R.T. 5 - UNPLUGGING FROM THE INTERNET... Or at least, I should try.

Due to recent event (Great Britain leaving The EU, which makes it not so great, to be perfectly honest), I'm going back to my old self where I tuned out about what's going on in the world, as it seems to be doing a perfectly good job fucking shit up by its own. I'm just going to be over here, reading about all types of sciences and reading about some magical lands with magical beings, those are bliss. But politics? The stuff of nightmares, they are. I mean, I honestly don't want to be ignorant about it but i think it would be better if I'm doing, even the smallest things that can be done, without involving politics in the things I'm doing and will be doing. I never liked it in my entire (almost) 20 years of existence, though it's always there. I never understood it, the world is pretty much already fucked up without it, since the world is probably dominated by ignorants, the stupid, and the lazy. So I guess, what the hell? I'm "unplugging" from this stuff of nightmares, though I will probably still going to keep trying to educate myself as much as possible about a lot of things without feeling as much pain and helplessness by reading too much from the internet.

R.T. 4 - NO MORE WORDS, EARS, AND ENERGY LEFT TO SPARE

Honestly though, people talk way too much and internet encourages it, and this is coming from someone who talks too much—either its true, or I'm a really shitty, selfish person. There is a time and place to talk about your love life, school, problems etc, and its not ALL THE TIME.

You're lonely? Fine, but don't come running to me. I'm the opposite of comfort. 

You're sad? Okay. I don't know if I can be much help, but okay. 

You're broken-hearted? Okay, this is starting to get ridiculous. I mean, come on. What am I? Some love-doctor? Obviously not. 

You feel like shit? Well, wrong move coming to me. Its sugar-coating free zone here, folks.

You're angry? Unless its because of me, please go away. I have enough problems to take care of other than your so called drama. 

You're bored and wanting some small talks? If you're coming to me, how stupid can you be? I hate small talks. I'm just honestly tired of talking, and I probably find you really, really annoying. So please, I'm begging you to stop and go away, because I'm seriously considering charging people for listening to their so called problems and giving them my advice, time and energy. 

(I'm a crappy friend, I've warned you and you've known that already)

It might not look like it but I do have a life, you know. Your life isn't a priority, mine is. You can come and talk to me, but don't expect any answers. It's something you need to find yourself. Because now, I no longer have words to give and no ears, and energy left to spare. 

So maybe, for the time being, I'll deal with my problems and you'll deal with yours. It'll honestly spare me some kindness and spare you some heartaches. 

I am one goddamn selfish, and rude human being, deal with it. 

PRAY FOR ORLANDO

Words fails. Heartbroken, devastated and disgusted doesn't even begin to cover how I feel. All I see is human being being injured and killed because of who they choose to love. My heart goes out to the LGBT community, especially to those who are killed and injured in recent event of evil, and their friends and family and all involved in another senseless act of evil. This needs to end! Don't let hate win, don't let hate dominate our world, let's stop this together!

TAKING A STAND: "LET'S END LIFE SENTENCES FOR THE SURVIVORS AND START LIFE SENTENCES FOR THE CRIMINALS"

After months and months of studying, I took this week (and maybe also next week) off from studying. Since I wasn't studying, I found myself having a free time that could be use to do things other than reading or watching movies. But I ended up reading anyway. I read tons and tons of articles from Facebook, Twitter, Blogs, and then I finally start reading tons of article from Thought Catalogue when I stumbled upon a compilation of articles and writings about the rapist, Brock Turner case—here is the link, you can download the pdf for free. If you don't know who Brock Allen Turner is, I suggest you look him up but I will promise you by the end of it you'll feel so enraged and all you want to do is beat the shit out of this kinds of people, even those who can't even do their job right like the Judge.

The flaws in the system and the damage rape culture causes the society is enraging, I am filled with furious anger and disgust. The problem with groups who deal with rape is that they try to educate women about how to defend themselves. What really needs to be done is teaching men not to rape. Go to the source and start there. No matter how much you were drinking that night, no matter what you were wearing, no is NO. Survivors should know that what they went through is a big deal and they should not be or feel like they are being punished for something that someone did to them.

Rape and sexual assault are something that affect both men and women, but right now I will be focusing on this woman and this one man convicted of three sexual assault felonies. What others don't understand that the perpetuator will be sentence a minimum of 14 years or more if they are found guilty but there is also a chance where they are not found guilty and in Brock Turner case, the sentence might be reduced from 6 months to 3 months because of 'good behaviour' and the reason he was only sentence for 6 months in the first place was because he was a 'good' athlete and because the judge justify that a longer sentence would "have a sever impact on him" and his father thinks that the '20 minutes of his action' out of 20 plus year of his life should not altered his life forever—as it should—and though the sentence was reduced, his so call father said it was still 'a steep price to pay.' I mean, come on! Boohoo, Poor Brock can't eat steak because he feel depressed. Well, Boohoo he no longer a student in Stanford. And he feel sad and depressed isn't because he raped somebody, it wasn't because he did something wrong, it was because he thinks he is the victim. Well I guess that's that. I guess you can be athletic and talented and I guess smart, and intelligent, but he has zero moral compass. Piece of shit. And what they—especially the Turner's, in this case—forget to think about is the victim or the survivor as I would call her. 

