MIDNIGHT THOUGHT

2am.
I was just studying biology (still am, actually. Mind you) while watching Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, then a realisation came to me:


I live profoundly through words. I hid myself behind words. I find a complete and utter joy, comfort, sadness, basically all emotions in words.

I can be blunt and sarcastic, sometimes it reaches to a point where its just rude. 80% of the time that is me. Its basically the basic building blocks of me.

I feel like I push people away so often that its remarkable really how I actually still have someone. A Lot of someone. Then it made me realised something: those people must actually, genuinely love me. Whenever I get disconnected, angry, annoyed, or whatever mood struck me, it most of the time, if not always, end with me stop connecting to them; I simply cut them off. But most of the people that in my life are still here. They haven't left or they came back if they did or feel like they did at some point in my life.

Though it genuinely surprise me how I still have so many people in my life that hasn't left even with all the annoying, blunt, sarcastic, and rude remarks I always makes. I feel deeply touched by it. And I feel that I don't show them enough love and don't appreciate them as much as I should. I just hope they feel the way that I feel about them; loved and appreciated.

So through words not only I found comfort, but I also give one with it. And its exhilarating. Sometimes I didn't know how much it effects someone, but apparently it does a great deal. I seem to have a knack for saying the right thing at the right time. Most of the time, at least.


My best friend once said, "you're a bright kid. God knows you'll do great despite all your madness! 'Cause most of the time, you do have to be mad to survive life! AND ONLY THE MADDEST PEOPLE DO. 

I understand being tired, but sometimes I wonder why you always feel like shit 'cause truthfully, you're way better than most of the people I've met and that's definitely nothing to be insecure about. I mean, you've gone through a lot but you survived!!! and that's basically justifies your worth. 

If only you can see how great you are."


I honestly never think for a second that I could be as great as how she'd describe me or as the way she sees me. I could never believe those words. I always feel less. But I guess that is just how it is; we're always so caught up with our somber thoughts, it caught us by surprise when someone love you, or when someone think you're more than enough. It honestly, and genuinely brings me to tears at how much these people that I'm closed with care so much and how they love with no fear, or when they're scared to death to give or trust some pieces of themselves to someone, but they still do it anyway: they still love. Hard.

So its only fitting if this post is dedicated to those that showed me how great I am or how much they love me. Or how they actually tolerate and appreciate my quirks, and my witty, blunt and sometimes rude, remarks. And how I realised that, even if you push people away, as long as you don't push them too far, they will always come back and sometimes, they actually stayed and won't leave just because you push them away or being distant and so disconnected.

Because just because most people show love differently than you, doesn't mean its not there. If you love them, you should always appreciate their presence and/or solely because they are them.

From them, I found love so great, it gives me the strength I needed when I'm down, also when I was way high up. They don't let my fire go out, the spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and not-at-all. They won't let the hero in my soul perish in lonely frustration for the life I deserved and have never been able to reach. The world I desire can be won. They believe it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is mine. Because they will stand by my side until I reach that world, until I am in that world. Even if I have reach that world, they might even decided to stay. To never leave. Because that is how much love they hold in them for me.

Because not everybody will leave.
Because I have to believe. I believe that at least someone will stay.
Because love is bigger and so much better than what we always see these days. It has to be.
And it will be.



Yours truly,
Cynthia Law.