For me, night is always the time when everything come together.
Every thoughts, every feelings, every moments. Everything. At least, most of the time it's like that.
A new year has just began which means new beginning has also began or will soon begins.
Last year, not only I but also my family had gone through so much and I've come to realised that its an endless nightmare, especially for my Mother.
I ended 2014 thinking how stressed out my mother must be feeling. I mean, a single mother who had three children that are still in school who always live and probably used to with living the high life.
At least, for us, in our little Indonesian family, where my other relatives are not very fortunate, I feel like our life are quite luxurious. Every time we want something, we probably will get it. Now, I've to consider everything especially the future every time I want to do something or buy something. In other words, priorities. I need to think what is more important, is it the thing I currently want or something I will want in the future or something that I actually need? I have to change my priorities and I guess that happens when you grow up, right? The consequences I guess.
I know that some of the things that happened to us are probably my Mother's fault, but nobody's perfect, that is all I could say without saying anything bad about her while still speaking the truth.
Honestly, I love her. Of course I do, she's the only parent I have and if it were my Dad, I would use every second of my time spending time with him and show him appreciation and love. I would use it very wisely. Very. So that is why I hope I could be a more understandable person at least for my Mother. I also hope things will work out as they should and all of the hard work that I did will pays off and hopefully, things will get better. I know it seems like a delusional expectation as someone who is very cynical might even think hope is a delusional thing, but I just want to see everyone happy. I want to feel happy. I want to be in that moment where you feel like everything is just right and that you are in the right moment, at the right time. You're just where you're supposed to be, and everything feels right and you know everything will be alright. But yeah, I guess that only happens in movies or books.
Movies and books.
I guess that's why I read so many books and watch so many movies. While my imagination and knowledge and probably also my intellect is growing and expanding, I ended up living a hopeless life due to the too high expectation about job, life and... love.
I expect a man who will stand outside my house with a boom box like the character Lloyd that was played by John Cusack or questioning "why can't I have the Harry to my Sally?" Then wanting a man like the character Charlie in "Letters to Juliet," a man who'll do tiny little thing yet very significant for you, such as going on a date to an observatory where we'd watch the Universe. Very romantic isn't it? But that is just foolish of me, foolish of everyone to expect such a person is still exist in real life. As if it ever even existed. Foolish and rubbish.
I mean, maybe Alain de Bottom is right. Nowadays if you asked whether someone believed in love or not, they'd probably say the didn't when it's not necessarily what they think or truly feel. Its just their way to defend themselves against what they want. Against love. They pretend not to believe in love until they're allowed to believe in it or until the right time comes or the right person comes. Most people would throw away all their cynicism about and on love if the could, the majority, including me, just never get the chance. My therapist told me that, I guess the reason that I don't believe in love especially in the unconditional kind is because I never feel it nor even I see it with my own eyes. All of those things I believe only happens in movies and books.
Is it too cynical though to think this way?
Maybe it is.
I guess if it is I'll just wait for something or someone to change the way I think and feel. The question will be, when?
Yeah, I know. The future could be an unknown, unpredictable bitch sometimes. Making you look like a blithering idiot but maybe it would be worth it, all we have to do is just wait and see. But you know what they say, waiting is always the hardest part.
Before I give my usual advise(s), I want to tell you something.
Do you remember when my posts were so dark and depressing? Yes, I had one of my... episodes. I harmed myself due to the pain that I felt and so I went to a psychiatrist to seek help and as it turn out I have Bipolar Disorder. I may not be the best person to give these kind of advice but I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's a wonderful life, it may not seem or feel like it, but it is and we should cherish every moment of everyday. Invest more of our time on those people that are really matter. While I have the unfortunate conditions where my emotions tend to get out of control, but being and feeling happy really is our choice. To be more optimistic rather than pessimistic is also our choice. To believe that there is such thing as magic in life, and not live a life that is always rational, is also our choice. The choice is ours, because sorrow is how we learn to love and time will help you make sense of everything else.
I'm going to bed.
2015 resolution: none.
Everyday resolution: be better.
No comments:
Post a Comment