Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Happy 2014!

Its 2014 already. Time flies so fast.

Do you have a 2014 resolution? (I say 2014 resolution 'cause if I say new year's resolution it means only for the first day of 2014). Well mine is pretty simple:
  1. I want to let go of the past; let everything go, the good and the bad. Everything that holding me back from moving on, everything that holding me back from living in the present. Letting things go, so I can be happy. 
  2. I want to try, to heal myself.
  3. Find more motivation to study harder. To go to university as soon as possible. 
  4. Ya to be more productive. Like I don't know finding a job or go volunteering somewhere
  5. Or.. maybe I could just travel. You know, to find peace. 
  6. Stop dreaming and telling my dreams to people, and actually start on making it come true. I mean, seriously.
  7. Stop finding distraction or get myself distracted by something or someone, and start focusing on one thing that will make you say, "thank God I did that, instead of getting myself distracted" in the future. 
  8. Do anything that will make me happy and taking more chances, even though it will make me sad, but at least I wont regret not doing it. 
  9. Won't let anyone bring me down. Na'ah! Especially from those so called friends. Ya, intinya, be HAPPY! Life is too short to be let down by someone or something, who doesn't and can't even appreciate you.
  10. oh last but not least, be a better person. :)

Either you're spending your new year's eve with your friends or your folks, hopefully you're having a blast. Oh, and I just cut my hair. I have to anyway, 'cause I've been experiencing hairrr loss 'cause my hair is too long. But I think I like it though ;)

Happy New Year, guys.
Cynthia Clara,
and also from the rest of Law's family & my Mum's family! (I don't think they have a family name, so yeah..)

Saturday, December 28, 2013

"The Why." ..Well its still just a hunch.

After thinking it through, now I get it. I get the why. I think. I guess.

Well, its not like I could ask the person why we stopped talking or why he acting out weirdly, and why there is this tension between us that is just in the way of our good friendship. So yeah its just a hunch.

After I narrowed it down, there are a lot of reasons why this is happening:
  1. He stopped talking to me (well, we still talking, but there is just something between us. Its just different) because he thinks that I wasn't being serious (well, that kinda true. I mean come on! I wasn't ready for that, duh) 
  2. He's the one who wasn't ready. I mean, he did just came out of a long serious relationship. 
  3. He thinks that I was starting to like him for real (I'm not sure either if I actually starting to like him or its just that because he was my best friend so I feel like there was just something missing.. you know), so he's trying distancing himself because he doesn't want to ruin our friendship. (duh, you did that as well anyway by distancing yourself, if that's the reason why)
  4. He's still hung up with his ex.
Yeah, I know I sounded like one of those crazy girl. Its just that I always have the need to know the reason behind everything so I got fed up with all the unanswered questions, and that just what happen inside my head; trying to find the solution to my solution-less problem. 

I know, I know. This is not healthy. That is why I came up with a solution; the one without me have to ask him what do I have to say or do to make it all okay again. And the solution is I have to let it go. Yeah, right. Letting it ALL go. This time of year always making me thinking about the thing or a person maybe that I dislike or don't really like that much or someone or something that I like, or love so much but have to let them go for my own good. And when there is no solution to MY own problem, I get trapped in the probwithnosol-cycle: 
  • first - I get all nuts and fed up about it. second - I try to came up with a solution but no luck. third - trying to distract myself with anything. fourth - I put myself in a really dark place. fifth - I try again to find the solution but again, no luck. sixth - I realized that all of the things I've been doing to myself is not healthy. seventh - I find the solution: I have to let go. eight - I found the distraction I need and some motivation. ninth - I finally could let go but something still feels wrong. Then I realised that I hated it. I hated feeling that way and I came up with a solution for that and the last step, tenth - which is for me to cowardly escape or run away from it. from everything. But when I finally reach the last step I realised that I hate having no problem so I decided to go back to the place where I tried to escape or run away from, then when I'm stuck in a problem with no solution, we go back to the first step. And i'll probably keep doing that until I ruin myself mentally and physically. 
Frustrating or just annoying? I'll go with both. And probably, depressing as well. But that's okay, I realised as well that sometimes, the people in our lives are not supposed to be in our future. So we have to let them go in the past or in the present so they got left behind, and becoming our past. And its for our own good. I think. 

