Friday, November 13, 2015

INCREDIBLY LOUD, AND DISTANT.

I've recently encountered a new acquaintances. One is a writer that has many achievements that she can be proud of. On our conversation, many topics come up including the topic of "happiness". As most writers tend to be bitter and a cynic while also a sensitive, I have to disagree with a lot of things that she said. I know that I despise her in some way. No, I don't find her intimidating, I did feel intimidated but only for a split second. How would you not? When you're showered with questions about the things you just started learning. She is being incredibly and annoyingly foolish. But no, I know something about her made me despise her. Is it the lack of respect I have towards her? Maybe. She is a smart girl. A smart writer maybe but I know there is something that she says or did that struck a nerve but I don't know if I can be objective to this matter as human memory can be a funny thing, it sometimes tricks you into thinking and believing certain things happens and certain things did not. And others will say they remember different thing.

I also don't think I can be as objective especially when I tend to forget the things that I said or did or that is happening in front of my eyes when my mind wanders into the extremes. But one things that I know is that now that I'm back home, all those strong, intense anger and annoyance has re-emerge. But I honestly don't have the slight intention to let it linger even though I can feel it already consume me. I don't really know what happened on that encounter but its like someone turn on a switch in me and now I'm just so full of anger, once again I'm full of questions unanswered. I want to let it out but I don't want to make myself looking like a big fat fool for saying that I can't really be object to. So now I kept letting it out onto the wrong person. 

Do you wanna know what I miss? The States. Even the tranquil that filled me while I'm in England. I was having a good time in England. It might not be great but it was at least close to good. I got friends who support each other while pushing you to reach your goal instead of forcing you and judging each other. Friends who understands when its time be loud and obnoxious and when its time to have peace and quiet. I know, deep down, I know I won't be happy to be back. I know. Home is too exhausting. Exhaustively anxious. Home is just a place. But its no longer a place I could call home. Not anymore. And people in it too are exhaustively draining, emotionally and physically. I don't understand anyone who wants to come home once they're out of this place. 



I am at home, but I feel so distant.

I am at home, but it feels like hell.

Consumed by fire, I want to turn every single living things into ashes. 

You're probably thinking, 'life is complicated enough, do yourself a favor and stop yourself from filling it with so many drama. Your life is not a greek tragedy, stop acting so dramatic, will you?'

Yeah, well now you know. That is how I feel about the complaints all of you makes. 

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