YOU CAN'T HATE YOURSELF INTO LOVING YOURSELF

"I am not good enough"

At this moment, there are 7.3 billion people in the world and I'm probably not the only that ever feels like I'm not good enough because its such a simple sentence but carry such a powerful yet painful meaning and not a lot of people are brave enough to actually admit that out loud.

I mean, how can you really admit that kind of feeling to someone? How can you tell someone that you always have this nagging feeling where you don't belong? Wherever you go, whoever you were with, you simply don't feel like you fit in. How can you make someone understand that you're carrying hell within? How can you make someone understand that you've also been carrying somebody else's hell within?

Its hard and painful to always keep asking and wanting for affirmation that you're good enough. For affirmation that they still love you even though they show and give different kind of love to someone else. For affirmation that you're worthy.

Because its a heavy burden you never ask for and yet you keep pushing people away because of it and you can't help what you're doing. Its easier to isolate yourself and not letting the world touch you. Its easier to think and say that you don't need anyone and that you're happier by yourself because no one can hurt you, because you've hurt yourself enough on your own. And its hard when you lose somebody, but its even harder when you keep losing pieces of yourself. You want to be better. You keep trying to fix yourself so that you can be good enough for someone but you will somehow never be good enough and you keep trying and you keep breaking, trying to find the missing pieces.

You'll hear yourself saying, "enough is enough."
You hear it so much that you know its a lie.

You'll keep trying.
Stuck in the vicious cycle of trying to be good enough.
Stuck in the vicious cycle of kindness.
Stuck being the fixer.

Then you'll spent a lot of time searching for reasons and answers.
Maybe you and I will find it someday, but for now all I can say is that:
you can't find what isn't there.

p.s. I draft this post after I published it a couple of months ago, but now I'm publishing it again.