RELAX <> DON'T BE MAD <> I CAN FEEL YOUR ANGER

How do you know when you're being rational and when you're being irrational?
How do you know you're being selfish?

Anger is, my worst enemy. So scared of facing the bloody malignant "creature" I get mad towards those who are. Especially those who are towards me.
Or do I just don't want to get the blame for what I did?
Isn't "sorry" enough?
Isn't doing or giving more after saying sorry should be enough?
Isn't being sincere enough?

Can I be completely alone and have a breakdown once more?
Can I be completely alone and have shots of tequila once more?
Can I be completely alone and have a good cry once more?
Can I be completely alone and have the room for myself once more?

THE CATALOGUE OF UNPRETTY MIDNIGHT THOUGHTS

There's an army of unsolicited pain,

There's an army of unsolicited scars,

There's also an army of unsolicited darkness,

They come barging in,

And then there's an ambushed to the heart.

There is a place behind that dusk,

There is a place behind that tree,

There is a place behind that old house,

A place where weary love didn't exist.

There would be time when his voice soothes your aching body,

There would be time when his hands will trace your body like its a goddamn universe,

There would be time when his sweet words leads your heart and mind back home, 

There would be time when his love made you shiver.

But you're a lost stars,

But you're a falling leave,

But you're a broken bones.

The light went out,

And there is nobody,

Nobody's coming,

No one's going to love the hell out of you,

No one's going to kiss you underneath the flickering porch lights.

No one's coming,

And I don't know which one is scarier,

Knowing that you're alone,

Or knowing that you're scared of love,

Of loving,

Of being in love,

Of being loved.

– C.L.

LOVE. SPREAD THAT SHIT AROUND ME. BECAUSE I'M A WHINY BITCH WHEN IT COMES TO GOD.

Do you know what's the worst thing from one night stand?

The worst thing from one night stand isn't realising that you like or have some kind of feelings towards the person you're doing it with, but it is realising that you're lonely as fuck.

My thoughts scares me too often that it feels as if I'd never stop wishing that it would stop for just a minute. Why on the bloody Earth do I have to question about everything and doubt everything?

Sometimes I wish I could just say: "this. this is good enough," more often and just be happy about what I had and have instead of doubting and keep on looking for that something that I lack in life (READ: love, romantic kind). But relationships are messy, too many people will get hurt and sometimes all you want is a one night stand. BUT THEN YOU REALISED, that you're lonely as fuck and all you want and need is for someone to give you the attention you deserve and for you to get that sweet affection you hadn't had for a long time. Yet at the same time, you don't really want to give the same kind of attention to anyone. For some reason, you know you can't, even though you want to. And for some other reason, you don't want anything to do with love because you know you just couldn't handle anymore ambushed to the heart.

God, I just need something good to happen. Something that last a lot longer than the one you usually give.

Life can be hard sometimes, but living inside a bell jar makes it harder and I'm trying my best

About 3 months ago, I decided to get myself some help after having a severe manic and depressive episode. For a couple of days I tried to dealt with everything by myself and dealt it in my own way like I always do yet when I finally ready to tell it to a couple of friends and family members, they said things that is hurtful and as if I was faking how I feel and think as if they knew what I did or knew why I did the things I did.

I am not writing this so you'll pity me, I'm only writing this for those who seem to be genuinely cared about me and to tell them how I really feel or maybe felt and what I really need.



For the last couple of years, I have been feeling what feels like drowning.
What feels like having a demon in my own mind and head and I've been fighting it for as long as I can remember.
I seek a professional so that he can help me find out what really is going on and he did and now I finally know what's wrong, I am accepting it because I am done.
I am not done fighting because I'm still fighting a battle that probably will never end.
But I am done suffering because suffering is optional and I choose to be okay, because I want to be okay.
Because I'm tired not being okay.
So let me start from the beginning.

Hello, my name is Cynthia and I have Bipolar Disorder (professionally diagnosed). In order to get better I have to take medication so I won't have any manic or depressive episode.
I don't wish to be on the medication for lifelong, because even right now, I feel like it effects my memory. I may not be the best, but I used to feel like I'm good at writing and I have been having some difficulty to remember words and so sometimes I feel like I'm having so many difficulty to write or to say something.
But if I have to be on it and it helps me, then I will try to be on it and take my medication regularly.
God knows what will happen if I didn't anyway.
But sometimes its not as easy as that though.
Bipolar Disorder is also way more complicated than just extreme mood swings and pills and other things that you might know about it.
The majority of people think they understand "depression," and so they "think" they know about "bipolar disorder," though they may not really know how devastating it can be unless they have some kind of experience like that.