Her life is altered forever. She may not be conscious at the time to remember every single detail of it, but she will always be reminded of that night. Though she might look fine, but she will always be in constant fear, never feel safe. Years from now, she will still be in fear and she might even have flashbacks that would broke her to pieces. She'd feel so impure, and so filthy, she'd wish she could crawl out of her skin. 

The survivors might think how they could have stop it; from they could've have said no louder, fight the perpetuator, or the could have run. But sometimes, in situation like this, we could scream, or fight, or flight, but sometimes, we were so shocked and all we can do is just stood there. But in this case, she was already unconscious. She was even more powerless. She can't even say a whole sentence that make sense, let alone fight him or make a run for it.

So as a woman, a person, and for heaven's sake, as a human being, I am taking a stand. I'll stand with women—and men—around the world: no more rape, no more sexual assault, no more abuse and sexual violence. This is one of the very crucial issue in society and in the world, and we should keep the discussion going because one of the thing that we learned from the survivors is that speaking out is important and words can make a hell of a difference. So let's end life sentences for the survivors and start life sentences for the perpetuator—for the criminals. And let's hope to God that the Justice System anywhere in the world would be fixed so that no matter what their gender is, or their skin color, or how privileged they are, they would be sentence accordingly and justly. 

HAVING A HARD TIME COULD NOT ALWAYS JUSTIFY OR BE USE AS AN EXCUSE FOR YOUR ACTION.

If you're having a hard and painful time, deal with it because it will pass if you do, it never lasts. But it doesn't give you the right to treat everyone like shit and having a hard time could not always justify or be use as excuse for what you did. Your action defines who you are, not what you say you are. And one of the biggest mistake you can make in your life is letting people stay in your life longer than they deserved to.

If there is a particular person in your life that is repeatedly choosing not to honour you and is causing you more sadness or pain than they are joy–it might be time to release that friendship/relationship back to God and trust it is not where you belong. A moment of clarity, that is the best thing that ever happened because now I'm free and its my life, I have the right to be exclusive and choose who I want to be in my life, and I do not welcome your kind; the toxic kind, a liar, and the deceiver.

Because no, the world doesn't revolve around you (or I for that matter) and yes, it's so easy to talk big but fortunately I'm more impressed if you only talk about the truth and only the truth. You've lied too much and everyone see right through all of your bullshit story and your lame excuses. Because sorry meant nothing when you don't mean it. I mean, its considerate for you to say it, but sometimes action does speak louder than words and you can justify it all you can but no amounts of excuses or justification can blur all the things you did and did not do.

The difference between you and me is that unlike you, I don't think myself as a victim. Being a victim means you are powerless. That you won't take action. Always... always I've done something to fight for myself, for others. No matter what. Unlike you, I avoid as much as possible not to make excuses for my action. I might be self-destructive, I might harm myself but I don't harm others—at least, I try not to—and if I do, I'll take the blame and be compassionate and I will apologise, and mean it with all I have. Because for all the suffering and pain I have endured and have to endure, I know its a part of me and will be a part of me, and I can blame others or look for sympathy and affirmation as much as I want, but all it did is just do me no good so I'll fight it and won't let it destroys me, I'll learn from it but never make myself a victim—never.

If you keep looking for sympathy as a justification for your action, you will someday be left standing alone when you really need help and I guess for you 'someday' is today, someday is now. Because do you have any friends anymore? Or someone who isn't sick of you and your bullshit? Yes? No? I'm guessing the latter.

And you know what, twisting the truth is lying and just because something isn't a lie does not mean it isn't deceptive, and keeping things hidden—rather secret—I think it's just as bad as lying. Because lies and secrets, they are like cancer to your soul; once its there, its hard to destroy them.

And you came back because of what? Because you've missed me? Or is it because you're lonely or just horny? Either way, it doesn't matter because baby, you're so full of shit. So go on, lie again. I fucking dare you.

You have less honour than a piece of shit.

Because its easy to talk big, but the important thing is whether or not you clean up the shit. So go peddle your bullshit somewhere else because I'm not buying it. No one does anymore. 

PRAY AWAY THE FEAR

I thought the nervous feeling in my stomach is telling me that there is a chance that I liked this person, but in fact it was telling me to either fight or flight. My instinct has always known it will only bring to heartache and regret, and bringing back childhood trauma. But I didn't listen; I didn't know that's what it meant until recently. 

