The Mess I'm In

"How did I got here from there?"

The question I ask to myself so many times when I have no fucking clue where to go next. When things becomes blurry and even the question becomes blurry.

Asking for help doesn't work either, so where do I go next? How the hell did I even got here in the first place? How come everything is so messed up? Where did I do wrong? Where did someone do something wrong?

How the hell things got so complicated and I don't even remember making it that way? And why the hell there is no solution to this mess?

But the most frequent question that I ask every day is, why and how.

Why on Earth did you do that?
How on Earth could you be this stupid?
Why did you have to ruin everything?!

Its so easy to blame someone for the mess that you have in your life, but what if the mess in your life comes from someone else? Is it fair to blame them?

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She did it again.

My mum is a mess. She got so many shits in her life that I don't want to know and don't even want to care. But perfect timing, my mum just drop a huge shit on my fucking lap. I mean, come on! I have exam in like three days, I need peace not a fucking chaos. I know it sound selfish, but I don't care anymore, I'm just so tired getting asked to care or at least pretend to, when I never ask anyone to take care of me or ask someone to care so much about me they want to vomit, 'cause I can't seem to pull myself together. Yes, that is how I feel about my mum.

Ok, fine. We lose dad, she's a single parent now, but she put herself in that mess and she kept dragging us along the way. I have my own shits to deal with, deal with your own, Mother. I don't remember ever dragged my mum into my shits when I was a kid, now I'm supposed to care about YOUR shits?

I know that's what family is for, but no. She's just making it hard for me to put everything behind. To put everything she did behind. And everybody wonder why do I have anger issues, especially when I was a kid.

Its so hard to get from where I was to here, but I'm so tired of not saying anything. I'm tired of watching everyone just keep dragging everyone, or well, me, into their shits. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, PEOPLE.  I'm trying so hard to distance myself from bullshits, or those who created it, but they just keep arriving at my front door. I mean, where the hell did they come from, ANYWAY?!

Am I being selfish? Or am I really?