-TODAY SESSION-

Anger, fear, happiness and forgiveness was the main topic of today session. My therapist used to asked God, "God, why do you force us to forgive? How do we forgive? Its the hardest thing to do and you know it." Now I'm asking the same thing.

I keep saying that I don't want to be angry or afraid all the time and anymore, I know feeling hurt, that pain sometimes is the thing that makes us feel alive most. But what if I want to be happy? What if I want to make happiness the thing that makes me feel alive? What should I do? Should I make my own happiness project? Should I quit everything that I do and just travel around the world, seeking love? When the answer was just forgive. But its hard as fuck.

Sometimes feeling blessed and forgiving is so different, that if you didn't do the forgiving part, your past will still dragging you down. All my therapist kept on saying was, "if you want to be happy, lose all of that anger. Forgive. Try a way to forgive. Its the hardest thing to do, but you will liberate yourself from all the negative emotion you are feeling." But how can you forgive someone who awfully wronged you? Do you wait for them to say sorry to you? Do you wait till you say, "this is it. Today is the day I will forgive that person."? When is it?

People make mistakes, but when they did it over and over again, is it still a mistake?
How can you forgive someone who wronged you when they feel no remorse about it?
How the fuck can you open your heart and forgive?
Why the fuck bad things seem to keep on happening to you? Why does it have to be this bad? What strengths must I develop further from this? The strength to forgive? Is that it?

There are probably tons of moments in our lives when we feel afraid, hurting, angry or confused. We know that the choices we make in those moment will define us. But when you're faced with the unknown or when you something significant will happen to you if you make any decision, either it will lead you to the righteous path or it will you to an unjust path, some of us afraid to choose we decide to choose not to do anything about it, or just turn our back on the issue. I'm facing one of those moment right now, and I may not know how to really forgive someone, because forgiveness is a promise, not a feeling. When you forgive other people, you are making a promise not to use their past sin against them and I cannot do that yet but I know one thing; not doing anything about it is also making a decision and I know that I need to rise above myself and forgive those who've hurt me. All I need to do is find the right answer or probably the right question and find a way to forgive. Yeah....easier to be said than done.

Forgive.
Its good for the soul, they said.

BALANCING IT ALL. BEING CHAOTIC VS FEELING GRATEFUL.

I feel tired. That's all I feel.
But most of all, all i feel is pain.
and lonely, sometimes.
In a constant pain and in a constant chaos.
I'm in pain, but who doesn't? I guess how you handle the pain is more important sometimes than the pain.

I want to find humour in everything, the time will come when I will, but maybe now is not that time yet.

I feel so angry all the time. I'm mad for constantly giving and caring, yet I don't feel appreciated. I wasn't expecting anything in return, I mean it feels good to know you that someone needed you and feel like they could count on you but just for once in awhile its also good to know that someone will always be there when you needed them most. But then I realised, I got all that. Sometimes all you need is one person. That is it.

My mind might be chaotic, but those who mind, don't matter and those who matter, don't mind.

I found myself in between the loony-bin and reality as I am not neurotic, just different..

Endless day trying to figure out if there is something wrong with you is awfully dreadful and that dreadfulness turn into relief, when you finally know what's wrong with you.

But then you feel scared at the same time. Scared knowing that there is something wrong with your mind, as you are not defined as "mad" but just.. different.
Then you feel scared and embarrassed telling your loved one what is actually wrong with you. Tired of explaining what is wrong with you. Tired of explaining what is wrong in your head.

A couple of weeks ago, I did something I didn't proud of. I want to tell you what I did, but I'm not ready for the whole world to know. I mean, anyone could find this blog so basically I could say the whole world. But all I can say is that now I'm in therapy once for every 2 weeks and taking meds regularly.

I tried explaining what is wrong with me to my mother, but all I feel was fear. Fear of her finally understand me and I don't need feeling stigmatised as I do not wish for this and I wish it didn't happen to me but it did and I wish that I could recover soon enough and I wouldn't have to be treated for this for the rest of my life. I really do wish that. But when I tried to explain and asked her if she would be fine about going to therapy and taking medication as long as I need to, all she said was, "It will go away."

Don't you think that I didn't wish that too, Mother??! Is it too inconvenient for you for me to have such illness? Is yours all that matter? Its so hurtful to find how insensitive people are.

I really do want to tell you what is going on, but as soon as I'm making any progress, I will share my side of the story. But believe me when I say that I do not seek attention nor I look for sympathy, I am merely here to tell you the story of my boring life.

To tell you the truth, I'm just not ready feeling stigmatised by everyone. But also to make it clear, I do feel grateful towards a lot of things in my life but sometimes the mind, my mind, couldn't help but ricocheting in between the loony-bin and reality. I am not admitting to anything yet, as admitting to everyone is harder than I thought.

I am trying to find my way back, that's all you need to know for now.

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT

While trying to do my best, I get this feeling that everybody is watching.
They're watching my every move. Wondering, "what she gonna do? What she gonna do? Will she make it?"

