Now I just realised that I have no recollection of real love. Love that I have for someone in a romantic way.
I don't want to blame anyone for the pain that I have and for the very little faith that I have for love, it is indeed my own choice to decide whether I want to feel the pain or not and whether I want to be optimistic towards love all the time or not.
I realised that every time I liked someone, I ran.
So I never got the chance to explore any of my feelings for that special someone. And by the time that I think I have feelings for that someone, it was too late. But then it made me realised that, there is a thin line of loving someone or liking someone, or simply just loving or liking the thought of them or loving or liking the thought of loving that someone. Its a very thin line, and I'm standing right in the middle.
I made a choice for myself a long time ago and decided that relationships are too messy for someone like me. I need it and I seek it, but in the end, I know that I'm asking too much for the other person to save my fragile heart and my broken soul with their love. So, I ran. And I hide. And I lied to myself. Keep telling the world I'm no good for anyone. All I want to do was to fix everyone, yet, I can't even fix myself. My own lies imprison my soul, creating a ball of loneliness inside of me. Sometimes though I wonder, whether I'm a broken soul or just doomed. Again, its a very thin line and I'm standing right in the middle.
But what I learned is that, if you really want to feel and have that transcendent kind of love, you have to give and risk it all. If you risk big, the result will probably going to be big as well. And my friend said that, "Love is like a ball of good thing, happy thing. And when you meet it with pride, it won't get you anywhere. So yes, you have to put aside your pride, in order to gain something bigger."
You can decide whether you want to venture out of fear and feel the sun on your skin or you simply don't. No more mind games.
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