I found myself in between the loony-bin and reality as I am not neurotic, just different..

Endless day trying to figure out if there is something wrong with you is awfully dreadful and that dreadfulness turn into relief, when you finally know what's wrong with you.

But then you feel scared at the same time. Scared knowing that there is something wrong with your mind, as you are not defined as "mad" but just.. different.
Then you feel scared and embarrassed telling your loved one what is actually wrong with you. Tired of explaining what is wrong with you. Tired of explaining what is wrong in your head.

A couple of weeks ago, I did something I didn't proud of. I want to tell you what I did, but I'm not ready for the whole world to know. I mean, anyone could find this blog so basically I could say the whole world. But all I can say is that now I'm in therapy once for every 2 weeks and taking meds regularly.

I tried explaining what is wrong with me to my mother, but all I feel was fear. Fear of her finally understand me and I don't need feeling stigmatised as I do not wish for this and I wish it didn't happen to me but it did and I wish that I could recover soon enough and I wouldn't have to be treated for this for the rest of my life. I really do wish that. But when I tried to explain and asked her if she would be fine about going to therapy and taking medication as long as I need to, all she said was, "It will go away."

Don't you think that I didn't wish that too, Mother??! Is it too inconvenient for you for me to have such illness? Is yours all that matter? Its so hurtful to find how insensitive people are.

I really do want to tell you what is going on, but as soon as I'm making any progress, I will share my side of the story. But believe me when I say that I do not seek attention nor I look for sympathy, I am merely here to tell you the story of my boring life.

To tell you the truth, I'm just not ready feeling stigmatised by everyone. But also to make it clear, I do feel grateful towards a lot of things in my life but sometimes the mind, my mind, couldn't help but ricocheting in between the loony-bin and reality. I am not admitting to anything yet, as admitting to everyone is harder than I thought.

I am trying to find my way back, that's all you need to know for now.