It might be the lack of sleep that triggers it. It might be the book that I'm currently reading. It might be that I have been cooped up in my room all weekend (even though it's only 1pm). But whatever it is, I know that I have just been sitting and standing around over the edge, kinda expecting this to happen at some point.
What I know is that I'm not feeling that great and I'm not just saying its one of those moods that always comes and goes, this is different. This only happened a few times, even on those dark days back then.
This heaviness on my chest is getting a bit too much and I don't know anymore how to make it go away. I know I'm still functioning and all. I know I can still study, I still enjoy reading, personal hygiene and food is still important for me, so yes, I'm basically still functioning and all despite what's been on my mind.
Some days I just think to myself that I want it all to stop, to end it. But to end what? Do I want University to be over? Do I want this semester to be over? Do I want this heaviness and pain to end? Do I want all the hate in the world to be erased? Or all of the above and I just want it all to end, so might as well end it?
It is the impurest thoughts out of all: to end your life. More than thinking about sex. More than thinking about conning someone.
At least it is in my book.
But the worst things isn't knowing that I wouldn't do it, but knowing that those thoughts creates an urge in me. A great, strong urges, to cut.
Look, I'm not trying to be emo here. I just don't feel like I could go to anyone about this. They will just try to make me feel better so that they could feel better. They will just have this look on their face that kind of says, "seriously?" or "what the fuck? Stop being so bloody emo." They just wouldn't really understand. But most of all, even if they could understand, I have too many shits that I don't even understand myself and for the life of me wish could be fixed, yet telling them all of these just wouldn't change a single thing. Just sort of stalling the inevitable. So, I guess after all this time, it's the reason why I'm back here, writing it all down again.
Getting tired of talking. Getting tired thinking in poetry and prose. We're back to basics. Fun.
But do you know what's frustrating about all this? It's no longer different moments. These moments of dark thoughts are no longer happening on different time when I'm "functioning". So I'm basically just fucking basics just like everyone else. I'm a fucking functioning, suicidal (-ish), self-harming, whatever else label I should put in there to describe myself. So, I can't tell anymore when I'm actually doing okay or when I'm having "one of those days". Because I can be okay one moment, and I kid you not, the second after, all these intrusive thoughts just barge in and I'm just there. Helpless. Confused.
With all the issues I'm having with myself, I mean, the identity crisis alone is honestly taking so much of my energy. I honestly can't handle all of these intrusive thoughts/urges. I'm also tired of asking for help if once again, I don't get any answers, let alone get rid of all these inside.
So, yes. It's taking everything I have to stop myself from hurting myself. I mean, I have enough scars already and it just doesn't look pretty, okay? Yes, yes. Of course I care about my appearance. Geez. And I really don't want to see the look on those I love. The look that says sigh in a look form. The look that says, "why didn't you come to me? I could've helped. I am so sorry. And you should feel sorry too." Who else is tired of that look, because I am. But I love them for it because it means they still care. I just can't really bring myself to talk to them. I just don't want to listen to the sound of their voice that says they think I'm just looking for attention, but thought against saying those out loud.
This inadequacy is getting a bit much. I'm going back to my book. Thanks for reading, if anyone is still (if ever) reading this.
If you're triggered by this post, I suggest you seek help, which is probably something I should do. Like soon. I'll try. Promise.
— It's taking everything I have to stop myself. It's taking everything I have to help myself.
Yours truly. x
