Love is selfish sometimes. Or is it just me?

These last couple of weeks, my life, body and mind feels as if it is filled with so much rage, darkness, and confusion. I could still feel the fire inside of me. Sometimes I could feel that everything is out of control.

Lately, I have been hating all of my writings that is created with prosaic words. All of it has become more or less a love letter of some kind that I write for no one except myself and amidst the frustration in me, instead of coexisting between the words that I wrote, I only created and resurrected pain and confusion into all of those sheets. It created a burning desire in me to burn all of my books of poems.

I can't seem to put my rage into words. I can feel the rage in me, just not in my words. Just not in my poem. It only sounds like pleading. Its pathetic.

Those pages, those sheets, are like a mirror to me and to be frank with you, I don't like what I'm seeing. I don't like what I have become because I have become lang leav when I'd rather be sylvia plath without the suicide part. but I guess, you can't always get what you want, right?

Anyway, life hasn't really been treating me good lately.

Well, I guess that's not true. Its been treating me fairly, but its just the human nature in me to keep complaining and ask for more. For something better.

Because when you finally see things more clearly, but you still don't like what you're seeing, maybe that's because the only thing left to see is you and the reflection of who used to be, or who you are or who you're going to be and you simply don't like what you're seeing.

Because, do you wanna know one of my deepest secret? Sure, you do.

To tell you the truth, I've always wanted to be a poet but I guess at some point in life, it would be nice to also be a poem.

I don't think that anyone ever wrote a poem about me, let alone a book of poem. But what I know is that someone dedicated... (fill in a blank) for me. Its his way of showing that his love is true and real. I took it for granted and now when I looked back at it and see what he wrote about me, about us, I don't like what I'm reading. I don't like it one bit. Do you wanna know why? Because it shows how selfish I was. How I couldn't see that I wasn't the only one hurting.

Wait.

No, that's not true.

I know that the both of us are hurting, I just didn't know we were hurting from the start.

The other worst thing is how I took it all for granted. How I missed my chance and watched him walked away.

But in spite of it all, what he didn't know is that he left a fragment of his love in me, for me. In a way, I could feel it but it feels so far away. No longer within my grasp.

A friend of mine and I was talking yesterday about love and all I could say is that, "no one can yet handle the immensity of my love," and he said, "no boy deserves to handle your idea of love at this moment."

But what is MY idea of love? I don't even know. I never know. I wrote poems about it, I feel it, but I don't really know what my idea of love is. If anyone ask what my idea of love, I'd probably say that love equals trust issues. Because,

Trust issue. 

It has a way of preventing you to feel all the love you can get.

It has a way of taking your source of happiness and turn it into your source of loneliness.

It has a way of taking everything from you.

Because, sometimes it doesn't guard you from the pain you're going to endure, it only guard you from the love you deserve and the love the people around you deserve to receive from you.

But love could left you feeling all bitter inside.

Especially when life finally gave you the love that you deserve but at the worst time possible.

Especially when you have so much love inside you but no one to give. Its like love that doesn't have a place to go.

Because "he loves me but its like he wishes that I ache the way he ache so he could forgive me" is actually a form of love.

So yes, love equals trust issue. 

God.

See! even my blog post is about love.

And I fucking hate that word.

Love.

What is that even mean?

Love is a dark and vicious thing. It could destroy you in a second. It shows you your true self. But when you see that your true self isn't as kind, gentle and as good as you expected, its like love just spit on your face.

And sometimes, you just can't get the things you needed the most.

Because sometimes, I can't find the right words to explain myself.

And because when I finally do, it doesn't matter anymore.

My mind, body and heart are sore and choking at the strong wanting but never having.

And I wrote myself a love letter because no one can reach the deepest part of my darkest thoughts, except me and I think that's okay.

I'll keep myself warm before getting burn by your flame.

Whoever you are. 

I WAS ONCE A FOOLISH GIRL AND I STILL AM THAT FOOLISH GIRL

Some people have it easy. I used to have it easy as well. Everything that I wanted, I have it in second, all I have to do is just ask or maybe came up with a legitimate reasons why I should have it then I'll probably get it. Not so much anymore.

