Saturday, May 10, 2014

Epiphany

I just had epiphany. About love. About him.

So you know how I said that I took the first step of taking risk on love? Yea, it didn't went so well. Turns out I feel less and less good about love. I keep thinking maybe I'm not one those girls who can just have boyfriend all the time. Maybe its true that I have zero luck on love. Maybe its all true. But the hell with what I feel about love. I know that I should believe in love, like I believe that I can do my finals. But its so hard when I can't even prove it myself that I can still feel the kind of love that making me feel like the time is stop moving. 'Cause love is a two way street, so it means that if I'm the only person who feel the love, then I'm totally screwed.

I lose hope on love. For someone who is so young and already lose hope on love is like a 5 year old kid who doesn't believe in magic or fairies. Its sad.

I wish I can read mind so I don't have to ask people what they're thinking. I don't have to ask them if there is something they wish to tell me, 'cause I already know. (M.O.R.S!!!!!) I am an HSPs; High Sensitive Person. But not the kind of person who annoyed or sensitive over something very insignificant. Its like someone who was the ability of empath, but HSP doesn't quite feel things the way a person who is an empath feel. So sometimes I know what others feel, since we HSPs are more observant towards the tiny things around us, but since people that are around me are usually unhappy and I think I'm more connected to my pain sensor (I have no idea what I'm talking about here) so I guess I noticed a lot of pain around me, and less happiness (but yes I do feel happy, eventhough its someone else's feelings). So I think that is why sometimes I try to block out my feelings, but mostly maybe because I get all the vibe from somebody else's. I don't know, I'm no expert, that is just how I felt.

Anyway, so its not really possible for me to know what others think or feeling specifically, which makes it worse.

Ok, go back to the main topic; yes, I tell that someone about my feelings, which is terrifying but I felt good and bad at the same time after.

I told him I miss him, but all I get was a "what's up?" and all of my texts were just read and ignored. Ouch. That hurts men. Then I got really angry, 'cause he's my friend, but its been really weird between us and I don't really know what happen exactly since I can't actually read mind, so he needs to talk instead of running away, but he still running and I'm too tired to catch up, but its like he put a string around me, so even though I don't want to catch up with him, when he runs, I still get dragged anyway.

But then I realized something; I can't expect someone to be just like me. I can't expect anyone to realized their flaws and pointing it out to themselves, so they can change the way they act. I can't expect anyone to feel anything that I'm feeling. I can't expect anyone to say something that I want them to say. 'Cause that is not how it works. At least he didn't say he misses me back because I cornered him. Means that the next time if he ever say that he miss me, it will be sincere. So the next time he talk about his feelings (if it will ever happen) means that its sincere and its the truth. Isn't that what I expect to get from someone? So why did I get so angry about something like?

Sometimes, I wish that he reads my blog so he knows what I'm feeling. To know that I'm always late feeling and showing my feelings towards someone. To know that I'm not good telling someone how I feel or showing it for that matter. For me, its very hard, hence if you see me act awkwardly means that I care about you or I have feelings for you. I know, I know its not that easy to read between the line, I get it, but I really hope that someone try to. By someone I mean, him. I mean, you.

You know, all I need is a sign, just one sign telling me that there is still hope and not letting me feeling this way while he still hung up about his ex ('cause that would be worse than horrible). 'Cause I miss him and I think I'm ready. I'm ready to take that risk.

Just.. show me something.

No comments: