I am not writing this so you'll pity me, I'm only writing this for those who seem to be genuinely cared about me and to tell them how I really feel or maybe felt and what I really need.
For the last couple of years, I have been feeling what feels like drowning.
What feels like having a demon in my own mind and head and I've been fighting it for as long as I can remember.
I seek a professional so that he can help me find out what really is going on and he did and now I finally know what's wrong, I am accepting it because I am done.
I am not done fighting because I'm still fighting a battle that probably will never end.
But I am done suffering because suffering is optional and I choose to be okay, because I want to be okay.
Because I'm tired not being okay.
So let me start from the beginning.
Hello, my name is Cynthia and I have Bipolar Disorder (professionally diagnosed). In order to get better I have to take medication so I won't have any manic or depressive episode.
I don't wish to be on the medication for lifelong, because even right now, I feel like it effects my memory. I may not be the best, but I used to feel like I'm good at writing and I have been having some difficulty to remember words and so sometimes I feel like I'm having so many difficulty to write or to say something.
But if I have to be on it and it helps me, then I will try to be on it and take my medication regularly.
God knows what will happen if I didn't anyway.
But sometimes its not as easy as that though.
Bipolar Disorder is also way more complicated than just extreme mood swings and pills and other things that you might know about it.
The majority of people think they understand "depression," and so they "think" they know about "bipolar disorder," though they may not really know how devastating it can be unless they have some kind of experience like that.
I have wrote about me having a depression due to the death of my father but I wrote this NOT to make you understand or aware of mental illness such as Bipolar Disorder but merely to make you understand how Bipolar Disorder had been effecting me and my life.
I cannot always control my emotions especially my temper, it always like that since I was very little.
Anger. Its just written all over my face. That's what my psychiatrist and a lot of people said to me anyway.
I accepted it that I may be a little bit unstable.
Yes, I accepted it but I assure you its not because I want to find something wrong with me or think it would be "cool" or whatever bullshit people these days keep on saying or thinking about having a mental illness, its simply because I'm exhausted.
Nothing seems to work and trust me I tried everything.
All those things has lead to the point where I hallucinated and crying uncontrollably for hours without any reasons, get paranoid and seem to be more agitated.
Then at last, lead to the point where I had suicidal thoughts and decided to cut myself. And while I cut myself, I didn't care what people will think of me because I may used to cut myself because "I like blood" or whatever odd reasons I kept telling everyone.
I didn't care because while I did it, I felt.. how can I describe it to you.. It feels "magical".
Because I felt relieved. I sigh, and felt relieved as if all the pain can just disappear if only I kept cutting and from there I realised why they did it. I understand.
So that is the reason why I went to a professional and now taking medication regularly.
I asked professionals and read articles and books about treating Bipolar without any medication.
The quick answer is: no.
The long answer is: sort of, a bit.
By "sort of, a bit" means that it takes a very strong commitment and hard work to do it and sometimes it may not work, just like medications; sometimes it does work, sometimes it doesn't.
So please, I have my own shrink and I study psychology (so I may know it a lot better than you) and I am the one who is experiencing all of it, all I'm asking is your support.
I thank you for your concern but telling me that I should just "live more healthily because pills won't really help" or "you could get addicted to the medication" or "maybe you should pray more" is just making it harder. Trust me, I had years of trying it all. Literally, ALL of them.
And I want you to stop because I'm NOT actually popping pills, I'm taking medication that I'm supposed to take.
And if you even try saying things like "others have it worse than you," please, just leave.
Because for months, I feel like I am drowning from the inside.
For months, I could feel as if my sanity is slipping away and I say this with no exaggeration.
For months, I struggled.
For months, I fought my own mind.
For months, I was afraid of my own mind.
For months, I tried to make sense of everything.
Scratch that, for years, I tried and I failed.
So I do not need another more months or another year.
I do not want another more months fighting a battle that had ended.
I may have lost it in the end, but with so what feels like little help, I think my coping skill work just fine. And because life can be hard sometimes, but living inside a bell jar makes it even harder and I'm trying my best.
So please don't make it harder.
And for those who read this and start stigmatising me or those who are like me, well I really don't care and I guess shame on you.
Because sometimes its okay not to be okay.
Bipolar disorder is soul-consuming,
And so sometimes all we need is support because sometimes that's all you can give.