I wrote it on my askfm that, they said in order to move forward, you have to let go. 'Cause it is not as hard as holding on to something that wasn't real. That someone you really love, the one you always miss, he/she is not exist anymore. But the hardest thing about letting go is that it makes it more real. You know that if you let them go, you might/could never come back. To them, for them, for their sweetness, for the feelings, everything. And its true that you can't keep running after yesterday but again, its easier to be said than done. 

Its true. It is easier to be said than done. But just like what I wrote on my last post, you will and can always find a way, for everything. And letting go is one of it. I will and can always find a way to let all of this go if I want to. And its time to let it all go. So..

You know who you are, goodbye and thank you for everything. I know things got a bit messed up, I know we both probably ruined our friendship, intentionally or unintentionally, but still, I told you I'm here for you, no matter what happen. But I can't keep torturing myself, so I think the thing between us, whatever it is you want to called it, is over, for now. But when you finally ready to let your pride go and make a mans, and try to make it all okay so we can be friends like we used to be, you know where to find me. 

Oh, and yeah, I'm totally watching Jamie Cullum in Jakarta. So, yeay! 
Anywayyy, have a great weekend guys! 
Cynthia Clara,

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

First World Problems Anthem

When Kids In Third World Countries Read First World Problems, They Suddenly Don’t Feel Like Problems

Ah, First World Problems. If you live in a western country, for one reason or another, you're probably guilty of uttering one of these phrases.

Sure, minor inconveniences can really make a day unpleasant, but when put into perspective, having cold leather seats when you get into your car during the winter isn't the end of the world.

Not having clean water, however, is an entirely different story. In order to highlight what "problems" actually are, Water is Life launched the "First World Problem Anthem" video last year. The video consists of people in the Third World reading tweets that were labeled with the hashtag #FirstWorldProblems. The stark contrast is sure to make the line at Starbucks seem like much less of a big deal.

Link of the original arcticle: Source

2 broke girls!!!

SO OKAY! Does anyone watch 2 Broke Girls? Its like 20 minutes of laughter, sangat. I love the show so much. So, for anyone who doesn't watch it or haven't got the time for it, you really should try to find the time and watch it. X

Sunday, December 15, 2013

All the 'Why's'

Even though I know and understand that everything, like things, people, feelings, could just left or gone or disappear just like that, but what I don't get is, why it could happen.

I get it if someone wants to leave and just stop talking or don't want to meet or see someone who he/she just met and don't like them that much or someone that he/she used to love very much, because it would be hard to see them while you're trying to move on from them. But what I don't get is, how someone could just leave and stop talking or don't wanting to meet their friends, when they've been friends for more than just 2/3 years. And what I don't get is that, if they are having problems with each other, or just from one side, why not talk about it? Why not try to make it all okay? Why not try to make up? But instead, one or both of them, just stood there and saying nothing to each other. And why is that? Is it because of pride? Or anger? At least if you yell at each other it means that there IS hope for your friendship to get better, but if you stood there and saying nothing, it means that your friendship is over. Fading. Disappear. Vanished.

A friend is not a lover. I mean, you love them, but when you break up with someone, you'll feel sad for awhile and then your friends help you to get through it. But when your friend just leave you, or stop talking to you, who the hell will help you get through the sadness of being forgotten or got ignore by someone who you thought will be there for you, no matter what. 'Cause through anything, at least you thought you'll still have him/her?


Communication, effort and love goes both ways. You can try everything to save your friendship or relationship, but if the effort only comes from one side, it's pointless to even try. And the time will come when you will stop feeling bad for not talking to people you were once close to. The phone goes both ways and nowaday people could just send an email or text, you don't really have to talk talk, you know. It's not that hard to pick up your phone and say "Hi" and try to talk to your friend, and if there is something you need to tell them, why not just tell them?

