UNCERTAINTY

I think I have a very fickle mind.
Yes, just the mind and not the heart as well.

No, I do know and I am sure that I really like this guy. I mean, I had 10 months thinking about so many different out come if anything happen, and now that I know, I am sure I like this guy. But what I don't know is his feeling towards me. We said that we're going to explore each other's feelings, but if the feeling isn't mutual and only one sided, I really do think its best for me to just leave.

To be able to give love and capable of feeling love again, after years all I feel is emptiness, is enough for me. More than enough. So, before I fall too deep into his charm, I think I should just leave. I don't think that I want to be in a hole full of uncertainty. Again. Our relationship change from grey to black & white, into grey again. I need to liberate myself from uncertainty, I love living under my black & white world too much, I refuse to be in the world full of greyness.

I want to stay a bit longer. I really do.
But I don't think he's ready for any of this.
I don't think that he wants to do this at all, actually.
I somehow know, if I stay too long, he'll just go running again and instead of being honest with me about the situation, he'll just disappear again and I would love us to be just friends again if that's what's going to happen.

Oh..
Is my mind playing tricks on me? Or is it actually trying to liberate me from the unease feeling from being stuck under a situation full of uncertainty?
Or do I still have such trust and commitment issues?
What is it?!

Oh..
Are you really worth all of this? All my time, all of my pain?

Oh..
Should I just stay?
Or should I just leave?

Oh..
What a chaos.
My mind is a chaos and I can't tamed the demon inside it, nor can I embrace it. It is too painful to do anything, but its also painful to do nothing.

Oh..
I need you to say something.
Say anything.
Please.
Show me signs that the feeling is mutual and that you wanted me to stay.

Oh..
I thought I can handle this, truth is, I can't.
I am in too deep too fast and I think I'm drowning. I need to swim to the shore.