Sunday, August 31, 2014

Soul-shattering kind of love

The love I'm feeling for him is soul-shattering.
The love I'm feeling for him is slowly succumb my soul back to the darkness.
The love I'm feeling for him is annihilating.
What is it about him?
What else can you do when all you can do is hope and when all you have left is hope?

I've been trying to shed some lights on all the confusion and chaos that my mind is creating and is trying to tell me. 

He dragged me out of my dark place and show me that there is so much more if only I turn on the light. But my bones aches. It aches everytime I think about him. 

Why are you doing this to me?
Why am I doing this to me?
Its like you wish I ache the way you ache. 

Tell me what to do.
Tell me that you want me.
Tell me that you need me.
Oh the desperation. I'm sick of it. 
My mind keeps on telling me to walk away, but my heart and soul keeps on aching and yearning, and longing for him. Maybe I need to stop running and so I don't have to keep on coming back to the same sorrow over and over again. But I haven't been running, so what else can I do?
Instead of shedding some light, I shed on some tears. And instead of giving me serenity, you gave my sadness a name.
Your name.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Lets not talk about sadness anymore. I'm sick of it. Even talking about it making me sick and tired.

Everything is a mess.
Everybody is messed up.
Everybody is fucked up in their own way.
Someone's getting bullied somewhere,
Someone's bullying someone somewhere,
Someone's a loner,
Someone's depressed,
Someone's sad,
Someone's anorexic,
Someone's abused..
So what can we do about it?

Don't get me wrong, I also do think break-ups are real problems, but sometimes people are too scared to leave their pain behind. Trust me, those pain might shaped who you are, but sometimes you also need to let them go. Someone might take your pain away from you, but nobody is taking away any of your scars. It still gonna be there if that's what scares you.

My friend said something to me this morning, she said, "I wonder how is it that you seem to be okay? you fake smiles and you keep moving. I wonder how's that possible, because I can't. You focus on yourself, your friends and your study."

I have no idea either to be proud of myself for being such a strong person, or feeling sad that someone see my smiles as fake and so I think I should just laugh it off until I cry.

Yes, I've been hurt, I was depressed, I've lost my best friends several times to so many things; love, jealousy, hatred, different directions in life. Yes, I've lost my father. I've lost my innocence. I've lost my faith on love. But why should I keep on dwelling on the past? Its in the past, but doesn't mean it should be in my future. I would learn from all of the scars and the pain I have to feel and have, but I won't let my soul succumb to the darkness again. I won't surrender to the empty space, to the nothingness.

Things aren't always going to be fair in the real world. That's just the way it is. But for the most part, you get what you give. Of course though, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. When you have been through a difficult time and have endured life's challenges, be open to healing and transformation so nothing can shadow your life or get in the way of your potential for future happiness. Be open to new ideas and growth. Listen to the still small voice within. You should have faith and trust in the Universe but lets not talk about sadness anymore or just not anytime soon. I am tired of it. I need to believe that everything will work out the way they supposed to and I'm just gonna do my part and make the best out of it.

Sunday, August 24, 2014


So many things has happened the last couple of weeks. I'm too confused to know how I feel, I believe this is what they'd call mixed feelings.

A good friend of mine just left for University and I know, I know, its not for forever but its still gonna be a long time from now until I see her again and oh, I finally ended things with that guy. And this time, its for good. I hate separation, I hate goodbyes. But I guess, who doesn't right?

