks to dad,
no thanks to god,
no thanks to you,

but i hope you understand,
if I never get better,
know that I always look
for all the light

I'm trying
not to surrender
but everything
always becomes too much

and you don't even try
but even if you do
your time is up,
you're not enough

lets just pretend, like we always do
that I'm okay
and that

we're okay
just pretend.
its such a waste,
i hope that you understand.

–C. L.

Friday, April 3, 2015


I think, when it comes to life what actually scares me and a lot of people are: the future and people.
And maybe love.

Do you wanna know why?
Because those three have one thing in common: uncertainty.
When comes down to it, all we really do is actually just taking a chance and take that little step into the dark abyss of the unknown and the reason some of us couldn't do it is because either we're not ready to risk it all or we can't fake the braveness that we do not have to face the unknown.

I'm not saying I'm in denial or anything, but I think for me, I've risk everything and too much of it is lost in the process, so instead of risking everything that I have left, I've build up a wall to protect what I have left and guard it dearly. But after time, what scary is not finding someone either climbing up the wall or tearing down the wall, but it is realising that no one is doing any of that and for time to time you'll longed for something to happen or.. someone to come but mostly, you feel okay and actually relieved that no one is trying to mess with the wall you've created.

A friend of mine said, "I don't know what's wrong with you. I don't know how you can be so cold because I know you want to feel something. But why do you build up a wall so high no one can climb it? Why do you push people away? Its like you exile everyone before they can even knock on your door. Why?"

The quick answer would be: I don't know.
The long answer would be: you have to be really special to know why.

And we tend to worry too much about the future that we forget that our lives are still going and we're supposed to focus more on the present instead of the past and the future. On the other hand, people doesn't make it easier to live this struggling life that we live in. No matter how close you are with someone, I don't think that you really know them. I mean, we may only know a quarter of what their mind is thinking, but the rest of it? what the hell do we know? sometimes, they don't even know themselves what is going on inside those messy head. Sometimes, their emotions are affecting the mind making it unable to work at its best. And no matter how hard we try to profile them, we could still missed the little things they say, said, do or did.

I'm too sleepy to continue this post.................