Friday, October 31, 2014


Quitting. Giving up.
Its the easiest thing to do.

I just want everything to be done. I used to love the thrill of chasing this dream I had, now its slowly crushing me and all I want to do is just.. give up. I want to cry my eyes out and be done with it. I used to love it, but now, all I feel is just weary.

I thought I had it all figured out, but I should've known. Nothing lasts. People leave, things work out for awhile then it didn't. It always like that.

I should quit, but I held on for so long and I know, it will be worth it. I know it will work out somehow. Not now, not today, but it will. All I have to do is just hold a little longer.

But I'm slipping away..
I am ready to let go..
So God, pull me up.
Hear it.
Hear my prayer.
I need you.

Monday, October 20, 2014


I got psychology and chemistry exams tomorrow. Then I got biology exam the next day and on friday I got maths exam.

Can I stop the clock and have a break? maybe a meltdown?

I no longer care if I pass or not.
I will try what I can, but I seriously am tired of trying. I'm not saying that I'm giving up, simply saying that I'm tired of feeling disappointed by all the expectation, tired of trying over and over again. Just want to get this over with.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

What do you do in these kind of situation?

"All happy families are alike; each unhappy families are unhappy in its own way."   
—Leo Tolstoy
Hello everyone, I'm sure you all know by now that I had a meltdown just about two days ago. As someone who had been going down that same path a couple of times, I have to admit, I feel pretty embarrassed about it.

I cried for hours and all those psychological creepy kind of shit that your mind make.
I guess I get why I did terribly on those exams that make me change my mind of going to medical school. I was so scared if I did get it that I might crack and I'll blew up everything. Truth is, I know I was going to crack. I know it will happen.

I hate confrontation, and I'm not very good with a high stress lifestyle. I'm not ready for that anyway since I couldn't get a control of what is going on in my head.

A girl with a LOT of baggage. Very attractive.

Anyway, as it happened again, my family isn't in a really good term. Well, I'm not really in a good term with them anyway. I wish I can just talk about everything and pour my heart out, but since its a family matter, can't really say much about it as someone who knows someone from my family might read it.

But all I can say is that, my Mother haven't been mother of the year so far. She haven't been a really good role model for.. any of us really. I know she's doing everything that she could, but.. can it erased what has been going on?
I can't even look at my little sister. I just can't look at her the same anymore. As I said, I hate confrontation, I had enough of those kind of drama in the past, I don't really need it nor I want it especially right now.

I keep on asking myself, "what should I do? What should I do to make it better without getting me into a lot of psychological crap disorder?" I guess that is why I feel so okay helping others, because of the detachment in the relationship and the more I care, the more it gets to me. (Well obviously)

So yes, now I feel paralysed by choice and make no choice. But the thing is, no choice is a choice. If you're not doing something about it, you're doing something about it. Now I'm really paralysed. 

I guess all I need is a break from everything but for now, I'm just gonna study harder and do my best. Hopefully it will worth all the pain.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Aching heart. Chaotic mind. Tortured soul...........and because she's in trouble. Nobody gonna save her now. Not even herself.

I think I'm getting bad again.
Very bad timing as well.

I'm so tired.
I don't even think words can describe how I'm feeling.
Probably wasted.
I feel like everything is wasted.
Time has been wasted. Energy has been wasted. And for what? For nothing.
I want to end it.
I want it to stop.
Saved from the darkness just to lose my self to the darkness. Again. What an irony.
What a shame.
Shame on me.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
So much anger. So much. So many. Chaos. So many voices. Make it stop. Pain. Make it stop. Make. It. Stop.
Fuck you.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Pouring random thoughts.. yet, its very personal.

Shit happen.
also happen.

But what happen if your loved ones are the one who are going through that difficult moment?
What can you do to help them?
If all I have to do is just be there and do nothing, then I'm one useless person. A complete bullshit.
I cannot seem to tell someone everything. I cannot seem to find someone who will listen and just give me comfort.

The proverb saying curiosity killed the cat is probably right, but it feels more like it killed my soul. At least it breaks my heart slowly into pieces.

You can't always protect those who you love and care deeply. But you can totally punch or yell at the person who hurt them.
Yeah, you totally can.

Why is there such thing as pain, anyway?
This is totally one of the reason why I hate caring. It rips your soul apart. It breaks you.
I used to believe, well I still do believe that to feel empathy and compassion is necessary. But I don't want to feel so much about everything. I can be the person for you to turn to. To talk about your problems, and I will just gonna be there and listen to you and maybe give you advice if you need it and give you comfort. I don't mind being that kind of person for you but I need that kind of person as well.

Why is it so hard for me to trust someone?
I hate myself for feeling too much about everything.
I wish I could crawl out of my skin or take out all of the sorrow that I feel.
I wish I have the strength to overcome this. To be able to feel everything without feeling overwhelmed. But its just a lot to take in.

