Saturday, December 28, 2013

"The Why." ..Well its still just a hunch.

After thinking it through, now I get it. I get the why. I think. I guess.

Well, its not like I could ask the person why we stopped talking or why he acting out weirdly, and why there is this tension between us that is just in the way of our good friendship. So yeah its just a hunch.

After I narrowed it down, there are a lot of reasons why this is happening:
  1. He stopped talking to me (well, we still talking, but there is just something between us. Its just different) because he thinks that I wasn't being serious (well, that kinda true. I mean come on! I wasn't ready for that, duh) 
  2. He's the one who wasn't ready. I mean, he did just came out of a long serious relationship. 
  3. He thinks that I was starting to like him for real (I'm not sure either if I actually starting to like him or its just that because he was my best friend so I feel like there was just something missing.. you know), so he's trying distancing himself because he doesn't want to ruin our friendship. (duh, you did that as well anyway by distancing yourself, if that's the reason why)
  4. He's still hung up with his ex.
Yeah, I know I sounded like one of those crazy girl. Its just that I always have the need to know the reason behind everything so I got fed up with all the unanswered questions, and that just what happen inside my head; trying to find the solution to my solution-less problem. 

I know, I know. This is not healthy. That is why I came up with a solution; the one without me have to ask him what do I have to say or do to make it all okay again. And the solution is I have to let it go. Yeah, right. Letting it ALL go. This time of year always making me thinking about the thing or a person maybe that I dislike or don't really like that much or someone or something that I like, or love so much but have to let them go for my own good. And when there is no solution to MY own problem, I get trapped in the probwithnosol-cycle: 
  • first - I get all nuts and fed up about it. second - I try to came up with a solution but no luck. third - trying to distract myself with anything. fourth - I put myself in a really dark place. fifth - I try again to find the solution but again, no luck. sixth - I realized that all of the things I've been doing to myself is not healthy. seventh - I find the solution: I have to let go. eight - I found the distraction I need and some motivation. ninth - I finally could let go but something still feels wrong. Then I realised that I hated it. I hated feeling that way and I came up with a solution for that and the last step, tenth - which is for me to cowardly escape or run away from it. from everything. But when I finally reach the last step I realised that I hate having no problem so I decided to go back to the place where I tried to escape or run away from, then when I'm stuck in a problem with no solution, we go back to the first step. And i'll probably keep doing that until I ruin myself mentally and physically. 
Frustrating or just annoying? I'll go with both. And probably, depressing as well. But that's okay, I realised as well that sometimes, the people in our lives are not supposed to be in our future. So we have to let them go in the past or in the present so they got left behind, and becoming our past. And its for our own good. I think. 

I wrote it on my askfm that, they said in order to move forward, you have to let go. 'Cause it is not as hard as holding on to something that wasn't real. That someone you really love, the one you always miss, he/she is not exist anymore. But the hardest thing about letting go is that it makes it more real. You know that if you let them go, you might/could never come back. To them, for them, for their sweetness, for the feelings, everything. And its true that you can't keep running after yesterday but again, its easier to be said than done. 

Its true. It is easier to be said than done. But just like what I wrote on my last post, you will and can always find a way, for everything. And letting go is one of it. I will and can always find a way to let all of this go if I want to. And its time to let it all go. So..

You know who you are, goodbye and thank you for everything. I know things got a bit messed up, I know we both probably ruined our friendship, intentionally or unintentionally, but still, I told you I'm here for you, no matter what happen. But I can't keep torturing myself, so I think the thing between us, whatever it is you want to called it, is over, for now. But when you finally ready to let your pride go and make a mans, and try to make it all okay so we can be friends like we used to be, you know where to find me. 



Oh, and yeah, I'm totally watching Jamie Cullum in Jakarta. So, yeay! 
Anywayyy, have a great weekend guys! 
Cynthia Clara,
XXX

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