Sunday, November 2, 2014

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT

While trying to do my best, I get this feeling that everybody is watching.
They're watching my every move. Wondering, "what she gonna do? What she gonna do? Will she make it?"

Ok. I lied. I'm not trying to do my best, I'm doing what I can. But when everyone seem to watch your every move, while they are watching, expecting great things for you, how will you feel? Probably pressured and anxious.

What am I doing anyway? It feels as if I no longer have a purpose anymore. Does anybody know what the hell they're doing before they reached their destination? Probably not. But seriously, what am I doing? I've been trying to create inner guidance to guide me with every emotional roller coaster that I went through and I have to go through.

Trying so hard to believe that no matter what, I can do this. I know I can, but once I truly believed that I can, I know that if it didn't work out, it will crush me. It will only lead to disappointment. So, how can I go on? Small progress is better than no progress, but I'm no longer want to feel disappointed and self-loath anymore, but how can I go on? Is doing what I can is enough? Is doing whatever it is I'm doing is enough?

"When you hit the books, and the books hit you back." I want to eat someones' brains. Getting really fixated about the whole thing even though I still receive time and space to breathe, but I feel like I just did something I will regret. Why do I have to be so stubborn? I know it ought to happen sooner or later. I know it will. Why didn't I listened?

One of the character in greys anatomy said, "I need something to be good. I need a reason to get up every morning, to not crawl back to that cave." And so yes, I need something to be good. But how can I go on? Sometimes I found that push to go on, but most of the time I don't. What should I do now? Should I go on or pause or just stop? But I'm not a quitter, and I know I should go on, but how? How can someone just keep on going, trying to thrive in situation like this, while having so little faith in the Universe even in themselves?

The answer would probably, "Fake it till you make it and hope for the best."
Success doesn't happen overnight and if you don't believe it will happen, I guess you just need to fake it, keep going and stick with it. I know it will happen. I know it will, I just don't know how. Or when
I know it will hapen, all I have to do is believe and hold a bit longer..

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