Okay—so that you would understand, I let you know a little bit about the back story of this: around 8 years ago, someone that I rather trusted did something to me that I couldn't say out loud. People might think it wasn't as horrible and might think it wasn't a big thing that happened to me but for me it was the biggest thing; it left me with a scar that I don't think will ever go away. Because to this very day, I haven't forgotten about it, and I think it woken up my radar for "bad" people, that's why I sometimes get so good for eliminating people that isn't as good as everyone thinks and picking up things that other people don't. That's the only good that comes out of it, one of the bad thing? I will always be afraid and always be in fear. I wish this is my way of coping; to be afraid of someone and feel so disgusted I feel like staying in the shower all day, but it isn't. That would be better, because it only means my problem somehow isn't real. Somehow the only reason I feel that way is because of shame. I mean I do feel ashamed, but this, is deeper than that and I don't think anyone understand. 

Since I was a kid I never had a problem for telling the truth. I never had a problem with what other people think about me, I never overthink it. They can call me names but I never care. I always think that I'm great no matter what they think, and if they can't see that, then they are not meant to be in my life because I do not welcome those kinds of people in my life. And I was never afraid to admit I have depression or mental health problems. I was never afraid to be stigmatised, I was never bothered by what others could not understand. But this.. this childhood trauma, that is more than just my parents punishing me by beating the shit out of me. This.. is different. 

They took a piece of me and it left a big hole in me. It might heal but there will always be scars that reminds me of it. I think maybe that is why I clutch to anger so tight; because its easier than being clutched by fear. Its easier than admitting to someone who may or may not care if you're hurt and broken and damaged. Its easier than feeling disgusted with yourself, because you just feel so filthy, so impure. 

I realised too that anger is such a heavy thing to carry and these people don't deserve even a tiny space in my life. But I wish it was that easy. I wish I can let go of the anger. I wish I can let go of the fear. But if I feel those things, I'll become so vulnerable and I'll be sure to fall apart. Either way, I'll lose. 

So for now, I'll just try to pray away the fear. 

I'll try to pray away the anger until the day come where I'm no longer in constant fear. 

Until the day come when the flashbacks no longer broke me to pieces. 

Until that someday come where these people no longer had any power over me. 

I'll pray and pray, until the scar no longer reminds me of that day. 

I'll pray and pray, until I finally win.

TO MAKE LIFE A LITTLE BIT BETTER:

figure out what is important and hold on tight to the things that matter most then let go of the things that only drags you down and stop worrying about the things you cannot control.

I LOVE YOU, S.

"how can we make sense of all of this?

will this ever make sense?

or will the pain just simply going to fade but the world still makes no sense?" 

All of this feel too surreal. all I can feel is just this ache that covers me from head to toe, it physically hurt so fucking bad. Its like one big fucking joke, yet no one is laughing. I can't be alone, can't even sleep on my own in my own room. Its too hard to accept one of the strongest person that I know is gone. I can't bear being alone with my own thoughts, I kept seeing your face every time I close my eyes. Its all too much. And I keep having this feeling that you'd showed up, all well and smiling and making some inappropriate jokes with that raspy voice of yours and you'll play with my chubby cheeks and you'll try to bite it. Or when I showed up to your house, you'll be there, reading manga from your laptop or reading comics or some Japanese, grotesque novels. 

Though I didn't spend that much time with you like we used to, too busy with my study and moving back and forth, I hope you know it in your heart that I cherish you and every moment that I spend with you. The absence of your presence will create one of the biggest hole in our hearts.

You were one of my best friends, and I don't even know what we're going to do without you. I don't know what I am going to do without you. But I won't discredit your genuine, loving heart and soul by writing about something selfish,

So to my dearest friend, Shera.

I love you, we all do. I hope you know that when you took your last breath.

No words can't even begin to describe how much that I love you, and how much I will miss you, and how much your presence in my life has brought me so many joy and blessings and I honestly can't thank you enough for all the things you did or didn't or said or never said to me, for you know me well than most people do and you know how to be a great friend, because you are. The best of the best.

I hope you'll meet people with bigger and chubbier cheeks ya, biar bisa lo gigitin smp puas; mine will always miss your bites. (Not really, it hurts but I'll miss you too much, already do and you're the only one that can bite it. I love you)

And I hope you are enjoying the greatest heaven that Allah has ever created, the best of the best, and I hope my Dad will take care of you so you won't be alone and scared and tired no more.

I will always wish you well walaupun sudah di akhirat, Sher. And I know our words can't do you justice. You're so much better, more than what we could ever say or write. Dan udah yah, sakit nya udah selesai, yang tenang Sher.

One day we'll see each other again. But for now, I hope you rest in peace, my love. 

Inalillahiwainnailallhirajiun..

Sincerely, 

Everyone that loves you.