If you want a good fortune, what do you do? You work hard, right? You work and work and work. At some point, you might be losing faith in the potentials of your future, so you pray. A lot of the time, if you want to get far, you're more likely to work with somebody and pray together or on your own. Without you realising, today might be that someday. But if you just half-heartedly work for it alone, or let the other person in your team do most of the work while you take a break in the here and there, or mess up the work only then to pray. Today just becomes another day that someday never come. Then you blame someone for it or say to the universe, "oh, I guess its just not meant to be". That's not how it works. You have to consciously choose for your life; be the dreamer and the doer in your life.
As I was writing this, I realised that as always I am also writing this for myself. As always, I'm writing in order to untangled the yarn of my thoughts in order to heal. Becomes my own mind and my own perspective can be my own worse enemy sometimes. Hence why lately I have been reacting to every emotions and states that passes and stays with me. Whether it be love, fear, anger or shame or confusion. There is a suppressed part of me that needs healing, but by reacting to my own fear of the dark and wanting to say on the side of light, I ended up digging my own self further. So, I stayed. I healed the parts of me that I used to fear to heal. To let go of the anger that anchors me and helped me survive. Instead, embracing the opposites of anger and fear, to finally live.
Because how can you receive love and connections, but whenever you bid it, you turn yourself away or against it? I'm not saying you have to trust somebody completely with everything, at least not until they earn it because before that that is not love, that is just stupid. But you cannot show only one part of yourself to someone and not give them a chance to see the whole of you, simply because you do not trust that someone will accept it. Simply because you are afraid of rejection. This is a betrayal of self and of others.
Two questions comes to mind: are our boundaries built from love or fear? Are we putting up boundaries or walls? There is an article that I read that said, "boundaries are made from self-love; anchored in self-worth. They stand firm in the knowledge and conviction of how you will tolerate being treated and what you are willing to do. They define the compromises that you will or will not make. Walls are made from fear. Fear of being hurt or seen. Fear is why we chose to keep the walls, love is the way we bring them down." With boundaries, we learn that it is okay to say "no". But with walls, comes the other part of the important lesson: that sometimes we can find that person or arrived at that someday where it is okay to say yes. Yes to a life you never thought about but want. Yes to a love that you want and possibly need. Yes to yourself and to parts of your self that needs acknowledgement in order for the love and compassion for self to grow; in order for yourself to grow. A lot of the time strength actually comes from the ability to become soft when your body and mind tells you to be hard. If you're bidding for love, you cannot bid without vulnerability; you only ended up bidding with ego and that is a selfish love. Walls protects your heart and brain by resisting to what you yearn for, but you owe it to yourself to take the walls down so you can say yes. Life is waiting not within the prison you build, but the other side of it. This is how we become conscious in building a life we want: by letting go of the dysfunction, of what does not serve us anymore, for something that is better, that will and willing to be better. So, ask yourself this, what happened if you do let go and tear your walls down? But instead of finding hurt, you found love? Would you be courageous enough to find out?
Your story matter. Your story is worth to be heard. Especially by yourself. Act out of love for yourself to know when to say, "yes, it is and you are the person/today is the day that lucky enough to be chosen by me. You are worth it, and today I chose that my story is worth to be heard by you; I trust you with my story. I chose I am worth it that I will consciously build my life, not out of fear but despite of it."
I'm learning to not let the past define who I am anymore. I am learning to not become the victim of my past, or anybody else's. I am taking the first step by choosing to want to have the courage I need to do the work. I don't know how long it would take me to get to other side, all I know is that I will. I am learning to not resist what will arrive and comes for me, but I am learning to become resilient; the strength that will be needed if what I want is not what I need nor what is meant to be but chose to accept it. Learning to draw strength from a softer places in me to be able to accept love that comes from within and outside of me. Learning to draw strength from every parts of me to build a life I deserve, even in times when I don't think I deserve it—especially then. I have learned to be responsible, now comes the time to learn to be accountable.
–C.L.
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