Thursday, January 29, 2015

Life can be hard sometimes, but living inside a bell jar makes it harder and I'm trying my best

About 3 months ago, I decided to get myself some help after having a severe manic and depressive episode. For a couple of days I tried to dealt with everything by myself and dealt it in my own way like I always do yet when I finally ready to tell it to a couple of friends and family members, they said things that is hurtful and as if I was faking how I feel and think as if they knew what I did or knew why I did the things I did.

I am not writing this so you'll pity me, I'm only writing this for those who seem to be genuinely cared about me and to tell them how I really feel or maybe felt and what I really need.

For the last couple of years, I have been feeling what feels like drowning.
What feels like having a demon in my own mind and head and I've been fighting it for as long as I can remember.
I seek a professional so that he can help me find out what really is going on and he did and now I finally know what's wrong, I am accepting it because I am done.
I am not done fighting because I'm still fighting a battle that probably will never end.
But I am done suffering because suffering is optional and I choose to be okay, because I want to be okay.
Because I'm tired not being okay.
So let me start from the beginning.

Hello, my name is Cynthia and I have Bipolar Disorder (professionally diagnosed). In order to get better I have to take medication so I won't have any manic or depressive episode.
I don't wish to be on the medication for lifelong, because even right now, I feel like it effects my memory. I may not be the best, but I used to feel like I'm good at writing and I have been having some difficulty to remember words and so sometimes I feel like I'm having so many difficulty to write or to say something.
But if I have to be on it and it helps me, then I will try to be on it and take my medication regularly.
God knows what will happen if I didn't anyway.
But sometimes its not as easy as that though.
Bipolar Disorder is also way more complicated than just extreme mood swings and pills and other things that you might know about it.
The majority of people think they understand "depression," and so they "think" they know about "bipolar disorder," though they may not really know how devastating it can be unless they have some kind of experience like that.

I have wrote about me having a depression due to the death of my father but I wrote this NOT to make you understand or aware of mental illness such as Bipolar Disorder but merely to make you understand how Bipolar Disorder had been effecting me and my life.
I cannot always control my emotions especially my temper, it always like that since I was very little.
Anger. Its just written all over my face. That's what my psychiatrist and a lot of people said to me anyway.

I accepted it that I may be a little bit unstable. 
Yes, I accepted it but I assure you its not because I want to find something wrong with me or think it would be "cool" or whatever bullshit people these days keep on saying or thinking about having a mental illness, its simply because I'm exhausted. 
Nothing seems to work and trust me I tried everything.

All those things has lead to the point where I hallucinated and crying uncontrollably for hours without any reasons, get paranoid and seem to be more agitated.
Then at last, lead to the point where I had suicidal thoughts and decided to cut myself. And while I cut myself, I didn't care what people will think of me because I may used to cut myself because "I like blood" or whatever odd reasons I kept telling everyone.
I didn't care because while I did it, I felt.. how can I describe it to you.. It feels "magical".
Because I felt relieved. I sigh, and felt relieved as if all the pain can just disappear if only I kept cutting and from there I realised why they did it. I understand.
I understand.

So that is the reason why I went to a professional and now taking medication regularly.
I asked professionals and read articles and books about treating Bipolar without any medication.
The quick answer is: no. 
The long answer is: sort of, a bit.
By "sort of, a bit" means that it takes a very strong commitment and hard work to do it and sometimes it may not work, just like medications; sometimes it does work, sometimes it doesn't.
So please, I have my own shrink and I study psychology (so I may know it a lot better than you) and I am the one who is experiencing all of it, all I'm asking is your support.
I thank you for your concern but telling me that I should just "live more healthily because pills won't really help" or "you could get addicted to the medication" or "maybe you should pray more" is just making it harder. Trust me, I had years of trying it all. Literally, ALL of them.
And I want you to stop because I'm NOT actually popping pills, I'm taking medication that I'm supposed to take.
And if you even try saying things like "others have it worse than you," please, just leave.

Because for months, I feel like I am drowning from the inside.
For months, I could feel as if my sanity is slipping away and I say this with no exaggeration.
For months, I struggled.
For months, I fought my own mind.
For months, I was afraid of my own mind.
For months, I tried to make sense of everything.
For months, I tried and I failed.
Scratch that, for years, I tried and I failed.
So I do not need another more months or another year.
I do not want another more months fighting a battle that had ended.
I may have lost it in the end, but with so what feels like little help, I think my coping skill work just fine. And because life can be hard sometimes, but living inside a bell jar makes it even harder and I'm trying my best.
So please don't make it harder.
And for those who read this and start stigmatising me or those who are like me, well I really don't care and I guess shame on you.

Because sometimes its okay not to be okay.
Bipolar disorder is soul-consuming,
And so sometimes all we need is support because sometimes that's all you can give.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Because thank you for making me a better person, but fuck you, for everything else.

You'll probably already guessed that my demon would only be my mind, but it wasn't always; it used to be and will always be anger.
But this time, it has become my saving grace. Anger has come to the rescue.

5 stages of loss and grief:

1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Today, I rekindled a friendship but from rekindling that friendship I think in no time I'll let go of another friendship that has died a long time ago. Once and for all.

