"We can love completely even without complete understanding"

Today I woke up with a sad heart. Again. I miss him terribly. I couldn't understand why this healing is taking so long and even after I decided to leave, I still feel a sense of loyalty that made me feel I'm in the in-between. I prayed, I meditate, I socialised, I feel. But still, some mornings and days are good, some mornings I woke up only to find the pang and hollowness back on my centre. But maybe this is what it should feel like when you let go someone who you thought (and still think) is the love of your life. Because I once said that, "If at the end of it this would end, I'm okay with it; you're worth the pain." To have felt a love as pure and as good as we had in the beginning was definitely worth this pain, I just didn't think that this day would ever come. 

I just didn't think that somewhere along the way we would also hurt each other in a way that we did. You told me that I was holding a grudge, when that was exactly what I think you were doing. I hurt you after a month I left you the first time. You said you forgiven me. But I think you were just waiting for the right time to hurt me the way that I hurt you, if not more. You waited and made sure so that it looks like it wasn't your intention to do so because it wasn't you who initiated anything. So you can also convince yourself that is not something you were doing. 

But now although I still couldn't trust you and I'm not sure I should or ever will, I have forgiven you and I never did stop loving you. 

For the boy who regrets

You are not a villain in my story. I have met many villains, but you are not one of them.

I've seen the good in you, and it only natural that there are bad in you, too. I still think you're lovely, just not as magical as I thought you were the first time I met you. A subjective view is all I have, but it helped me to fully forgiven you.

You're just a boy who takes things for granted and somehow manage to learn from his tiny mistakes, but not the big ones that define his life. You're just a boy who takes things for granted and keeps forgetting the lessons he learned and to fully appreciate what you have. You're a boy who regrets; that is why you keep dragging the past with you, causing havoc in the present moment. You drag a love that ends awhile ago, breaking a bond of trust and love in your present moment. Only to wonder why things don't work—self-sabotage. I think the reason why distrust people who are good, especially one that is too good to be true, is because you know its a lie; you were too good to be true for me, then your true self started to show itself. I loved you through the disgraceful phase of you, because I like you because of the good things but I love you despite of the not so good things. But I didn't stop trusting you because one big event that happen, it was because of the tiny events that piles up that hurts and made me stop trusting you. You're a lovely, yet silly boy. Maybe this is how you feel about me, too, and that is okay; you regretted the setbacks in your career and forgot about the things you did and achieve in those time. You forgot too, that sometimes, some things can be two things instead of just one. You used to carry the shadow of your regrets and stops you from living, but at least you're learning that pain and setbacks can—if not meant to—be used and turned into strength to create something better now. You carry this sorrow of... what is it? Is it from the validation that you never got? Love you never got? The pride you never got? either way, the whatever it is that you never get a long time ago from the people that meant to give you all of those. You carry it around, waiting, thinking that someday or by doing certain things they will be capable of patching up the hole in you. You may think you've accepted it all, but certainly, there still things you're unable to accept: things like accepting the fact that they may never give you what you want and/or need in order to be whole. That's your responsibility now, but you sometimes forgets that. Or maybe you don't. But you can't get mad at someone for waving your past on you when you carry them around and round. Even when that person says "enough is enough," but you never listen so now you have to listen to the things you never listen to in the past. But hey, at the end of it, I guess you still decide its not worth listening to; I tend to have more conversation with you in my head than with the actual you which is why all of this is just a subjective view and opinion. Agree to disagree.

At the end of the day, you don't have to listen to what I have to say or these subjective opinion of mine. I know from experience that forging and having your own values, beliefs and conviction is better for ourselves. We can listen and learn from the people around us, even our parents, but what they think is best may not be the best for you and what they think is bad may turned into the best thing you ever did or have. If you never forge your identity outside of what other people think of you or out of your family, you may become hesitant in life. So, of course as always, you hold all the options. Just as I do; I am no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop because you (and maybe, I) have dropped it awhile ago and I can't change it. But all these words and actions and struggles are only here to help me accept what was done, so I can let it go and stop fighting the tide of change; maybe even let go of you.

Someone said that some people say goodbye in one big moment, while others say goodbye in phases. I guess this is me saying goodbye in phases. Because at the end of the day, this change and transformation that happens to us is necessary. There is always the need to let go of the things that no longer serve us. At the end of the day, I'm just a girl who have an endless questions in her head; a girl who tries to understand the pain that you feel that ended up causing pain to others; a girl who tries to change for the better, to change every aspects of her life for the better. While you're just a lovely, silly boy who regrets and slowly seeing and knowing, and hopefully transforming for the better.

Growth is better than being stagnant because even though you're not as magical as I thought when I found you, I still think you have magic in you. If only you can stop carrying the shadows of your past with you everywhere, maybe then you can see and feel it, too. Because being mindful is necessary and a part of growth. Light is the only way through, always.

At the end of the day, my words always meant to lift you up even when it hurts as long as its true.
At the end of the day, I still write about you and that is saying something more than words can say.