DEPRESSION

Okay, so lets take a moment and Rest In Peace, Robin Williams. To be honest, I'm not like his huge-obsessed-number-one-fan, but I do enjoy his work, I especially love him in Good Will Hunting as I very much like that movie so for that, my condolences.

But this post is not gonna be all about him, more about his mental state.

As you may know that he died of suicide, and it was said that he was depressed. I may not very qualified to talk about psychology as I'm not a psychologist but I did went through depression for a very long time. Now, in my hometown, Indonesia, most people don't think depression is a very serious problems as they are less aware of what it is and have little knowledge about it. For you who see or have seen someone who is or was sad for a very long time, and seem like they cannot do anything else except just being sad, and lose all of their interests on everything they used to love, what you see or saw is someone who is or was going through a depression.

Depression is a very real problem. It is not like being upset or sad, you can't or it is very hard to get out of the loony bin. One good day doesn't make it all okay, just because you see them happy for a day doesn't mean the sun is already shining, the rain is still going on inside, but currently there is just less thunder and it could just be a normal rain instead of a storm.

You may feel annoyed or fixated by this person, because you would probably thought, "get over it man, you put yourself in that hole, you can get out of it easily if you want to. You can't get over it, because you didn't try hard enough."

Now, don't. I need you to stop. Depression is not as easy as that. Trust me, depressed people try so hard not to feel and be depressed. They hated themselves for feeling depressed. They hated themselves. For no apparent reason. But sometimes it is out of their control and sometimes, when you're inside the loony bin, once you get out of it, you can so easily being dragged down to that hole again. Feeling depressed and being sad or overly upset is not the same. I repeat, its not the same. If you have never feel depressed, don't say that you know how it feels, because you don't.

I was depressed for over a year. I try not to show it because I wasn't really aware that I was depressed, as I never feel depressed before, but I did know a little about depression though. I tried to blocked out my grieves on losing my father, so I tried to pull myself together and won't let myself cry, at least not in front of anyone. I would go the bathroom or to my room just to cry. I would act all happy until night come, and I would cry myself to sleep. Then one day I woke up feeling numb. I still miss my father, and I still am grieving, but for some reason, I feel like I no longer think it as a big deal anymore, that I just have to accept that he's gone and crying my eyes out won't bring him back. I started hanging out with my friends again, starts laughing and having fun, but I just don't feel it. I realised it later that I have been faking it.

I remember it so vividly about the night I realised that I was depressed because that night I was lying on my bed and I thought, "I don't see why I should keep on going with my life. There is no use, no one's going to miss me anyway. Maybe I should just end... everything; all of my pain, my numbness, the chaos inside me, everything."

I know that the worst stage you can be in when you're depressed is when you have suicidal thoughts, and so I snap out of it as soon as I can and I started reading books about depression just to have a better understanding about it and I also find out how to cure it. It doesn't tell how it occur to you, but it does help me.

That was when I was still living in England. When I got back to Indonesia, I was so aware that I was numb and depressed. I was depressed on my birthday (For God's sake. I know right!), actually it was the whole week after my birthday. Then that is when I try to change.. my lifestyle or whatever it is. I did what I felt like necessary at the time; I cut people off out of my life. Only a few people get to talk to me and actually see me. I try to find the cause of the problems. Then, since I can't find the cause, I try to find the solution to it. But I realised I can't get the solution that I really want, the one that can make me feel happy, really happy. And so I try to find another solution to my problems. I found it and I use it and I finally here. I get to the point where I realised that I don't have to stay in the dark nor under the light all the time. Because when you find that one person who understands you, at least tries to, they will listen to your problems. They will listen no matter what, and try so hard to make you okay. But for you who does have someone who is going through a depression and try to help them, don't try to fix them. Just try to be there, listen to everything that is bundled up inside them, be more aware of what they are feelings because after time, they might feel like a burden that is tied around you, and if you don't cut the strings that is attached behind you, they will do it themselves. In other word, they will cut you off or pushed you away and it is very common on depressed people, but you ought to know is don't leave and say, "you cut me off, I try to help you so now I don't care, I'm just gonna leave you." Don't. Just try to be there, and if they push you away, just stay there with them. Try to support them. Because they may not want it, but they need it.

I know that depression seems like very easy to understand, but when it comes to people, it may become very complicated, because you may have tried your best to help them but they don't seem to get any better. But please do understand that depression is not the same as feeling sad or upset, and you cannot just easily get over it, and saying they should just "get over it" won't help as well. We all are fighting with our demons, but it is not so easy to fight it when the one that tries to fight it is the demon itself, whom wanting to stay in there forever. A gentle reminder as well for you who are feeling depressed, I am here, your friends and family are there for you, if you need help or needed anything, all you have to do is say it, you sometimes forget to ask for it. If you don't feel comfortable talking with your family or close friends, then talk to stranger. Sometimes it does help. Just try to fight the demon inside you. All I'm asking is for you to just try, because someone will miss you, because for the love of god, you are a human being, of course someone will miss your absence, because you are matter no matter what the voice inside your head tell you. Because, look at me. I am here. I am still here feeling better, feeling almost content, if I'm not at least I'm feeling blessed, because I fought the demons inside of me. I still do feel they are still there, waiting to come out someday, but at least, I did try my best to imprison them as long as I can. I keep on reminding myself that I am matter because with that demon inside me, I get to help others who have their own demon and help them or simply try to support them while they're fighting with their own demon. It may take awhile, and awhile maybe a very long time but you just have to be patience because the day will come when you heal yourself. If not, I know you're tired, but just keep fighting it off.

Its okay to feel depressed, sometimes you have no control over it, but try just to kill the demon. You are loved, you just have to.. try..