Endless Labyrinth

I've been thinking. Thinking endlessly. Torturing myself with my own thoughts. Torturing myself by thinking about the past. The past that will not repeat itself in the present or in the future. Torturing myself with "what ifs".

Death.
Death took his life.
But death also took me.
Death took my soul.
And death, live inside me.
Growing.
It keeps growing.
Emptiness.
Death gave birth to emptiness.
And it lives inside of me.
Letting nothing else get inside of me.
Nothing else except, emptiness and darkness.

A bright soul,
Came over me and letting himself in.
He filled me with a gleam of light,
He brought me paradise.
But then he took the light out of me,
And filled me not only with emptiness and darkness,
But also, Sorrow.

He whom gave me hope,
He whom gave me life,
He whom take the death out of me, has gone.
He left, with no goodbyes.
And in the still darkness, I stood.

One minute I'm standing on the solid ground, the next- I'm not.
One minute everything exists, the next- everything is lost.

I'm attached to my thoughts. I realised that I wanted to keep thinking because I felt like I was creating solutions, like I was somehow making mental progress. If I took a break to clear my head, I thought, I might miss out on discovering something useful.

What a misguided notion. While there's something to be said for thinking things through, sometimes its far more useful to let everything go, create some space and then see what ideas and feelings emerge in that new place of clarity and stillness.

But that is the thing. How can I go to that place of clarity and stillness, when I can't let go? When I'm still stuck in the past?  When I still want to re-living all the happy moments in the past. How, when, where, what, who.

I'm waiting for all of my unanswered questions to be answered. By anyone. By you.
Those unanswered questions all are simple questions. But no one can answer it but you.
You used to have all the answers. And you still have, but you just stood there, saying nothing.

If I said or doing something wrong, tell me how I can make it all okay, again.
Do you miss me, as much as I miss you?
Do you think about me, as much as I think about you?
We used to be closer than this, is it something you miss?
What have you done with the one that I love?
Where did he go?
Would you wait for me?
Would you convince me that this feeling that I'm feeling is what I think it is?
If the thing between us is love, can we try once more?

You mean that much to me that it hard to show you what I'm feeling. I want to tell you everything, 'cause it hurts to hold on to these feelings. After all that we had and after all that we've been through, I always thought it was sad, if we have to act like strangers. So tell me, how can I make it all okay again? 'Cause I'm tired. Tired of trying. Tired of missing someone who doesn't exist, anymore.

If this is a love letter, I can only wonder, if you get my letter or did you throw it away or will you write back or are you just only going to read it and place it where you can read it again until you are ready to write it back? And again, I can only wonder.