PRAY AWAY THE FEAR

I thought the nervous feeling in my stomach is telling me that there is a chance that I liked this person, but in fact it was telling me to either fight or flight. My instinct has always known it will only bring to heartache and regret, and bringing back childhood trauma. But I didn't listen; I didn't know that's what it meant until recently. 

Okay—so that you would understand, I let you know a little bit about the back story of this: around 8 years ago, someone that I rather trusted did something to me that I couldn't say out loud. People might think it wasn't as horrible and might think it wasn't a big thing that happened to me but for me it was the biggest thing; it left me with a scar that I don't think will ever go away. Because to this very day, I haven't forgotten about it, and I think it woken up my radar for "bad" people, that's why I sometimes get so good for eliminating people that isn't as good as everyone thinks and picking up things that other people don't. That's the only good that comes out of it, one of the bad thing? I will always be afraid and always be in fear. I wish this is my way of coping; to be afraid of someone and feel so disgusted I feel like staying in the shower all day, but it isn't. That would be better, because it only means my problem somehow isn't real. Somehow the only reason I feel that way is because of shame. I mean I do feel ashamed, but this, is deeper than that and I don't think anyone understand. 

Since I was a kid I never had a problem for telling the truth. I never had a problem with what other people think about me, I never overthink it. They can call me names but I never care. I always think that I'm great no matter what they think, and if they can't see that, then they are not meant to be in my life because I do not welcome those kinds of people in my life. And I was never afraid to admit I have depression or mental health problems. I was never afraid to be stigmatised, I was never bothered by what others could not understand. But this.. this childhood trauma, that is more than just my parents punishing me by beating the shit out of me. This.. is different. 

They took a piece of me and it left a big hole in me. It might heal but there will always be scars that reminds me of it. I think maybe that is why I clutch to anger so tight; because its easier than being clutched by fear. Its easier than admitting to someone who may or may not care if you're hurt and broken and damaged. Its easier than feeling disgusted with yourself, because you just feel so filthy, so impure. 

I realised too that anger is such a heavy thing to carry and these people don't deserve even a tiny space in my life. But I wish it was that easy. I wish I can let go of the anger. I wish I can let go of the fear. But if I feel those things, I'll become so vulnerable and I'll be sure to fall apart. Either way, I'll lose. 

So for now, I'll just try to pray away the fear. 

I'll try to pray away the anger until the day come where I'm no longer in constant fear. 

Until the day come when the flashbacks no longer broke me to pieces. 

Until that someday come where these people no longer had any power over me. 

I'll pray and pray, until the scar no longer reminds me of that day. 

I'll pray and pray, until I finally win.