I've realised so many things that I didn't before. I guess I did that constantly these days, every single day. So I guess, I'm growing every single day. Its a either a blessing or a curse, I guess we'll find out soon enough. But yes, I've realised that it was time for me to say my last goodbye to that guy. I was really happy when we started being friends again, how I can finally talk to him without feeling sad because I can feel him being distant. But then the cycle starts again, and I guess I need to do what's best for me and staying with him is definitely isn't the best one. I guess I like him too much but all he wants is probably just sex. And I think he thought that I didn't see through him, through all of his pretenses, I thought I didn't as well, but I did, well I do see through him. I guess I was standing too close to see for what he really is; a fickle immature boy. Still very irresponsible. One day he's here, the next- he could just disappear to God knows where. Maybe he thought I was a burden and he finds me very irritating, but I know what's best for me and saying goodbye is the wisest decision as I'm starting to see him for who he really is. I mean he still is a great person, he was a good friend for me after all, but he probably no longer feel the sparks and it was just lust after all for him. And I can see that it is impossible to fix something or someone who doesn't want to be fixed. I wasn't trying to fix him anyway, but I guess its still a waste of time if he doesn't even want to try.

No need to give me an I-told-you-so because in other word- I guess yeah, I know that he is an asshole after all. But I won't let this turn me bitter. I did change for the better and so many great things has happened to me. Its very hard for me to explain everything and put it into words as my mind is still a chaos and I have no idea when the chaos can finally quiet down and so I can put it into words. I'm so confused about everything. I don't feel sad, I just feel really angry. I can feel the anger within me. I guess that is just a warning how you shouldn't pissed someone off who already did try to do everything for you and make them feel unappreciated, oh especially when they have anger issues. Trust me, anger issues makes it even worse. I can't even cry, I did cried it out but I don't feel relieved at all, its like I need to break someone's neck in order to feel relief. But I'm not THAT crazy, so no I wouldn't do that but that is just how mad I am.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes when you love someone so much that its possible for your love to drive them away and sometimes they don't know what they've got until its gone. Please know that those people doesn't deserve you. I know, I'm also still trying to accept that fact but I guess we just need to remind ourselves that from time to time.

I honestly value honesty and appreciation more than anything. I do know that I can be selfish, I am selfish, I guess its just human nature but I will provide you with honesty if you need it. But if I can't have any of it in a relationship, either be it a friendship or a romantic relationship, I know when enough is enough and when its time for me to walk away and I know that its the wisest decision. And I'm so fucking sure now is the time to walk away from this guy. I did try to fix our friendship for almost a year and he did realised it that there is something off and we do, did, have a problem but he kept on saying, "we're good." Well all I can say is, fuck you, for always making me feel the problem is one sided and he doesn't even say sorry. Just because I let you back in doesn't mean what you did was okay. It wasn't, and I realised that now.

Also, always remember not to try to fix something or someone when you're the one who needs fixing up. And sometimes all we need isn't fixing up but we just need to heal ourselves. And as you may know, you should never force anything; friendship, love, if its meant to be, then it will happen. If things didn't work out, just hope that you did your best to make it work and you give it your all because I think sometimes we waste our words and we don't take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance. As for my good friend, I'm sad that she is leaving but no matter, I'm also happy and excited for her as she'll do amazing things; loyal friend don't forget you no matter what the circumstances, those who leave were never meant to be in your space to begin with.

Life is a bitch, but wrong timing is the mother of the bitch. And sometimes when you love someone but the timing is off, the only thing left to do is wrap your arms around each other one last time and then just.. let go. Because separation and goodbyes are necessary and maybe sometimes distance will remind us how brilliant they are and so will teach us to appreciate its brilliance. Its hard to lose somebody. I spent a lot of time searching for reasons or answers but you can't find what's not there. It just happened. Life is too short to play games. If you love somebody and you want to be with them, then go get them. Deal with the mess later. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. The worst case is that we fell in love, and at some point, the people that we love forget to love us back. And when that happen I guess we just need to stop and focus on the good things. Happiness comes in many forms- in the company of good friends, in the feeling you get when you make someone else's dream come true, or in the promise of hope renewed. Its okay to let yourself be happy because you never know how fleeting that happiness might be..

Wednesday, August 13, 2014


Okay, so lets take a moment and Rest In Peace, Robin Williams. To be honest, I'm not like his huge-obsessed-number-one-fan, but I do enjoy his work, I especially love him in Good Will Hunting as I very much like that movie so for that, my condolences.

