Sometimes life scares me to death.
I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I know that I want to make a difference. I want to leave a mark on this world or maybe just on someone. But sometimes I got so caught up on thinking how I can do that.
Everyday, I put on a brave face and just keep on going and just keep on trying, again and again. But what people don't know is that, I am actually scared to death and sometimes feel a little bit lost. No one is here to guide me and no one is to tell me that everything is going to be okay and I'll do great, I just have to wait and see. No one is here to do all that but me.
Maybe its everybody's fault or maybe its nobody's fault but me, but sometimes I feel incredibly disconnected from this world. So uncomfortable in my own skin. Never feel like I belong. Never feel like I'm good enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not tall enough. Not skinny enough. I simply never feel like I'm.. enough.
I wish I can write poetry like Sylvia Plath, or write something as good as Good Will Hunting or as good as One Tree Hill dialogue. Something meaningful; not just to and for me, but to and for anyone else as well. I want to let go. I want to stay in a bubble where I can be happy instead of angry all the time. I want to become my better self. But I guess all I do is keep wishing and not doing anything about it. All is just words instead of action, yet sometimes I couldn't even put how I feel into words and sometimes if I can do it, in time, everything that I said will lost its meaning.
I know, this post is really depressing but I just need you (not specify) to know that you are not alone. We all here is struggling and fighting. Most important thing is never let anyone tells you that you're not good enough, that you're not worthy because you are (unless you're an ass). But the other most important thing I guess is to make myself believe that amidst all these confusion and anger and pain, there will come a time when it will be gone. The anger and pain will fade and confusion is replace with some understanding that life will provide me, but I guess it just won't be today or any time soon. I need to remind myself that its okay and it will be okay. I need to remind myself all of this will go away at some point.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that, someday I will be okay. You will be okay, too. The pain and anger will soon or someday fade. You and I will make something meaningful in our life, I hope. You and I will make life meaningful.
Now we might feel lost and life scares me (and you) to death.
But I guess, we all feel that way sometimes.
Some are just better at hiding it.