I don't write as much these days and when I told him this, he grew sad and said that he felt guilty. He felt guilty for helping me get better emotionally, and when my emotional state is better, the writing seems to stop. I laughed when he said that to me though because I don't know whether him feeling guilty is the sweetest thing or just the weirdest thing.
A lot of sweet words were said, but not without arguing about the little things, about the big things, and basically about everything. There were times when we hurt each other (some were unintentional, but there were some that were intentional. I regrettably, of course, did most of the intentional one), but we keep coming back to each other every time and tends each other's wounds. From the first moment that we talked, I can feel as if everything starts to fall into place. That first grinned that felt like the calmest wave in a storm, and the dreamy look he gave as he watches me admiring and enjoying the rain and simply whenever.
A friend of mine asks me today, whether all the hurtful things a lot of people (guys in particular) ever said and did, were worth it after all. She doesn't have to ask and no one needs to remind me how worth it, it all was. I mean, it would be great to not have to go through one bullshit after another, but without the struggles, I don't think I'll be as appreciative and careful with this. Because of those who know me might know whom this writing is about. I am actually holding something back as it is my private life after all and I guess since the beginning I was always careful when it comes to writing about him, even if it is poetry. There are the instinct and sense of wanting to keep him to myself as he is mine and mine alone, at least for the time being. Yet I also have this intricate sense of want and need of wanting to share what I have with him to the world and make the world envious of it. Sounds more like the intricate sense of paradoxes and my head is filled with too much poetry, prose, and to be honest, science essay that I don't know how much of my writing makes some sense and good and not pretentious and crap.
But yes, he can be the thickest person ever. Though he has his moments when everything that he said and did is the sweetest things. Without even trying he can do and say the right thing and what I needed to hear. Without even trying, he can do and say what I needed to hear to tear down the walls I've built against those who didn't have the truest intentions and against love. Being with someone who made you believe and reminded you every single day that not only magic is real but its always within your reach as it can be found in you and everywhere you go, its always going to be there as long as you believe, is the most exhilarating thing—and for lack of a better word, its bloody magical.
I'm not hundredth percent sure how it will all end—or begin—as only time will tell and no sweet words can ever be enough. No 'I love you' can ever be enough. But telling you that I think I am ready, at least emotionally, might be enough. Yes?
As I am the gladdest thing under the sun as you cast your fragrance and radiance over me. I am delicate in all the right ways whenever you're around and there can always be a thousand prayers being said for you and about you but I am thankful for all the thousands of prayers I've uttered that leads me right to you. To a home that keeps calling and one that wanted to stays forever.
But only time will tell.
Yours truly x