I have wrote about me having a depression due to the death of my father but I wrote this NOT to make you understand or aware of mental illness such as Bipolar Disorder but merely to make you understand how Bipolar Disorder had been effecting me and my life.
I cannot always control my emotions especially my temper, it always like that since I was very little.
Anger. Its just written all over my face. That's what my psychiatrist and a lot of people said to me anyway.

I accepted it that I may be a little bit unstable. 
Yes, I accepted it but I assure you its not because I want to find something wrong with me or think it would be "cool" or whatever bullshit people these days keep on saying or thinking about having a mental illness, its simply because I'm exhausted. 
Nothing seems to work and trust me I tried everything.

All those things has lead to the point where I hallucinated and crying uncontrollably for hours without any reasons, get paranoid and seem to be more agitated.
Then at last, lead to the point where I had suicidal thoughts and decided to cut myself. And while I cut myself, I didn't care what people will think of me because I may used to cut myself because "I like blood" or whatever odd reasons I kept telling everyone.
I didn't care because while I did it, I felt.. how can I describe it to you.. It feels "magical".
Because I felt relieved. I sigh, and felt relieved as if all the pain can just disappear if only I kept cutting and from there I realised why they did it. I understand.
I understand.

So that is the reason why I went to a professional and now taking medication regularly.
I asked professionals and read articles and books about treating Bipolar without any medication.
The quick answer is: no. 
The long answer is: sort of, a bit.
By "sort of, a bit" means that it takes a very strong commitment and hard work to do it and sometimes it may not work, just like medications; sometimes it does work, sometimes it doesn't.
So please, I have my own shrink and I study psychology (so I may know it a lot better than you) and I am the one who is experiencing all of it, all I'm asking is your support.
I thank you for your concern but telling me that I should just "live more healthily because pills won't really help" or "you could get addicted to the medication" or "maybe you should pray more" is just making it harder. Trust me, I had years of trying it all. Literally, ALL of them.
And I want you to stop because I'm NOT actually popping pills, I'm taking medication that I'm supposed to take.
And if you even try saying things like "others have it worse than you," please, just leave.

Because for months, I feel like I am drowning from the inside.
For months, I could feel as if my sanity is slipping away and I say this with no exaggeration.
For months, I struggled.
For months, I fought my own mind.
For months, I was afraid of my own mind.
For months, I tried to make sense of everything.
For months, I tried and I failed.
Scratch that, for years, I tried and I failed.
So I do not need another more months or another year.
I do not want another more months fighting a battle that had ended.
I may have lost it in the end, but with so what feels like little help, I think my coping skill work just fine. And because life can be hard sometimes, but living inside a bell jar makes it even harder and I'm trying my best.
So please don't make it harder.
And for those who read this and start stigmatising me or those who are like me, well I really don't care and I guess shame on you.

Because sometimes its okay not to be okay.
Bipolar disorder is soul-consuming,
And so sometimes all we need is support because sometimes that's all you can give.

Because thank you for making me a better person, but fuck you, for everything else.

You'll probably already guessed that my demon would only be my mind, but it wasn't always; it used to be and will always be anger.
But this time, it has become my saving grace. Anger has come to the rescue.


5 stages of loss and grief:

1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance


Today, I rekindled a friendship but from rekindling that friendship I think in no time I'll let go of another friendship that has died a long time ago. Once and for all.

Two more stages to go and I will be free. Free from your toxic love. Playing the role of the victim and talking shit behind my back ain't gonna help sweetheart, your heart ain't gonna heal from all the shit you put it through. You'll not feel happier. Don't you feel it already?

Stop blaming everything on everyone,
Stop blaming it on me because I don't even know where I did wrong (I'm not a mind reader)
Stop acting like an asshole,
Stop being a liar,
Stop making me look and sounded like a blithering idiot and a lunatic because I think I can accomplished that by myself thank you. Maybe I already had, but you were my friend, you were supposed to have my back.
So, stop.

For all that we've been through I thought I owed you that much to be a good friend for once. I waited for you to be ready to fix things between us while all you did is talk shit behind my back. I thought I can count on you to always be there. I thought I can count on you to be honest unlike the others. Yet you turned out to be just like what everybody else said; a pathetic prick.

