Some people have it easy. I used to have it easy as well. Everything that I wanted, I have it in second, all I have to do is just ask or maybe came up with a legitimate reasons why I should have it then I'll probably get it. Not so much anymore.
Everything seem to be getting worse and worse and I no longer know what to do. I know that life is not fair and I know its not supposed to be easy, but I didn't know that it would be this hard. I just wanna walk away from everything. But what is the point of having the choice to walk away but having nowhere to go? I keep wishing that one of these days, things will finally looking up. Things will get better, even just a little and it will last a little longer than it usually do. I keep wishing and wishing but it never did. All I asked was a minute, but all I get is a second.
Do you know the saying that say 'the world doesn't owe you anything'? I know that the world doesn't owe me anything, but is it really too much to ask to make things just a little easier? Just relieve the pain a little. Is it too much to ask to not let it all suffocate me?
When I was a kid, I kept wishing that I'll finish school as soon as possible and so that I can get out of this house. What I meant by this house is my family. So that I can distance myself from them and be a grown up and all that bullshit. But I guess that's why they all keep saying, 'be careful what you wish for.' Because being a grown up, being an adult means responsibility. Because adulthood, responsibility and all that is like riding a bike. At first, you think you can handle it because you didn't really do it by yourself, someone is still guiding you. Someone is still doing it for you. Someone is still pushing you and holding the bike so you won't fell off. But then, when they let go, you're riding the bike by yourself. You either fall or you ride it right away. In my case, I fucking fell and hit my face. There are bruises everywhere, and I'm still trying to ride the bike without falling off but I still can't do it and I don't even know when I finally can. No one is holding the bike anymore and everytime I fell, they all just watch and think I'm okay because I fell a thousand times before. But do you wanna know the truth? It would be nice to have someone holding the bike again or even show you what you did wrong or just mend the wound once in awhile, because truth be told, I'm not okay and I have this heaviness in my chest that I always have to carry with me. No one can feel it because no one can see it and so no one really knows about it. I wish when I finally let go of the pain, don't let me crash again. Because sometimes I don't see a reason why I should get back up when I kept getting knocked down. Because sometimes I don't see a reason why I shouldn't just pack my things and leave even when there is nowhere to go, I mean, anywhere would probably be better than this, right? Because sometimes I can see why people becomes bitter towards life but I can't find a reason why they still holding onto hope. Because sometimes, I'm not okay and no one knows about it and I no longer think that is okay anymore, because that is one of the few worse thing you can do to someone; not to have their pain and suffering recognised as if their pain and suffering isn't worth to be acknowledge. But opening up, and asking for whatever it is that I needed isn't easy and sometimes its easier just to wonder than let it all crashing down on you.
I was a fool for thinking things will get better and I am a fool for thinking it all matters to someone. But sometimes, I don't think its anybody's fault. I mean, who would've guess something looking so fierce on the outside is actually dying on the inside, carrying hell within? Who would've stop and think that happy, cheerful person is also suffering, fighting a storm no one knows about? I was a fool, young and naive and always hopeful and optimistic all the time. Even when shit happened all the time, most of the time, I still am that same fool, not wanting to give up hope. Hope for a better day(s).
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