Thought of him

Like Jeff Buckley said, "And maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong. But tonight you're on my mind so you never know." 

Sometimes I just want to say it out loud. I just want to say all the voices inside my head out loud. I want to say it. To him. I want to tell him. I want to tell him how much I miss him. I want to tell him how much it hurts. How missing him hurt so much. I want him to hold me. Holding me so tight I couldn't breath. But I know that he's there. I know that he'll stay. 

But I was too scared to ask him to stay. I was too scared of getting hurt. I was too afraid of the idea of falling in love. I was too afraid of the idea of love itself. Too afraid I will mess it all up just by accepting and admitting that I have feelings for him, when I don't even know if it was real or was it really just a feeling. He mean so much to me, I wouldn't try anything to ruin our friendship. 

But it was ruined, anyway. 

And its just like what Milan Kundera wrote in her book, "Their love story stopped before it could start. She still felt regret over it, a wound that never healed."

If I have another chance, I would do it differently. How I would ask him to stay, to do whatever it takes to keep him. To do whatever it takes to spend more time with him. When being offer a second chance, I would grab it right away. Taking risks. On love. 

I never know why I'm no good at being in a relationship. I always want to be in one, but when I am, I just messed it all up. Sometimes I just messed it up, just because there is no complication, thinking "this must be a trick." Its like I'm so scared of being committed and so scared if I feel happy, even just for a little while, something bad will happen. I know that sometimes, I pushed people away. But there seems to be no one cared enough to even stay and wait.. I guess they got tired of waiting. 

But I don't know. There are just things that you have no answer to. Love is one of them. 

Do you always wonder though what you will do if you got a second chance? And what will you do if you got the chance to tell someone that you like or you love without them judging or makes you feel rejected or embarrassed? Will you say it? Will you tell them everything? 

I will. 

I will pour my heart out and tell him everything. Not to let him know that I have deep affection towards him, not so he thinks I have the desire to make him mine, but for me. Just for me. I'm taking risk on love for me. 

I will tell him how I find it sweet when he texted me out of the blue, telling me that he misses me. How I try so hard to suppressed my feelings for him. Hence every time we met I act awkwardly and say things in a mean and sarcastic way to him, because I try so hard not to show any romantic gesture towards him and even though I know those butterflies inside me are real. I will tell him how much he meant to me. 

I may not show it how I felt, in the right way or at the right time, but the feelings were there. Are there. But I guess feeling it and showing it, is different. And when you love someone and not showing it to them, they got the assumption you don't love them as much. 

And I might gave him space, to grow, to feel. But doesn't mean that I let him go just like that. I still hold on to the thought of us as good friends. Holding on to the thought of him as the sweet and understanding person. Holding onto our memories. Its not much, but its all I have left of him. All I have left of you. 

But I sometimes wonder..

Do I really love him or is it really just the thought of him? 

The thought of loving him?