So (Dear,          )

I'm sorry I'm not the one you're looking for,
I'm sorry I'm not her
I'm sorry I couldn't save you.
I'm sorry you didn't want to be saved,
I'm sorry you're broken.
I'm sorry you lose faith,
I'm sorry today's not the day your heart healed from all the pain you felt,
I'm sorry that's not my fault,
I'm sorry it had to end like this,
I'm sorry but now I no longer care,
I'm sorry but now you can go fuck yourself.

C.L.

A NEW YEAR OR A NEW BEGINNING OR JUST A TRANSITION? OR IS IT A TRAIN OF THOUGHTS THAT RESULTED IN A TRANSITION?

For me, night is always the time when everything come together.
Every thoughts, every feelings, every moments. Everything. At least, most of the time it's like that.

A new year has just began which means new beginning has also began or will soon begins.
Last year, not only I but also my family had gone through so much and I've come to realised that its an endless nightmare, especially for my Mother.
I ended 2014 thinking how stressed out my mother must be feeling. I mean, a single mother who had three children that are still in school who always live and probably used to with living the high life.
At least, for us, in our little Indonesian family, where my other relatives are not very fortunate, I feel like our life are quite luxurious. Every time we want something, we probably will get it. Now, I've to consider everything especially the future every time I want to do something or buy something. In other words, priorities. I need to think what is more important, is it the thing I currently want or something I will want in the future or something that I actually need? I have to change my priorities and I guess that happens when you grow up, right? The consequences I guess.

I know that some of the things that happened to us are probably my Mother's fault, but nobody's perfect, that is all I could say without saying anything bad about her while still speaking the truth.
Honestly, I love her. Of course I do, she's the only parent I have and if it were my Dad, I would use every second of my time spending time with him and show him appreciation and love. I would use it very wisely. Very. So that is why I hope I could be a more understandable person at least for my Mother. I also hope things will work out as they should and all of the hard work that I did will pays off and hopefully, things will get better. I know it seems like a delusional expectation as someone who is very cynical might even think hope is a delusional thing, but I just want to see everyone happy. I want to feel happy. I want to be in that moment where you feel like everything is just right and that you are in the right moment, at the right time. You're just where you're supposed to be, and everything feels right and you know everything will be alright. But yeah, I guess that only happens in movies or books.

Movies and books.
I guess that's why I read so many books and watch so many movies. While my imagination and knowledge and probably also my intellect is growing and expanding, I ended up living a hopeless life due to the too high expectation about job, life and... love.
I expect a man who will stand outside my house with a boom box like the character Lloyd that was played by John Cusack or questioning "why can't I have the Harry to my Sally?" Then wanting a man like the character Charlie in "Letters to Juliet," a man who'll do tiny little thing yet very significant for you, such as going on a date to an observatory where we'd watch the Universe. Very romantic isn't it? But that is just foolish of me, foolish of everyone to expect such a person is still exist in real life. As if it ever even existed. Foolish and rubbish.
I mean, maybe Alain de Bottom is right. Nowadays if you asked whether someone believed in love or not, they'd probably say the didn't when it's not necessarily what they think or truly feel. Its just their way to defend themselves against what they want. Against love. They pretend not to believe in love until they're allowed to believe in it or until the right time comes or the right person comes. Most people would throw away all their cynicism about and on love if the could, the majority, including me, just never get the chance. My therapist told me that, I guess the reason that I don't believe in love especially in the unconditional kind is because I never feel it nor even I see it with my own eyes. All of those things I believe only happens in movies and books.

Is it too cynical though to think this way?
Maybe it is.
I guess if it is I'll just wait for something or someone to change the way I think and feel. The question will be, when?

Yeah, I know. The future could be an unknown, unpredictable bitch sometimes. Making you look like a blithering idiot but maybe it would be worth it, all we have to do is just wait and see. But you know what they say, waiting is always the hardest part.