Everything seem to be getting worse and worse and I no longer know what to do. I know that life is not fair and I know its not supposed to be easy, but I didn't know that it would be this hard. I just wanna walk away from everything. But what is the point of having the choice to walk away but having nowhere to go? I keep wishing that one of these days, things will finally looking up. Things will get better, even just a little and it will last a little longer than it usually do. I keep wishing and wishing but it never did. All I asked was a minute, but all I get is a second.

Do you know the saying that say 'the world doesn't owe you anything'? I know that the world doesn't owe me anything, but is it really too much to ask to make things just a little easier? Just relieve the pain a little. Is it too much to ask to not let it all suffocate me?

When I was a kid, I kept wishing that I'll finish school as soon as possible and so that I can get out of this house. What I meant by this house is my family. So that I can distance myself from them and be a grown up and all that bullshit. But I guess that's why they all keep saying, 'be careful what you wish for.' Because being a grown up, being an adult means responsibility. Because adulthood, responsibility and all that is like riding a bike. At first, you think you can handle it because you didn't really do it by yourself, someone is still guiding you. Someone is still doing it for you. Someone is still pushing you and holding the bike so you won't fell off. But then, when they let go, you're riding the bike by yourself. You either fall or you ride it right away. In my case, I fucking fell and hit my face. There are bruises everywhere, and I'm still trying to ride the bike without falling off but I still can't do it and I don't even know when I finally can. No one is holding the bike anymore and everytime I fell, they all just watch and think I'm okay because I fell a thousand times before. But do you wanna know the truth? It would be nice to have someone holding the bike again or even show you what you did wrong or just mend the wound once in awhile, because truth be told, I'm not okay and I have this heaviness in my chest that I always have to carry with me. No one can feel it because no one can see it and so no one really knows about it. I wish when I finally let go of the pain, don't let me crash again. Because sometimes I don't see a reason why I should get back up when I kept getting knocked down. Because sometimes I don't see a reason why I shouldn't just pack my things and leave even when there is nowhere to go, I mean, anywhere would probably be better than this, right? Because sometimes I can see why people becomes bitter towards life but I can't find a reason why they still holding onto hope. Because sometimes, I'm not okay and no one knows about it and I no longer think that is okay anymore, because that is one of the few worse thing you can do to someone; not to have their pain and suffering recognised as if their pain and suffering isn't worth to be acknowledge. But opening up, and asking for whatever it is that I needed isn't easy and sometimes its easier just to wonder than let it all crashing down on you.

I was a fool for thinking things will get better and I am a fool for thinking it all matters to someone. But sometimes, I don't think its anybody's fault. I mean, who would've guess something looking so fierce on the outside is actually dying on the inside, carrying hell within? Who would've stop and think that happy, cheerful person is also suffering, fighting a storm no one knows about? I was a fool, young and naive and always hopeful and optimistic all the time. Even when shit happened all the time, most of the time, I still am that same fool, not wanting to give up hope. Hope for a better day(s).

KNOW, LISTEN, SEE, AND UNDERSTAND THE STRUGGLES. THEN ACCEPT.

To be honest with you, I don't act or talk as if I know half of the problems that is in our society, at leas I tried not to. Especially when it comes to political issue or anything that isn't related to literature or science, because even in those subject, I still have no clue about most of the issue or the things that are important right now.

I know that I don't usually write about this sort of things but I wanted to write something about the struggles our society are going through as I was inspired by one TED YouTube video and I know I am no writer and I am no journalist as well, so just bare with me here.

Right now, even with all the new inventions and all the discoveries, there seem to be one (of the many) problem that our society struggle with, and that is: acceptance.
We struggle to just listen before we throw some insults and judgments into it and before we started arguing and debating whether the subject that we, or you, are discussing is right, or wrong. We seem to struggle to understand the concept of "Freedom of Speech" (or maybe it is I, that struggled to understand. Your opinion, that is your right to have one.); we seem to struggle to remember that there are also a limitation to this concept because as we all understand, there is always a thin line between everything and a thin line between freedom of speech and hate speech is one of it and we also seem to be struggling to see when we did crossed that line. A similar example for this is that we all know there is a very thin line of being rude and being honest and honestly, I myself used to struggle to understand this and I used struggle to see when I seem to be crossing that line, I sometimes still do.

