GRATEFUL.......??!

I've been trying to write something for the last 12 hours. I've been trying to put the chaos in my mind into writings and there are two unpublished post on my blog's draft. So I try not to force it and I've been reading and writing some poems and watching movies to find some inspiration and at least to put my brain on ease for awhile. Then after all the inspiration hunt, I realised something.

I realised that the reason I'm stuck and keep on watching and staring my computer screen for hours is that I have nothing to write about. Nothing. and that is just.. surprising. I've also realised the reason I have nothing to write is because I'm too uptight. I no longer having the kind of fun my age supposed to have and I no longer have to break any kind of rule. The only thing I'm scared of is my future and even my mother seems less and less scarier. I've also realised that what a fucking bullshit all of my posts about love are. I mean, come on. We all know the reason why I hold on to that is because I feel so fucking lonely that I just had to make myself believed it was love, and so that I can write tons of bullshit poems about how broken I am. I am too uptight that I don't let myself even feel anything. Or do I feel too much and that making me into believing I feel nothing? I have no idea. I have no clue what is going on, especially inside my head. Nothing makes sense. Its like my brain is trying to find an exit door out of my brain. Its like my brain is trying to find a new brain to replace the old one. I've also just realised that I keep on saying I'm going get out there when the time is come. But that time is supposed to be right now, but why is it so hard for me to just get out there and make some memories? Why is it so hard to just.. let go and have some fun? I mean, I do have fun, but I haven't feel that kind of fun where I could feel so many dopamine that are being released in my brain, in such a long time. I guess I'm that lonely. So lonely that I have to love the thought of loving someone. Just the thought of it and make myself feel the pain of some bullshit creation that I, myself, make.

I guess that is also why I read so many books and try to read more books and watch so many movies; because I'm a big fat bullshit. I am not wise, I'm far from being wise. I am not mature, I just thought I am. I'm just a bloody messed up, selfish, bastard that think I'm this smart and wise kind of person. All I have is my pandemonium mind that likes to manifest a delusional concept and think it all going to come true and I'll have everything that I want and just like that, I'm happy.

Just like I said, delusional and foolish concept.

I mean, face it, I'm no talented writer and I haven't been out and having much fun lately. All I did is trying to let the words in my brain run through my veins and into my hands and put it into a piece of paper or let my fingers run through the keyboards.

Anybody can understand me through my writing and what they need to understand that, its true I may be need somebody to be my inspiration, but just to be clear, I don't "need" anyone. At least most of the time I don't. I may have one lonely hearts but my soul is fucking tough, and I know that. I have to belief that at least I am. And maybe I have been standing too close the big picture that everything seem to look like Monet. And maybe I do need to get out some more and get real experience. Whatever that is mean anyway. But maybe I should just feel grateful for what I have now, for what I feel right now and I should feel most grateful for having great friends besides and around me. Maybe, I should feel grateful about myself. I may be in the biggest and greatest battle with my mind, my body, and my soul, but I will let the pain that I'm experiencing help me understand others better. I will let the love that I feel, help me to become a better person and show me that the sun will come out eventually. It doesn't have to be cloudy all of the time. And I will use my so little wisdom that I have in me to comfort others and show them clarity and hopefully it will show me some clarity too. The point is I will not a single person let me down and control me. Its a part of growing up isn't it? you lose some friends and then you move on? I mean, there comes a point in life where you need to realise that not everyone are meant to be in your life, and when someone doesn't even want to be in it anymore, you shouldn't cling on to that person and just let it go. So despite all of my fickleness, confusion, sadness, affection and anger, I'm grateful for everything and I will use my so little experience on life as a reminder that I need to experience more real things. I will use it all and so it will help me grow.






I truly am exhausted and I was going to write some more and read it again if everything that I wrote make sense before I publish it but I'm just too tired.