Two more stages to go and I will be free. Free from your toxic love. Playing the role of the victim and talking shit behind my back ain't gonna help sweetheart, your heart ain't gonna heal from all the shit you put it through. You'll not feel happier. Don't you feel it already?

Stop blaming everything on everyone,
Stop blaming it on me because I don't even know where I did wrong (I'm not a mind reader)
Stop acting like an asshole,
Stop being a liar,
Stop making me look and sounded like a blithering idiot and a lunatic because I think I can accomplished that by myself thank you. Maybe I already had, but you were my friend, you were supposed to have my back.
So, stop.

For all that we've been through I thought I owed you that much to be a good friend for once. I waited for you to be ready to fix things between us while all you did is talk shit behind my back. I thought I can count on you to always be there. I thought I can count on you to be honest unlike the others. Yet you turned out to be just like what everybody else said; a pathetic prick.

So (Dear,          )

I'm sorry I'm not the one you're looking for,
I'm sorry I'm not her
I'm sorry I couldn't save you.
I'm sorry you didn't want to be saved,
I'm sorry you're broken.
I'm sorry you lose faith,
I'm sorry today's not the day your heart healed from all the pain you felt,
I'm sorry that's not my fault,
I'm sorry it had to end like this,
I'm sorry but now I no longer care,
I'm sorry but now you can go fuck yourself.


Saturday, January 3, 2015


For me, night is always the time when everything come together.
Every thoughts, every feelings, every moments. Everything. At least, most of the time it's like that.

A new year has just began which means new beginning has also began or will soon begins.
Last year, not only I but also my family had gone through so much and I've come to realised that its an endless nightmare, especially for my Mother.
I ended 2014 thinking how stressed out my mother must be feeling. I mean, a single mother who had three children that are still in school who always live and probably used to with living the high life.
At least, for us, in our little Indonesian family, where my other relatives are not very fortunate, I feel like our life are quite luxurious. Every time we want something, we probably will get it. Now, I've to consider everything especially the future every time I want to do something or buy something. In other words, priorities. I need to think what is more important, is it the thing I currently want or something I will want in the future or something that I actually need? I have to change my priorities and I guess that happens when you grow up, right? The consequences I guess.

I know that some of the things that happened to us are probably my Mother's fault, but nobody's perfect, that is all I could say without saying anything bad about her while still speaking the truth.
Honestly, I love her. Of course I do, she's the only parent I have and if it were my Dad, I would use every second of my time spending time with him and show him appreciation and love. I would use it very wisely. Very. So that is why I hope I could be a more understandable person at least for my Mother. I also hope things will work out as they should and all of the hard work that I did will pays off and hopefully, things will get better. I know it seems like a delusional expectation as someone who is very cynical might even think hope is a delusional thing, but I just want to see everyone happy. I want to feel happy. I want to be in that moment where you feel like everything is just right and that you are in the right moment, at the right time. You're just where you're supposed to be, and everything feels right and you know everything will be alright. But yeah, I guess that only happens in movies or books.

Movies and books.
I guess that's why I read so many books and watch so many movies. While my imagination and knowledge and probably also my intellect is growing and expanding, I ended up living a hopeless life due to the too high expectation about job, life and... love.
I expect a man who will stand outside my house with a boom box like the character Lloyd that was played by John Cusack or questioning "why can't I have the Harry to my Sally?" Then wanting a man like the character Charlie in "Letters to Juliet," a man who'll do tiny little thing yet very significant for you, such as going on a date to an observatory where we'd watch the Universe. Very romantic isn't it? But that is just foolish of me, foolish of everyone to expect such a person is still exist in real life. As if it ever even existed. Foolish and rubbish.
I mean, maybe Alain de Bottom is right. Nowadays if you asked whether someone believed in love or not, they'd probably say the didn't when it's not necessarily what they think or truly feel. Its just their way to defend themselves against what they want. Against love. They pretend not to believe in love until they're allowed to believe in it or until the right time comes or the right person comes. Most people would throw away all their cynicism about and on love if the could, the majority, including me, just never get the chance. My therapist told me that, I guess the reason that I don't believe in love especially in the unconditional kind is because I never feel it nor even I see it with my own eyes. All of those things I believe only happens in movies and books.

Is it too cynical though to think this way?
Maybe it is.
I guess if it is I'll just wait for something or someone to change the way I think and feel. The question will be, when?

Yeah, I know. The future could be an unknown, unpredictable bitch sometimes. Making you look like a blithering idiot but maybe it would be worth it, all we have to do is just wait and see. But you know what they say, waiting is always the hardest part.

Before I give my usual advise(s), I want to tell you something.
Do you remember when my posts were so dark and depressing? Yes, I had one of my... episodes. I harmed myself due to the pain that I felt and so I went to a psychiatrist to seek help and as it turn out I have Bipolar Disorder. I may not be the best person to give these kind of advice but I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's a wonderful life, it may not seem or feel like it, but it is and we should cherish every moment of everyday. Invest more of our time on those people that are really matter. While I have the unfortunate conditions where my emotions tend to get out of control, but being and feeling happy really is our choice. To be more optimistic rather than pessimistic is also our choice. To believe that there is such thing as magic in life, and not live a life that is always rational, is also our choice. The choice is ours, because sorrow is how we learn to love and time will help you make sense of everything else.

I'm going to bed.

2015 resolution: none.
Everyday resolution: be better.