I say this with great despair, this "issue" happens often especially when it comes to religion. I think it would be easy to blame most problems, if not everything, at religion. And I also think it would also be easy to blame the other half, if not also everything, at society. But what I think important is that, as human beings, we are created with a mind so extraordinary and we are meant to learn new things with it and to evolve. We are able to grow into something, and someone who is even more extraordinary than we already are. And as much as I love to live in a world of black and white, at some point I'll need to come to terms with the "grey" world and I'm not talking about 50 Shades of Grey here. And I'm not here to defend religion as well, I am merely here stating my opinion and you might see it differently or even make a slight change to this view of mine, but I hope that you'll listen before turning it down.

And as the great Indonesian Activist used to say, "Bagiku sendiri politik adalah barang yang paling kotor. Lumpur-lumpur yang kotor. Tapi suatu saat dimana kita tidak dapat menghindari diri lagi, maka terjunlah." In other words, though as much as we hate or dislike politics, it is very essential so no matter how long you avoid it, at some point you'll need to come to terms with it. It is the same with everything else and because we can only agree with or love something passionately and purposefully only when we know it, the subject of the matter in depths. Because we talk so much about change. How this person needs to change this, how this president needs to do this to change this and that. What we keep forgetting is that, we are that person. We can make that change. Because we need to know when our opinion and our "Freedom of Speech" is hurting someone. Because we need to understand, not everyone has the same heart nor mind as you. Because if we (though it is still not everyone) can accept gay marriage and finally accept and begun to stand-up in addressing  inequalities and discrimination faced by women and girls in other words gender equality, we need to be more accepting and more globally aware of other things because ignorance is not a bliss. and I need to point this out, sometimes, it is okay to speak up. Sometimes, we all are encourage to speak up. We are so scared to stand-up and speak up even when it is necessary to do it. So speak your mind, as there will always be assholes wherever you go but that should not discourage you to be nice to others and discourage you from being brave because of those people. Because we are the very foundation of this society and we need to stay on the "table" and change our crippled society. Because its hard to build a straight house on a crooked foundation, and as a person, I know how hard it is to change. Its hard. Its not easy, but doesn't mean its not possible.

You don't have to agree with what I just said, but all I want you to do is know, listen, see and understand the struggles, then accept.

no hate x,

C. L.

SO PISSED OFF, I MAKE YOU A LIST, ASSHOLE.

Some people say that we should always be grateful for what we have and not complaining or focusing on the things that we don't have.

Some people also say that family are the most important thing and be grateful you have one whilst other may not even have a family. But you know what I think? I think sometimes its full of crap. Surrounded by people like them are the most excruciating thing. I don't understand how they expect me to become less damage than I am. or expect me to rebel less. drunk less. smoke less. party less. study more. be smarter. be richer. etc, etc. Are you fucking kidding me? These people are so fucked up they judge you for being one too.

There are things I wish some people would just know;

1. if you come to this particular person often for advise etc, and they listens to you and even help you find the solutions to your problems without even judge you, don't fucking judge them just because they sin differently from you. especially when they tell you the things they might not tell you before. THIS is call trust, if you judge them, you're breaking the trust you guys created. (ISN'T THIS OBVIOUS PEOPLE?! ARE YOU FOR REAL?!) 
2. you can though at a certain point "judge" them, maybe silently, or when it gets too far and you need to intervene.
3. YOU are not MORE SUPERIOR than the rest of us. So don't be a prude or act like you're a saint, because you're not.
4. don't expect people to understand you, when you can't even understand them back. or simply put it, you want to be understood? don't act like a fucking jerk and act all selfish.
5. if you're gloomy or don't like who you are or who you used to be, don't share your negativity to the rest of us just because you can and just because you don't seem to want everybody else feel happy because you're not. You know, "don't feel sorry for yourself. only asshole do that." So just remember if you feel sorry for yourself, you're probably an asshole and in need a serious life make over. Just saying.
6. you can't expect someone to do everything for you, if you want them to do everything for you, hire a maid or secretary or something. I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING MAID. 
7. and if you want to get things done and want them right, DO IT YOURSELF, YOU LAZY ASS.
8. Truly, some people can be so kind, but if you make them hate you and you keep pushing them away, don't asked why its happening and telling God its so unfair when you find yourself all alone.

