I've been sounding so manic lately, its really annoying. 

I apologized to those who has to listen to me babbling about random, insignificant things. 

AN ABSOLUTE GREAT DAY IS ALWAYS FILLED WITH EITHER GREAT PEOPLE, GREAT BOOK OR GREAT CONVERSATION OR ALL OF IT IN ONE (AT LEAST FOR ME)

I started today thinking how nice it would be to sleep in and watch some movies or series but unfortunately I have to shower and get ready for work, I mustn't be late especially today since one of the owner and the founder of Sejauh Mata Memandang (the exhibition that I was working at) is coming to held a lecture of how to use and apply different kinds of techniques in using batik/kain.

Though it would be nice to sleep in and be a potato-couch even just for today, but I feel very fortunate that I accepted this job. Not just because I get extra cash but its also because I met a lot of interesting, inspiring and such kind people. I've smiled more in the last 48 hours more than I have in the last couple of months. I've met a lady from the North if I wasn't mistaken, these two young women who were trying to start up their own brand, and mba Citra Subyakto herself, her assistant (a wise women I must say) and a lot of other interesting, wise women. 

What I saw today wasn't only people come to an event where a little lady giving tips on how to use "kain" but it was also these successful people came to give their knowledge, to inspire and to be inspired. They tried to help each other, lifting them up instead of trying to tear each other down. They all gathered to appreciate and to share their appreciation towards our culture. The Indonesian culture. 

After the event was finished and before the gallery was closed, I get to spend an hour or so talking and sharing my never ending life problems to a very wise woman and lets just call her, O. In that one or two hours that I spend with O, I got a lot of useful advice from her more than I ever got from talking to anyone in one long day. 

I will tell you a lot more about what happened today but due to the fact that I can't keep my eyes open, I'm going to continue this post when I can! 

GREETINGS FROM JAKARTA!

Hi there!

Since I'm back in Jakarta, trying to be as productive as possible again, I took a temporary job at A.P.A (Alternative Public Artspace) Gallery that is located at The Goods Space, Plaza Indonesia, 5th Floor. They're currently having "Sejauh Mata Memandang" Textile Exhibition where it collects stories and richness of Indonesia that are transformed into motifs on a piece of cloth and on weekends there will also be Visual arts. The exhibition will lasted until the 13th of December but I will only be here until the 12th. Though it might only be a small exhibition but you might still want to come and check it out. If you do, don't hesitate to say hi! and here is a picture of the exhibition and a selfie from me 

p.s. pardon my tired face as I haven't slept for almost 24 hours

                       

             

SEEKING LIGHT, ONCE AGAIN.

I can feel that there is something in me that is trying to break free. 

I can feel myself becoming yet my agitated, anxious self again.

Once again, I can feel myself slipping away.

I've been back here in a place I used to called home for almost a month now and I can already feel my head is filled yet again with so many somber thoughts. I was finally able to enjoy life with less interference from somber thoughts. 8 months of leaving "home" did me real good but since I'm back, I know sooner or later I will need to go back to therapy again. 

It got me thinking that maybe I don't have bipolar after all. Maybe, just maybe, all of this stress is caused of being back here. Of being back home. All those medication does help, but I was after all doing just fine without it for 6 months or so. 

I guess its true; change is hard and painful. Growing is also painful. But staying stagnant in a place that you don't belong is the most painful of all. Jakarta is not a home anymore. The anxiety level in Jakarta is off the charts and it creates the source of my pathos; source of my genuine somber thoughts. What good comes from having friends and family when you know they also create this big hole in your chest and messy, jumble thoughts in your head? We might be near and close together but our love is stronger when we're apart and when we're far away from each other. When you're near me, all I could feel is this unwanted feeling, of insecurity, of not being loved enough, of not being enough. I can't and I won't be that person. Not again, not anymore. 

I know, I know. This "problem" I'm having may not feel or look real, hell, it might just be me being a whiny bitch but I know that a change needs to really happen. Diving into the unknown, not to escape but to finally live the life that I want. Here is to making a change. 

So here is to pursuing the unknown. 

Here is to pursuing the future. 

Here is to finally living and not just.. existing.

WHEN STRANGER POSTED GREAT QUOTES

"The true genius shudders at incompleteness – imperfection – and usually prefers silence to saying the something which is not everything that should be said." 

– Edgar Allan Poe 

INCREDIBLY LOUD, AND DISTANT.

I've recently encountered a new acquaintances. One is a writer that has many achievements that she can be proud of. On our conversation, many topics come up including the topic of "happiness". As most writers tend to be bitter and a cynic while also a sensitive, I have to disagree with a lot of things that she said. I know that I despise her in some way. No, I don't find her intimidating, I did feel intimidated but only for a split second. How would you not? When you're showered with questions about the things you just started learning. She is being incredibly and annoyingly foolish. But no, I know something about her made me despise her. Is it the lack of respect I have towards her? Maybe. She is a smart girl. A smart writer maybe but I know there is something that she says or did that struck a nerve but I don't know if I can be objective to this matter as human memory can be a funny thing, it sometimes tricks you into thinking and believing certain things happens and certain things did not. And others will say they remember different thing.

I also don't think I can be as objective especially when I tend to forget the things that I said or did or that is happening in front of my eyes when my mind wanders into the extremes. But one things that I know is that now that I'm back home, all those strong, intense anger and annoyance has re-emerge. But I honestly don't have the slight intention to let it linger even though I can feel it already consume me. I don't really know what happened on that encounter but its like someone turn on a switch in me and now I'm just so full of anger, once again I'm full of questions unanswered. I want to let it out but I don't want to make myself looking like a big fat fool for saying that I can't really be object to. So now I kept letting it out onto the wrong person. 

Do you wanna know what I miss? The States. Even the tranquil that filled me while I'm in England. I was having a good time in England. It might not be great but it was at least close to good. I got friends who support each other while pushing you to reach your goal instead of forcing you and judging each other. Friends who understands when its time be loud and obnoxious and when its time to have peace and quiet. I know, deep down, I know I won't be happy to be back. I know. Home is too exhausting. Exhaustively anxious. Home is just a place. But its no longer a place I could call home. Not anymore. And people in it too are exhaustively draining, emotionally and physically. I don't understand anyone who wants to come home once they're out of this place. 



I am at home, but I feel so distant.

I am at home, but it feels like hell.

Consumed by fire, I want to turn every single living things into ashes. 

You're probably thinking, 'life is complicated enough, do yourself a favor and stop yourself from filling it with so many drama. Your life is not a greek tragedy, stop acting so dramatic, will you?'

Yeah, well now you know. That is how I feel about the complaints all of you makes. 

I wander so far 

Only to come back

To a place I used to called home

It turns what is familiar into an unknown essence 

And you (and I)

left me alone between the extremes 

But then I read about a woman

Who killed herself because

The demon in her head is savagely stronger than her.

Its fire lit her brighter

Than the light within. It made her

Embrace hell by lighting herself on fire

And so I wrote about a girl, Who 

is fierce but scarred

She embrace the light within but keep her demon at bay

With pure-gold love, 

She created a home filled with 

A glimmering shadows of mosses

She simultaneously turning things mundane, magnificent.

Her peculiar endeavors, blossoms

The ethereal beauty of the world in between.

But words sometimes turns prosaic,

You will always be an enigma to me

And the sturdy voice of chaos will always be a part of me.

So in the midst of the confusion,

I wander away 

To find myself and to find home.

So in the midst of the frustration,

I wander away

To break free from my demons (and yours)