So many things has happened the last couple of weeks. I'm too confused to know how I feel, I believe this is what they'd call mixed feelings.
A good friend of mine just left for University and I know, I know, its not for forever but its still gonna be a long time from now until I see her again and oh, I finally ended things with that guy. And this time, its for good. I hate separation, I hate goodbyes. But I guess, who doesn't right?
I've realised so many things that I didn't before. I guess I did that constantly these days, every single day. So I guess, I'm growing every single day. Its a either a blessing or a curse, I guess we'll find out soon enough. But yes, I've realised that it was time for me to say my last goodbye to that guy. I was really happy when we started being friends again, how I can finally talk to him without feeling sad because I can feel him being distant. But then the cycle starts again, and I guess I need to do what's best for me and staying with him is definitely isn't the best one. I guess I like him too much but all he wants is probably just sex. And I think he thought that I didn't see through him, through all of his pretenses, I thought I didn't as well, but I did, well I do see through him. I guess I was standing too close to see for what he really is; a fickle immature boy. Still very irresponsible. One day he's here, the next- he could just disappear to God knows where. Maybe he thought I was a burden and he finds me very irritating, but I know what's best for me and saying goodbye is the wisest decision as I'm starting to see him for who he really is. I mean he still is a great person, he was a good friend for me after all, but he probably no longer feel the sparks and it was just lust after all for him. And I can see that it is impossible to fix something or someone who doesn't want to be fixed. I wasn't trying to fix him anyway, but I guess its still a waste of time if he doesn't even want to try.
No need to give me an I-told-you-so because in other word- I guess yeah, I know that he is an asshole after all. But I won't let this turn me bitter. I did change for the better and so many great things has happened to me. Its very hard for me to explain everything and put it into words as my mind is still a chaos and I have no idea when the chaos can finally quiet down and so I can put it into words. I'm so confused about everything. I don't feel sad, I just feel really angry. I can feel the anger within me. I guess that is just a warning how you shouldn't pissed someone off who already did try to do everything for you and make them feel unappreciated, oh especially when they have anger issues. Trust me, anger issues makes it even worse. I can't even cry, I did cried it out but I don't feel relieved at all, its like I need to break someone's neck in order to feel relief. But I'm not THAT crazy, so no I wouldn't do that but that is just how mad I am.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes when you love someone so much that its possible for your love to drive them away and sometimes they don't know what they've got until its gone. Please know that those people doesn't deserve you. I know, I'm also still trying to accept that fact but I guess we just need to remind ourselves that from time to time.
I honestly value honesty and appreciation more than anything. I do know that I can be selfish, I am selfish, I guess its just human nature but I will provide you with honesty if you need it. But if I can't have any of it in a relationship, either be it a friendship or a romantic relationship, I know when enough is enough and when its time for me to walk away and I know that its the wisest decision. And I'm so fucking sure now is the time to walk away from this guy. I did try to fix our friendship for almost a year and he did realised it that there is something off and we do, did, have a problem but he kept on saying, "we're good." Well all I can say is, fuck you, for always making me feel the problem is one sided and he doesn't even say sorry. Just because I let you back in doesn't mean what you did was okay. It wasn't, and I realised that now.
Also, always remember not to try to fix something or someone when you're the one who needs fixing up. And sometimes all we need isn't fixing up but we just need to heal ourselves. And as you may know, you should never force anything; friendship, love, if its meant to be, then it will happen. If things didn't work out, just hope that you did your best to make it work and you give it your all because I think sometimes we waste our words and we don't take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance. As for my good friend, I'm sad that she is leaving but no matter, I'm also happy and excited for her as she'll do amazing things; loyal friend don't forget you no matter what the circumstances, those who leave were never meant to be in your space to begin with.
Life is a bitch, but wrong timing is the mother of the bitch. And sometimes when you love someone but the timing is off, the only thing left to do is wrap your arms around each other one last time and then just.. let go. Because separation and goodbyes are necessary and maybe sometimes distance will remind us how brilliant they are and so will teach us to appreciate its brilliance. Its hard to lose somebody. I spent a lot of time searching for reasons or answers but you can't find what's not there. It just happened. Life is too short to play games. If you love somebody and you want to be with them, then go get them. Deal with the mess later. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. The worst case is that we fell in love, and at some point, the people that we love forget to love us back. And when that happen I guess we just need to stop and focus on the good things. Happiness comes in many forms- in the company of good friends, in the feeling you get when you make someone else's dream come true, or in the promise of hope renewed. Its okay to let yourself be happy because you never know how fleeting that happiness might be..
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