But this post is not gonna be all about him, more about his mental state.

As you may know that he died of suicide, and it was said that he was depressed. I may not very qualified to talk about psychology as I'm not a psychologist but I did went through depression for a very long time. Now, in my hometown, Indonesia, most people don't think depression is a very serious problems as they are less aware of what it is and have little knowledge about it. For you who see or have seen someone who is or was sad for a very long time, and seem like they cannot do anything else except just being sad, and lose all of their interests on everything they used to love, what you see or saw is someone who is or was going through a depression.

Depression is a very real problem. It is not like being upset or sad, you can't or it is very hard to get out of the loony bin. One good day doesn't make it all okay, just because you see them happy for a day doesn't mean the sun is already shining, the rain is still going on inside, but currently there is just less thunder and it could just be a normal rain instead of a storm.

You may feel annoyed or fixated by this person, because you would probably thought, "get over it man, you put yourself in that hole, you can get out of it easily if you want to. You can't get over it, because you didn't try hard enough."

Now, don't. I need you to stop. Depression is not as easy as that. Trust me, depressed people try so hard not to feel and be depressed. They hated themselves for feeling depressed. They hated themselves. For no apparent reason. But sometimes it is out of their control and sometimes, when you're inside the loony bin, once you get out of it, you can so easily being dragged down to that hole again. Feeling depressed and being sad or overly upset is not the same. I repeat, its not the same. If you have never feel depressed, don't say that you know how it feels, because you don't.

I was depressed for over a year. I try not to show it because I wasn't really aware that I was depressed, as I never feel depressed before, but I did know a little about depression though. I tried to blocked out my grieves on losing my father, so I tried to pull myself together and won't let myself cry, at least not in front of anyone. I would go the bathroom or to my room just to cry. I would act all happy until night come, and I would cry myself to sleep. Then one day I woke up feeling numb. I still miss my father, and I still am grieving, but for some reason, I feel like I no longer think it as a big deal anymore, that I just have to accept that he's gone and crying my eyes out won't bring him back. I started hanging out with my friends again, starts laughing and having fun, but I just don't feel it. I realised it later that I have been faking it.

I remember it so vividly about the night I realised that I was depressed because that night I was lying on my bed and I thought, "I don't see why I should keep on going with my life. There is no use, no one's going to miss me anyway. Maybe I should just end... everything; all of my pain, my numbness, the chaos inside me, everything."

I know that the worst stage you can be in when you're depressed is when you have suicidal thoughts, and so I snap out of it as soon as I can and I started reading books about depression just to have a better understanding about it and I also find out how to cure it. It doesn't tell how it occur to you, but it does help me.

That was when I was still living in England. When I got back to Indonesia, I was so aware that I was numb and depressed. I was depressed on my birthday (For God's sake. I know right!), actually it was the whole week after my birthday. Then that is when I try to change.. my lifestyle or whatever it is. I did what I felt like necessary at the time; I cut people off out of my life. Only a few people get to talk to me and actually see me. I try to find the cause of the problems. Then, since I can't find the cause, I try to find the solution to it. But I realised I can't get the solution that I really want, the one that can make me feel happy, really happy. And so I try to find another solution to my problems. I found it and I use it and I finally here. I get to the point where I realised that I don't have to stay in the dark nor under the light all the time. Because when you find that one person who understands you, at least tries to, they will listen to your problems. They will listen no matter what, and try so hard to make you okay. But for you who does have someone who is going through a depression and try to help them, don't try to fix them. Just try to be there, listen to everything that is bundled up inside them, be more aware of what they are feelings because after time, they might feel like a burden that is tied around you, and if you don't cut the strings that is attached behind you, they will do it themselves. In other word, they will cut you off or pushed you away and it is very common on depressed people, but you ought to know is don't leave and say, "you cut me off, I try to help you so now I don't care, I'm just gonna leave you." Don't. Just try to be there, and if they push you away, just stay there with them. Try to support them. Because they may not want it, but they need it.

