If you want a good fortune, what do you do? You work hard, right? You work and work and work. At some point, you might be losing faith in the potentials of your future, so you pray. A lot of the time, if you want to get far, you're more likely to work with somebody and pray together or on your own. Without you realising, today might be that someday. But if you just half-heartedly work for it alone, or let the other person in your team do most of the work while you take a break in the here and there, or mess up the work only then to pray. Today just becomes another day that someday never come. Then you blame someone for it or say to the universe, "oh, I guess its just not meant to be". That's not how it works. You have to consciously choose for your life; be the dreamer and the doer in your life.
As I was writing this, I realised that as always I am also writing this for myself. As always, I'm writing in order to untangled the yarn of my thoughts in order to heal. Becomes my own mind and my own perspective can be my own worse enemy sometimes. Hence why lately I have been reacting to every emotions and states that passes and stays with me. Whether it be love, fear, anger or shame or confusion. There is a suppressed part of me that needs healing, but by reacting to my own fear of the dark and wanting to say on the side of light, I ended up digging my own self further. So, I stayed. I healed the parts of me that I used to fear to heal. To let go of the anger that anchors me and helped me survive. Instead, embracing the opposites of anger and fear, to finally live.
Because how can you receive love and connections, but whenever you bid it, you turn yourself away or against it? I'm not saying you have to trust somebody completely with everything, at least not until they earn it because before that that is not love, that is just stupid. But you cannot show only one part of yourself to someone and not give them a chance to see the whole of you, simply because you do not trust that someone will accept it. Simply because you are afraid of rejection. This is a betrayal of self and of others.
Two questions comes to mind: are our boundaries built from love or fear? Are we putting up boundaries or walls? There is an article that I read that said, "boundaries are made from self-love; anchored in self-worth. They stand firm in the knowledge and conviction of how you will tolerate being treated and what you are willing to do. They define the compromises that you will or will not make. Walls are made from fear. Fear of being hurt or seen. Fear is why we chose to keep the walls, love is the way we bring them down." With boundaries, we learn that it is okay to say "no". But with walls, comes the other part of the important lesson: that sometimes we can find that person or arrived at that someday where it is okay to say yes. Yes to a life you never thought about but want. Yes to a love that you want and possibly need. Yes to yourself and to parts of your self that needs acknowledgement in order for the love and compassion for self to grow; in order for yourself to grow. A lot of the time strength actually comes from the ability to become soft when your body and mind tells you to be hard. If you're bidding for love, you cannot bid without vulnerability; you only ended up bidding with ego and that is a selfish love. Walls protects your heart and brain by resisting to what you yearn for, but you owe it to yourself to take the walls down so you can say yes. Life is waiting not within the prison you build, but the other side of it. This is how we become conscious in building a life we want: by letting go of the dysfunction, of what does not serve us anymore, for something that is better, that will and willing to be better. So, ask yourself this, what happened if you do let go and tear your walls down? But instead of finding hurt, you found love? Would you be courageous enough to find out?
Your story matter. Your story is worth to be heard. Especially by yourself. Act out of love for yourself to know when to say, "yes, it is and you are the person/today is the day that lucky enough to be chosen by me. You are worth it, and today I chose that my story is worth to be heard by you; I trust you with my story. I chose I am worth it that I will consciously build my life, not out of fear but despite of it."
I'm learning to not let the past define who I am anymore. I am learning to not become the victim of my past, or anybody else's. I am taking the first step by choosing to want to have the courage I need to do the work. I don't know how long it would take me to get to other side, all I know is that I will. I am learning to not resist what will arrive and comes for me, but I am learning to become resilient; the strength that will be needed if what I want is not what I need nor what is meant to be but chose to accept it. Learning to draw strength from a softer places in me to be able to accept love that comes from within and outside of me. Learning to draw strength from every parts of me to build a life I deserve, even in times when I don't think I deserve it—especially then. I have learned to be responsible, now comes the time to learn to be accountable.
–C.L.
Sunday, January 19, 2020
Authentic self, how deep would I go?
To love someone and to have that same someone loves you back is the greatest feelings in the world. But along the way, somebody out of the two or both out of the love forgets to treat each other right. We test each other not to see if they would do the right thing, but instead, we test their boundaries and how much they would tolerate if we cross it. We chose to jeopardise the love that was so great and beautiful, for having access to a past love that should have stayed in the past a long time ago.