Before I give my usual advise(s), I want to tell you something.
Do you remember when my posts were so dark and depressing? Yes, I had one of my... episodes. I harmed myself due to the pain that I felt and so I went to a psychiatrist to seek help and as it turn out I have Bipolar Disorder. I may not be the best person to give these kind of advice but I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's a wonderful life, it may not seem or feel like it, but it is and we should cherish every moment of everyday. Invest more of our time on those people that are really matter. While I have the unfortunate conditions where my emotions tend to get out of control, but being and feeling happy really is our choice. To be more optimistic rather than pessimistic is also our choice. To believe that there is such thing as magic in life, and not live a life that is always rational, is also our choice. The choice is ours, because sorrow is how we learn to love and time will help you make sense of everything else.

I'm going to bed.




2015 resolution: none.
Everyday resolution: be better.

Because it was always about her..

The first thing babies do is cry then they observe to look for comfort.

They observe their surrounding. 

The place, the atmosphere, and the people.

Then the first thing they learn is communication. 

But then we grew up. I realised how hard it become to always have to know what to say or how to say what you want or what you need. I realised that we tend to miscommunicate with each other due to numerous reasons. Words usually even lose its meaning as soon as its being said. 

So here I am.

A few months later I found myself writing about you again,
When I have promised myself that I won't but I do it anyway. No matter how hard I want to deny it, I still think about him from time to time.

Okay, but here is the thing:

1. He's an ass.
2. He's an ass.
3. He's an ass.

So yes, I think that says it all. 

But you know how when you were kids you always hope that everything will be just fine if only you wish it and if only you be good? That's the funny thing about life, some of us never lose hope. No matter how many time you said that you had had lose hope, you probably still hoping inside, even just a little bit for the thing that you wished for to come true. 

Too often the thing you want most is the thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken too often. It wares us out; it can wreck your life. Sometimes, all it did is just wreck you mentally and left you heartbroken. Then you find yourself damaged by the pain. It catches you by surprise and you think that you can fix the damage, but sometimes we can't even see the damage, so then the first thing you probably think is, "if I can't see the source of the problem, how can I fix the problem?" 

We're all damaged. Some of us are more damaged than others. Some of us even carry the damage with us since childhood or from childhood. Then as time goes by, we wait someone to fly underneath us and save us then fix us but I guess that's the thing about broken people, maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way because without it maybe we just wouldn't feel like.. us anymore. I don't know. Maybe. 

But here I am, realising how utterly stupid I was to even think there is a chance all of those thoughts were about me. To think that things will be just fine when our friendship, if you can call it that or whatever it was between us was already over long ago. It was over because you didn't say anything. All you said was that, "we're okay," when we were far from being okay. If you tried to talk to me and tell me what was wrong maybe it could be, but you decided for the both of us that we didn't need to talk about it and instead of fixing it all, you talk shit behind my back.

I lost count of the sorry' I said to you, but I did not lose count of the sorry you say or said to me because you never said any. I told you that I want to explore the feelings we had and I promised you that if things didn't work out as plan then we'll go back being friends like we used. 

As it turns out, my feelings for you was real but I guess the one you had (if you ever had any) for me has long gone and now I realised I don't want to be friends with you. Not anymore. Because you were right, friends don't do what we did. Kiss always mean something and if we're friends, then you wouldn't leave me in the dark not knowing what was going on because whoever says, "What you don't know, won't hurt you" was a complete and total moron because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world. Ok fine, maybe it's the second worst but back to the point, I am one of those people and if only you tell me what was wrong instead of talking shit about me like I'm just some girl you just met, maybe things could be different. 

I know that I said I will always be there for you no matter what, but it was a year ago, you've changed and I've changed, I think we could move passed on the fact that it doesn't matter anymore like our friendship didn't matter to you. Like I didn't matter to you. Like all I said wouldn't even matter to you, as it never was. It never did, it never will. 

I guess I was right. You were still carrying that old wounds of yours. It should have healed but it left behind a scar that when you look at it, you can still remember the pain because the pain still lingers then it reminded you of the good memories. Because when there's bad, then there's good and vice versa. And because all the things that I thought was about me were never about me. Because all the things I thought about me, was always about her.. 

Maybe it will always will.

Gloomy and getting dark and blue, so here is a thought(s) that is/are less dark: its time to learn to forgive. When someone had wronged you or hurt you all you want to do is hurt them back and to see them suffer the way you do but sometime hurting somebody else doesn't help you recover. Sometime it only help for awhile but then just like an addict you have to start again. Its hard, but I know it will be worth it. Taking the first step is the hardest and the first step on forgiving someone is to try. So try, then you'll figure out what to do. 

But nah i kinda want to punch you in the face first.