I know that depression seems like very easy to understand, but when it comes to people, it may become very complicated, because you may have tried your best to help them but they don't seem to get any better. But please do understand that depression is not the same as feeling sad or upset, and you cannot just easily get over it, and saying they should just "get over it" won't help as well. We all are fighting with our demons, but it is not so easy to fight it when the one that tries to fight it is the demon itself, whom wanting to stay in there forever. A gentle reminder as well for you who are feeling depressed, I am here, your friends and family are there for you, if you need help or needed anything, all you have to do is say it, you sometimes forget to ask for it. If you don't feel comfortable talking with your family or close friends, then talk to stranger. Sometimes it does help. Just try to fight the demon inside you. All I'm asking is for you to just try, because someone will miss you, because for the love of god, you are a human being, of course someone will miss your absence, because you are matter no matter what the voice inside your head tell you. Because, look at me. I am here. I am still here feeling better, feeling almost content, if I'm not at least I'm feeling blessed, because I fought the demons inside of me. I still do feel they are still there, waiting to come out someday, but at least, I did try my best to imprison them as long as I can. I keep on reminding myself that I am matter because with that demon inside me, I get to help others who have their own demon and help them or simply try to support them while they're fighting with their own demon. It may take awhile, and awhile maybe a very long time but you just have to be patience because the day will come when you heal yourself. If not, I know you're tired, but just keep fighting it off.

Its okay to feel depressed, sometimes you have no control over it, but try just to kill the demon. You are loved, you just have to.. try..

Wednesday, August 6, 2014


Its hard sometimes to understand silence someone created. You wish you could just get into their head without asking, "What's wrong?" or ask them to tell you what is on their mind. But some people find it very hard to talk about their feelings all the time, its hard to get out of their comfort zone.

Yes, they say that action speaks louder than words. But sometimes you need words to understand silence, so we won't misinterpret the silence between. Because you can feel so much but show it too little. So sometimes, you just need to balance them both.

All your life, you may have learned to suffer in silence, but you don't have to. Because there come a time when you finally met that one person, who will always be there for you no matter what, and try so hard to understand you, but not fix you, simply just try to be there so you can heal yourself, is the time where you don't have to suffer in silence and where you don't have to suffer alone. Trust me, that person wouldn't mind. Sometimes you just have to learn to let people in and open up a little bit. Sometimes you need to speak up, you need to say your feelings out loud.

Not everyone will see you as a burden if you talk about your problems or your feelings all the time. But if you don't try anything to fix it or listen to someones' advices but you keep on complaining about it then yes, they will probably see you as a burden they don't have to carry around, so they will eventually leaves. But not everyone is like that. Have faith. Trust me, I have been going through an emotional roller coaster these last couple of weeks. From feeling cynical about love to being exaltedly happy, then full of doubts about so many things, then pissed.. until finally, I feel blessed.

So many things has happened, but if you believe that everything's going to be fine, it will be. I was so tired believing and acting like I'm okay and I am happy, but then I decided, things will work out the way they supposed to, the bad news is- nothing lasts forever. But the good news is- nothing lasts forever. So if you're struggling right now, and bad things are happening to you, don't worry, it won't last. But if you're happy right now, it won't last either, but what you can do is not worry it will end and just enjoy the moment.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, from time to time you need to show and tell someone how you feel, because the worst distance that could happen is caused by misunderstanding and miscommunication. And some people will eventually leaves because they don't understand the silence you're creating. There are still some good people around, and sometimes if you're lucky enough, you will found that person and they won't leave no matter what happen. But again, we need words, not just noise to understand the silence we don't understand. Its scary sometimes, but find someone who will worth the pain, and just let them in and open your heart, because that is when you will heal yourself.

I hope you have a great day, and I feel like the need to thank you, for those of you who keep on reading my blog and find my blog inspiring or just enjoying reading it. So thank you, you guys are awesome x

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Is it over before it even began?