LOOKING FOR PETSITTER/WALKER? YOU COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE!

ANYONE LIVES IN OXFORDSHIRE, AND IN NEED OF PET SITTER/WALKER PLEASE CONTACT ME. I CHARGE 5-10 GBP AN HOUR, WOULD BE CHEAPER IF YOU CONSIDER ME AS YOUR REGULAR. 

CLICK THE LINK OR EMAIL ME (CYNTHIA_CLARA@WINDOWSLIVE.COM). THANK YOU!

Piss the fuck off

Toxic relationship is hard to keep. But for some reason, it is especially hard to let it go as well when you find that your family is one of the source of this 'toxic'.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to value your family as much as you let say, God. 

For some reason, my family isn't the safe haven I always needed, they sometimes only bringing me down or simply just made things worse.

But the worst thing that could happen would probably if you look up to someone and then they showed you their true colors and its not as colorful as you thought, instead their true colors are as gray and bitter. I hate it when that happens. 

I am physically and mentally tired of being judged and being controlled or be told what to do as its their responsibility to make me their doll. And as if everything that I do is irresponsible. Let me just say, NO. You are not me, you are not responsible for my actions. You can judge my actions but don't dictate what I should do. Just because I sin differently than you, it doesn't mean you should judge me.

I know that not everyone have the same heart as mine nor do they have the same mind as mine, but I sometimes just wish that some people fucking understand how opening up isn't as easy for everyone. How sometimes its nice to know that they could trust someone, but only to be judged afterward is just not a nice feeling. 

So for people out there who are so fucking judgemental, get your ass out of here. I don't need you and your judgy mind and opinions and I totally don't need your negativity nor your approval for the things that I do. I've always been the one that take care of myself, I don't need someone to start doing it for me.
Honestly, piss off mate.

HEAR, -LISTEN TO THE HOWLING SOUND MY SILENCE ARE CREATING

For no apparent reason, though I feel the tiredness in my eyes, I seem to be having trouble sleeping. Once again, I'm probably having one of those nights. 

I can feel the emotions boiling up inside my chest, and tears in the back of my throat. Every inch of my body feel like screaming. My mind keep trying to unzip my skin and so I can crawl out of it, leaving all the unpleasantness behind. All of these brings me back home; I've been having these urges and desires of wanting to feel the cool, warm air while feeling the wind blowing through my hair and feeling the inspirations flowing through me; like a breath of fresh air, while I sit on my bed in my little red bedroom. I closed my eyes and I kept wishing to be back home. Call me naïve, because yes I am seeking for the sparks that can creates magic, in this mundane world. And because back home, I have created a small sparks that creates magic. All I created it for myself, back home, in my small red bedroom. But I have no luck yet creating nor can I find a magic or a spark as strong as the one that I've been creating in my tiny space. 

I can feel my brain hurting, as if wanting to get out of the cranium for a breath of fresh air and never go back inside. 

I can feel there is something, like a gigantic block in my chest. Something heavy. Something that wasn't there. 

Very strange, don't you think, how the chemical in my brain that has went awry (or going to), can caused so much destruction? 

I want to scream so loud even the sky can hear the echo. 

I want to scream so loud even the deepest part of the earth can hear it.

So listen, carefully, to the howling sound my silence are creating. 

So listen, to the point where your ear drums bleeds.

So listen, until you're disconnected from the noise of reality, just you and an abysmal silence. 

Listen and watch me drift away into a long dream, because

I sleep to wash the pain away, only to wake up a couple of days- maybe weeks- maybe months, later finding the pain staring me in the eye, where I am forced to face it instead of trying to make it disappear. 

Strange, isn't it, how something so feisty and strong can be so fragile.