"We can love completely even without complete understanding"

Today I woke up with a sad heart. Again. I miss him terribly. I couldn't understand why this healing is taking so long and even after I decided to leave, I still feel a sense of loyalty that made me feel I'm in the in-between. I prayed, I meditate, I socialised, I feel. But still, some mornings and days are good, some mornings I woke up only to find the pang and hollowness back on my centre. But maybe this is what it should feel like when you let go someone who you thought (and still think) is the love of your life. Because I once said that, "If at the end of it this would end, I'm okay with it; you're worth the pain." To have felt a love as pure and as good as we had in the beginning was definitely worth this pain, I just didn't think that this day would ever come. 

I just didn't think that somewhere along the way we would also hurt each other in a way that we did. You told me that I was holding a grudge, when that was exactly what I think you were doing. I hurt you after a month I left you the first time. You said you forgiven me. But I think you were just waiting for the right time to hurt me the way that I hurt you, if not more. You waited and made sure so that it looks like it wasn't your intention to do so because it wasn't you who initiated anything. So you can also convince yourself that is not something you were doing. 

But now although I still couldn't trust you and I'm not sure I should or ever will, I have forgiven you and I never did stop loving you.