UNDERSTANDING

Its very tiring sometimes to constantly putting my feet in someone else's shoes. I sometimes wish I can put a stop on that but even when I choose to just look the other way I still do that constantly and unintentionally. That is just how I understand others. That is just my way on understanding others.

My heart is feeling so sore from all the anger, sadness and loneliness that others feels. Scratch that. From all the anger, sadness and loneliness that others and I feels. And sadly, I fell victim to an artist's belief that depression is your best creator. I am so afraid to let it go. I am so afraid that without my dark side, I cannot write wholly. I am so afraid not feeling the soreness of my heart and I am so afraid the chaos of my mind fades away and turns into silence, when that is all I want. At least for once in awhile.

For the last couple of months (maybe years) I've been searching for inner wisdom within me. I keep on searching for that inner wisdom that can answer all of the questions inside my pandemonium mind. I want to grow, I want to be a better person than I am today. I want to have control over my feelings and not let it control me. I want to find peace within me. Help me find it.

But really, I do think I need to make peace with what I have. Especially making peace with the gift that I have and see it more as a gift than a burden, so it won't control me. I want to make peace with my tortured soul and my lonely heart. I want to feel solitude and gratitude.

Maybe I'm standing too close to the big picture that the picture gets too blurry for me to see that I have to guess what it is. Maybe I need to take a step back to understand. I need to take a step back so I can understand others and most importantly, myself.

"Humans beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they're finished. The person you are right now is as transient, as fleeting and as temporary as all the people you're ever been. The one constant in out lives is change." -- Daniel Gilbert