When you hurt somebody, no matter how long ago you inflicted those pain to them, you don't get to tell them to just "get over it". You can't just say to them, "yes, I admitted to you that I wronged you. I let you humiliate me in front of everyone. But I'm getting sick of you whining about the pain I've caused you, so what if you're still bleeding? I will make you feel that you have to apologise for the pain that I caused you. Because this is long enough." You don't get to say that. In that person's life, for that story and for that pain, you are the villain in their life. It is like breaking a glass then taking a long time to clean it up and doesn't put up signs saying, "watch out for broken glass," then when somebody stepped on it you yelled at them even though they are the one in pain and bleeding. Both person are in pain; one from the guilt of inflicting the pain on the other, one from bleeding because of the pain inflicted on them.
You have no business in dictating how long a person heals from a pain you inflicted. They're not holding grudges because if they do, they will try and inflict the same thing to you. If they do no such thing, then it is not. But then again, we cannot dictate how other people's feels. Both people become the victim of each other's pain and sins. What do yo do in those situation but remove yourself? What else would be the logical thing to heal a relationships between two hearts that is caught up in their own pain and self?
At the end of the day, you cannot control how people feel and think about you. Just like I cannot control in how people would react to a story that I wrote. I can only control in what I wrote, who I wrote, where I wrote it and where I chose to have it. That is a lot of control to have. But the rest is out of my control. However, a voice can only be muted down if we let it. I can only write how a story are or how a person are from my frame of reference. If how I see a story or a person is not how you see it, we can only agree to disagree. If you want me to see you differently, then act and do things differently. It is not my fault that if from my frame of reference you fail to live up to your authentic self.
There is a saying that I often say to others, "what you see is what you get." Because privacy also means transparency. If your privacy harm someone else, that is secrecy. I get to have privacy because I am transparent in who I am; authentic in who I am. My reality becomes the standard you use to predict my potentials. Because if my reality is not as good as my potential, how can you be sure to invest yourself in me? But, I would also tell you that you have the option to not invest in me because I'm not going to invest back in you. This transparency is what allows me to have privacy in life. Because whether it is out of arrogance or not, I have a say and the rights to have a say in who I let into my life and whom I chose to keep. You have to earn a certain rights to reach a certain level of my life. This transparency allows me to invest in you, support you and gamble everything of my life. But this transparency helped me learn my worth and to walk away gracefully from something that does not willing to do the same.
-C.L.
When you hurt somebody, no matter how long ago you inflicted those pain to them, you don't get to tell them to just "get over it". You can't just say to them, "yes, I admitted to you that I wronged you. I let you humiliate me in front of everyone. But I'm getting sick of you whining about the pain I've caused you, so what if you're still bleeding? I will make you feel that you have to apologise for the pain that I caused you. Because this is long enough." You don't get to say that. In that person's life, for that story and for that pain, you are the villain in their life. It is like breaking a glass then taking a long time to clean it up and doesn't put up signs saying, "watch out for broken glass," then when somebody stepped on it you yelled at them even though they are the one in pain and bleeding. Both person are in pain; one from the guilt of inflicting the pain on the other, one from bleeding because of the pain inflicted on them.
You have no business in dictating how long a person heals from a pain you inflicted. They're not holding grudges because if they do, they will try and inflict the same thing to you. If they do no such thing, then it is not. But then again, we cannot dictate how other people's feels. Both people become the victim of each other's pain and sins. What do yo do in those situation but remove yourself? What else would be the logical thing to heal a relationships between two hearts that is caught up in their own pain and self?
At the end of the day, you cannot control how people feel and think about you. Just like I cannot control in how people would react to a story that I wrote. I can only control in what I wrote, who I wrote, where I wrote it and where I chose to have it. That is a lot of control to have. But the rest is out of my control. However, a voice can only be muted down if we let it. I can only write how a story are or how a person are from my frame of reference. If how I see a story or a person is not how you see it, we can only agree to disagree. If you want me to see you differently, then act and do things differently. It is not my fault that if from my frame of reference you fail to live up to your authentic self.
There is a saying that I often say to others, "what you see is what you get." Because privacy also means transparency. If your privacy harm someone else, that is secrecy. I get to have privacy because I am transparent in who I am; authentic in who I am. My reality becomes the standard you use to predict my potentials. Because if my reality is not as good as my potential, how can you be sure to invest yourself in me? But, I would also tell you that you have the option to not invest in me because I'm not going to invest back in you. This transparency is what allows me to have privacy in life. Because whether it is out of arrogance or not, I have a say and the rights to have a say in who I let into my life and whom I chose to keep. You have to earn a certain rights to reach a certain level of my life. This transparency allows me to invest in you, support you and gamble everything of my life. But this transparency helped me learn my worth and to walk away gracefully from something that does not willing to do the same.
-C.L.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)