I want to laugh so hard on my face. I want to laugh so hard that I cry.

Yes, I blew it. I think. Its over before it even began. I think.
I don't know what happen. My mind is full of chaos. I was hoping he could give my mind serenity, instead, all he gave me is chaos through his silence.

Why can't he just say what is needed to be said?
At least, say something, I can't handle another day of silence.
So, you really don't want me, do you?
Its for your own good, I guess. You don't want to want me, as I have too many issues. I am too fucked up. You should look for someone who can heal you by just being there for you.
I don't want to stay unless you want me to stay. I won't ask you to enchant me with your sweet, sweet words, unless you want to say it. I don't want you say that you misses me, because I also said the same. I won't ask you to fight for me, unless you want to. As it would mean so much more if only you wish it.
I could stay if you want me to. I could wait until you're ready. I could keep on trying breaking down those walls. If only you want me to.

I will always want to touch your skin, your soul, and your mind. I will always wants to kiss your lips. I will always want to feel your arm wrap around my body. Due to all of this, is why I have to leave.

I want you. I want all of you; your brokenness, your lonely heart, your troubles, everything. I want more, I want too much of you hence I have to leave. I would love to stay a bit longer, but I don't think I can handle being emotionally destroyed because of wanting you and loving you.

If you see me shed a tear, it only means that I'm happy. I feel happy that I get a chance to ensure my feeling for you is real, and that its not only the thrill of the chase. And realising that I am still capable of giving and feeling love again, is marvellous. It means that there is still chance for me.

So, thank you. Thank you for making me feel again, after the last couple of years all I feel is despair, loneliness, and emptiness. Thank you for making me feel like a child again; making me feel happy. It really is brief, I know that I only feel the tip of it, but still, thank you. As promise, I will always be there for you, no matter what. You may sometimes forgot to ask, but if you need anything, please, just say the word.

P.s. don't be so cynical about love and don't feel so bitter about everything, life truly is have its ups and downs. I'm going to stay, because I would never in the slightest be able to give up on someone that I love, I do get tired of trying, but I will never give up. I really am tired though fighting for you, even though I know you're worth the pain. Even if you don't realised it, I did fought for you for 10 months and I just wish you would fight for me now.

Friday, August 1, 2014


I think I have a very fickle mind.
Yes, just the mind and not the heart as well.

No, I do know and I am sure that I really like this guy. I mean, I had 10 months thinking about so many different out come if anything happen, and now that I know, I am sure I like this guy. But what I don't know is his feeling towards me. We said that we're going to explore each other's feelings, but if the feeling isn't mutual and only one sided, I really do think its best for me to just leave.

To be able to give love and capable of feeling love again, after years all I feel is emptiness, is enough for me. More than enough. So, before I fall too deep into his charm, I think I should just leave. I don't think that I want to be in a hole full of uncertainty. Again. Our relationship change from grey to black & white, into grey again. I need to liberate myself from uncertainty, I love living under my black & white world too much, I refuse to be in the world full of greyness.

I want to stay a bit longer. I really do.
But I don't think he's ready for any of this.
I don't think that he wants to do this at all, actually.
I somehow know, if I stay too long, he'll just go running again and instead of being honest with me about the situation, he'll just disappear again and I would love us to be just friends again if that's what's going to happen.

Is my mind playing tricks on me? Or is it actually trying to liberate me from the unease feeling from being stuck under a situation full of uncertainty?
Or do I still have such trust and commitment issues?
What is it?!

Are you really worth all of this? All my time, all of my pain?

Should I just stay?
Or should I just leave?

What a chaos.
My mind is a chaos and I can't tamed the demon inside it, nor can I embrace it. It is too painful to do anything, but its also painful to do nothing.

I need you to say something.
Say anything.
Show me signs that the feeling is mutual and that you wanted me to stay.

I thought I can handle this, truth is, I can't.
I am in too deep too fast and I think I'm drowning. I need to swim to the shore.