Let me be sad for awhile..
I think I need to stay in the dark for a bit.
I guess, I finally fall apart.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014


Life is hard.
But life is supposed to be hard if not, we're just gonna be the same person as we were yesterday and I don't hate it, but I dislike being stuck in the same place. Especially when I'm stuck in it for a long time. I like knowing that I am growing everyday, even though I did not realised it until I glimpse a little bit back to the past and see that things has changed and I have changed as well. Even just the idea of me growing is already makes me feel good.

Change is inevitable, but sometime we need it. Sometimes, its what we want. Sometimes, its a good thing. Sometimes its not, but we just have to do it. Get through it. Knowing that I still have two good legs, two good hands, or all of my organs and parts of my body still intact, I'm pretty sure life is not that hard. Maybe its still is, since we all going through different thing but doesn't mean that it can't be change.

Sometimes, its all a matter of perspective, you know.
You can decide how you see the things that you went or are currently going through.
If you see it as a tragedy, so it will be a tragedy. If you see it as a lesson, so it will be a lesson.
But if you see it as just a bump on the road, then it will be just that, a bump on the road and not a big giant crack caused by an earthquake.
In other words, sometimes we decide how we want to live and see our lives and how we want to feel about it. We means you.

Take control of your life, don't let it control you.
Take control of your feelings, don't let it control you. And don't let anyone control it.
Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself. Even from yourself.
Sometimes our thoughts imprison us from doing whatever it is we wanted to do, from saying the things that is not should left unsaid, and the worst part, sometimes from letting us grow or simply keeping us from being happy. It doesn't have to be that way you know. I know its easier to be said than done, but it can be done. Just always remember that nothing is impossible. Someone had already done the thing that you thought impossible and they really did make it happen, so its just that tinny voice inside your head that told you that its impossible to be done, when its not. So stop making excuses and do it. Face it. Face whatever it is that you have to face with courage. Not without fear, but with courage. Because sometimes its good that you still feel fear, it means you still have something to lose for and it means that you still have something that matter in your life.

I can tell you about how I am feeling right now or what has been happening, but I vowed to myself to talk less about myself and start listening to what others has to say, so I guess that is why I'm writing about making amends even to yourself. A couple of times I told someone that I feel like I won't need any shrink if anything happen, because I feel like I am my own shrink. You wanna know why? Because I can tell myself whenever I'm in denial. No, I'm not crazy or having any mental breakdown, I just talk to myself, a lot, sometimes. But no again, I do not hear any voices or see anything, I promise.

I guess that's just what happen when you see things differently. When you accept the things that is happening in this world, or at least just in your life. I guess, that is what happen when you let yourself feel and get in touch with your intuitive side.

But if you ever find yourself stuck or got dragged back into the dark, just know that its okay. Feel. Grief. Be sad. Cry. Be angry. But then, turn on the light and see that even on your darkest day, there will still be light if you just take a moment to see it. And its better to feel than to feel nothing. It hurt, because it matter. And feeling all happy and quirky all the time is just not normal, so cut yourself some slack, you can put the mask down and just let it all out.

Life is hard. Its supposed to be hard. Doesn't mean it should control or lead your life.
Life is hard. Its supposed to be hard or it simply just is, but it doesn't have to be.
Life is hard enough, why make it harder?
Maybe, instead of making excuses or complaining about it being hard, maybe, we should just make the most of it and make it less harder for ourselves.
It sucks to feel. Hell, you have no idea how suck it is. But maybe you do have some idea about it. Maybe you don't.
If you're in a dark place right now, stop. Take a look around. Maybe your life is hard, maybe it suck, but is it because it is, or because you just made it that way or see it that way?
Stop, take a moment and look around you. Then look yourself in the mirror. Do you like what you're seeing? Do you like the person you have become?
Life is hard, sometimes its not your fault. Sometimes it is. Stop blaming your mistakes on anybody. Stop. Because sometimes, its nobodies fault. But look again. Do you still dislike what you're seeing in the mirror? Do you still not like the person you have become? If the answer is yes, do something about it. Change it.

Maybe your past is a horrible place to be in. Maybe your present is as horrible or just as awful. But your future is not here yet, you can still do something about it. So why not do something about it?
Go out to the world, try to climb out of the darkness and turn on the light.
Be the light and show it to the whole goddamn universe.
Because life is hard, but don't forget to be and to feel grateful and try not to take things for granted because someone out there is having their worst day and its worse that yours.
Life is hard, life is full of evil. But its also full of goodness. You can decide which one you want to be; good or evil. And if you're or if you think you're one of the evil in this world, its not too late to change. Its never too late.
Life is hard, but it doesn't have to be that way and you just have to keep reminding yourself that.
Life is hard, but at least you're still breathing. Or at least you can breath normally.
Life is hard, if only you see it that way.