For someone with too much pride, its probably a really big deal and its probably really hard and difficult to just talk about it or make up with someone, even their friends, but do you really prefer you lose your friend instead of your pride?

Let go of your pride, even just a little bit. Stop being too stubborn. Find a way. If you want, you can and you will always find a way. A way for anything. And it's better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride.

“When you’re in love, sometimes you have to swallow your pride, and sometimes you have to keep your pride. It’s a balance. But when the relationship is right, you find the balance.” ― Emily Giffin

Thursday, December 12, 2013

All I Could Do by Oscar Key Sung

"Just give it a chance, think what we could miss"

New blog title

Yes, I changed my blog title.
In case you're wondering why I changed it, is because, well I'm bored with the old one, simple as that. Second, I think I came across of a blog who have the same title as me, so I decided that I want to change it.
Oh, and the third, I've been reading "A Tale For The Time Being" and the main character have this book of Marcel Proust that got hacked, so she used it as a diary, and well you know the rest, the title of the book is À La Recherche du Temps Perdu which means "In Search of Lost Time" and I just thought that it would be good making some changes in my blog and I really like it. It suits my situation, well kinda.

Oh, does anyone feeling hungry and so tired but they can't go to sleep? Yeah, I feel ya.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Endless Labyrinth

I've been thinking. Thinking endlessly. Torturing myself with my own thoughts. Torturing myself by thinking about the past. The past that will not repeat itself in the present or in the future. Torturing myself with "what ifs".

Death took his life.
But death also took me.
Death took my soul.
And death, live inside me.
It keeps growing.
Death gave birth to emptiness.
And it lives inside of me.
Letting nothing else get inside of me.
Nothing else except, emptiness and darkness.

A bright soul,
Came over me and letting himself in.
He filled me with a gleam of light,
He brought me paradise.
But then he took the light out of me,
And filled me not only with emptiness and darkness,
But also, Sorrow.

He whom gave me hope,
He whom gave me life,
He whom take the death out of me, has gone.
He left, with no goodbyes.
And in the still darkness, I stood.

One minute I'm standing on the solid ground, the next- I'm not.
One minute everything exists, the next- everything is lost.

I'm attached to my thoughts. I realised that I wanted to keep thinking because I felt like I was creating solutions, like I was somehow making mental progress. If I took a break to clear my head, I thought, I might miss out on discovering something useful.

What a misguided notion. While there's something to be said for thinking things through, sometimes its far more useful to let everything go, create some space and then see what ideas and feelings emerge in that new place of clarity and stillness.

But that is the thing. How can I go to that place of clarity and stillness, when I can't let go? When I'm still stuck in the past?  When I still want to re-living all the happy moments in the past. How, when, where, what, who.

I'm waiting for all of my unanswered questions to be answered. By anyone. By you.
Those unanswered questions all are simple questions. But no one can answer it but you.
You used to have all the answers. And you still have, but you just stood there, saying nothing.

If I said or doing something wrong, tell me how I can make it all okay, again.
Do you miss me, as much as I miss you?
Do you think about me, as much as I think about you?
We used to be closer than this, is it something you miss?
What have you done with the one that I love?
Where did he go?
Would you wait for me?
Would you convince me that this feeling that I'm feeling is what I think it is?
If the thing between us is love, can we try once more?

You mean that much to me that it hard to show you what I'm feeling. I want to tell you everything, 'cause it hurts to hold on to these feelings. After all that we had and after all that we've been through, I always thought it was sad, if we have to act like strangers. So tell me, how can I make it all okay again? 'Cause I'm tired. Tired of trying. Tired of missing someone who doesn't exist, anymore.

If this is a love letter, I can only wonder, if you get my letter or did you throw it away or will you write back or are you just only going to read it and place it where you can read it again until you are ready to write it back? And again, I can only wonder.