Ok. I lied. I'm not trying to do my best, I'm doing what I can. But when everyone seem to watch your every move, while they are watching, expecting great things for you, how will you feel? Probably pressured and anxious.

What am I doing anyway? It feels as if I no longer have a purpose anymore. Does anybody know what the hell they're doing before they reached their destination? Probably not. But seriously, what am I doing? I've been trying to create inner guidance to guide me with every emotional roller coaster that I went through and I have to go through.

Trying so hard to believe that no matter what, I can do this. I know I can, but once I truly believed that I can, I know that if it didn't work out, it will crush me. It will only lead to disappointment. So, how can I go on? Small progress is better than no progress, but I'm no longer want to feel disappointed and self-loath anymore, but how can I go on? Is doing what I can is enough? Is doing whatever it is I'm doing is enough?

"When you hit the books, and the books hit you back." I want to eat someones' brains. Getting really fixated about the whole thing even though I still receive time and space to breathe, but I feel like I just did something I will regret. Why do I have to be so stubborn? I know it ought to happen sooner or later. I know it will. Why didn't I listened?

One of the character in greys anatomy said, "I need something to be good. I need a reason to get up every morning, to not crawl back to that cave." And so yes, I need something to be good. But how can I go on? Sometimes I found that push to go on, but most of the time I don't. What should I do now? Should I go on or pause or just stop? But I'm not a quitter, and I know I should go on, but how? How can someone just keep on going, trying to thrive in situation like this, while having so little faith in the Universe even in themselves?

The answer would probably, "Fake it till you make it and hope for the best."
Success doesn't happen overnight and if you don't believe it will happen, I guess you just need to fake it, keep going and stick with it. I know it will happen. I know it will, I just don't know how. Or when

I know it will hapen, all I have to do is believe and hold a bit longer..

ALMOST

Quitting. Giving up.
Its the easiest thing to do.

I just want everything to be done. I used to love the thrill of chasing this dream I had, now its slowly crushing me and all I want to do is just.. give up. I want to cry my eyes out and be done with it. I used to love it, but now, all I feel is just weary.

I thought I had it all figured out, but I should've known. Nothing lasts. People leave, things work out for awhile then it didn't. It always like that.

I should quit, but I held on for so long and I know, it will be worth it. I know it will work out somehow. Not now, not today, but it will. All I have to do is just hold a little longer.

But I'm slipping away..

I am ready to let go..

So God, pull me up.

Hear it.

Hear my prayer.

I need you.

CARING VS FEELING DISAPPOINTED; TIRING VS GIVING UP; DOING MY BEST VS DOING WHAT I CAN

So..
I got psychology and chemistry exams tomorrow. Then I got biology exam the next day and on friday I got maths exam.

Can I stop the clock and have a break? maybe a meltdown?

I no longer care if I pass or not.
I will try what I can, but I seriously am tired of trying. I'm not saying that I'm giving up, simply saying that I'm tired of feeling disappointed by all the expectation, tired of trying over and over again. Just want to get this over with.

What do you do in these kind of situation?

"All happy families are alike; each unhappy families are unhappy in its own way."   

—Leo Tolstoy

Wow.
Hello everyone, I'm sure you all know by now that I had a meltdown just about two days ago. As someone who had been going down that same path a couple of times, I have to admit, I feel pretty embarrassed about it.

I cried for hours and all those psychological creepy kind of shit that your mind make.
I guess I get why I did terribly on those exams that make me change my mind of going to medical school. I was so scared if I did get it that I might crack and I'll blew up everything. Truth is, I know I was going to crack. I know it will happen.

I hate confrontation, and I'm not very good with a high stress lifestyle. I'm not ready for that anyway since I couldn't get a control of what is going on in my head.

A girl with a LOT of baggage. Very attractive.
not. 

Anyway, as it happened again, my family isn't in a really good term. Well, I'm not really in a good term with them anyway. I wish I can just talk about everything and pour my heart out, but since its a family matter, can't really say much about it as someone who knows someone from my family might read it.

But all I can say is that, my Mother haven't been mother of the year so far. She haven't been a really good role model for.. any of us really. I know she's doing everything that she could, but.. can it erased what has been going on?
I can't even look at my little sister. I just can't look at her the same anymore. As I said, I hate confrontation, I had enough of those kind of drama in the past, I don't really need it nor I want it especially right now.

I keep on asking myself, "what should I do? What should I do to make it better without getting me into a lot of psychological crap disorder?" I guess that is why I feel so okay helping others, because of the detachment in the relationship and the more I care, the more it gets to me. (Well obviously)

So yes, now I feel paralysed by choice and make no choice. But the thing is, no choice is a choice. If you're not doing something about it, you're doing something about it. Now I'm really paralysed. 

I guess all I need is a break from everything but for now, I'm just gonna study harder and do my best. Hopefully it will worth all the pain.