After a lot of thinking and researching for someone who i can talk to about my problems and shit unimportant issues, I finally come to my senses and decided to talk about it in here (and so that someone that I will talk to will not think I'm such a pathetic whining girl)

so anyway, its been really a stressful months, and next month would be more stressful than this and I have no idea how to cope with it, I think I'm about to go crazy. This whole thing with my school, education, family blablabla, are just the whole main reasons why I just want to shoot myself in the head.

I know that I'm not alone in here, in England or even in this world (I know right, how pathetic you think I am, even I think I'm pretty pathetic right now), but i just feel like I'm all alone. Since my dad died, since I've moved down here, everything just change without including me in it, even though its kind of a part of my life too. they just sort of change without me knowing, its like I'm on this journey, in this kind of bubble and I thought I've only inside this bubble for a day when I've been inside of it for almost 2 years now.

I know, blahblahblah. but don't you ever feel like that? like ever?

I don't know why I'm angry all the time. it feels like I'm angry with my dad for being dead, and I feel like I'm angry with everyone for changing themselves. But the one that I'm really angry at is myself.

I want things to be perfect, I want them to be exactly like what I want, no missing details. I want to do that, do this, buy that, sell that. I want too much things. There is just too much things going on in this world, and there is too much things going on inside of my head.

But all i need is a friend. who is good enough to just listen and be there to even listen about my stupid problems. But everyone is just busy with their life, they even too busy to remember their friend. even just for a talk.

I'm just so mad at everyone. I'm just so mad at myself. But all I need is a friend to talk to.


Lots of love,
Cynthia Clara,
xxxx