I can feel that there is something in me that is trying to break free.
I can feel myself becoming yet my agitated, anxious self again.
Once again, I can feel myself slipping away.
I've been back here in a place I used to called home for almost a month now and I can already feel my head is filled yet again with so many somber thoughts. I was finally able to enjoy life with less interference from somber thoughts. 8 months of leaving "home" did me real good but since I'm back, I know sooner or later I will need to go back to therapy again.
It got me thinking that maybe I don't have bipolar after all. Maybe, just maybe, all of this stress is caused of being back here. Of being back home. All those medication does help, but I was after all doing just fine without it for 6 months or so.
I guess its true; change is hard and painful. Growing is also painful. But staying stagnant in a place that you don't belong is the most painful of all. Jakarta is not a home anymore. The anxiety level in Jakarta is off the charts and it creates the source of my pathos; source of my genuine somber thoughts. What good comes from having friends and family when you know they also create this big hole in your chest and messy, jumble thoughts in your head? We might be near and close together but our love is stronger when we're apart and when we're far away from each other. When you're near me, all I could feel is this unwanted feeling, of insecurity, of not being loved enough, of not being enough. I can't and I won't be that person. Not again, not anymore.
I know, I know. This "problem" I'm having may not feel or look real, hell, it might just be me being a whiny bitch but I know that a change needs to really happen. Diving into the unknown, not to escape but to finally live the life that I want. Here is to making a change.
I guess its true; change is hard and painful. Growing is also painful. But staying stagnant in a place that you don't belong is the most painful of all. Jakarta is not a home anymore. The anxiety level in Jakarta is off the charts and it creates the source of my pathos; source of my genuine somber thoughts. What good comes from having friends and family when you know they also create this big hole in your chest and messy, jumble thoughts in your head? We might be near and close together but our love is stronger when we're apart and when we're far away from each other. When you're near me, all I could feel is this unwanted feeling, of insecurity, of not being loved enough, of not being enough. I can't and I won't be that person. Not again, not anymore.
I know, I know. This "problem" I'm having may not feel or look real, hell, it might just be me being a whiny bitch but I know that a change needs to really happen. Diving into the unknown, not to escape but to finally live the life that I want. Here is to making a change.
So here is to pursuing the unknown.
Here is to pursuing the future.
Here is to finally living and not just.. existing.
No comments:
Post a Comment