Because it was always about her..

The first thing babies do is cry then they observe to look for comfort.

They observe their surrounding. 

The place, the atmosphere, and the people.

Then the first thing they learn is communication. 

But then we grew up. I realised how hard it become to always have to know what to say or how to say what you want or what you need. I realised that we tend to miscommunicate with each other due to numerous reasons. Words usually even lose its meaning as soon as its being said. 

So here I am.

A few months later I found myself writing about you again,
When I have promised myself that I won't but I do it anyway. No matter how hard I want to deny it, I still think about him from time to time.

Okay, but here is the thing:

1. He's an ass.
2. He's an ass.
3. He's an ass.

So yes, I think that says it all. 

But you know how when you were kids you always hope that everything will be just fine if only you wish it and if only you be good? That's the funny thing about life, some of us never lose hope. No matter how many time you said that you had had lose hope, you probably still hoping inside, even just a little bit for the thing that you wished for to come true. 

Too often the thing you want most is the thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken too often. It wares us out; it can wreck your life. Sometimes, all it did is just wreck you mentally and left you heartbroken. Then you find yourself damaged by the pain. It catches you by surprise and you think that you can fix the damage, but sometimes we can't even see the damage, so then the first thing you probably think is, "if I can't see the source of the problem, how can I fix the problem?" 

We're all damaged. Some of us are more damaged than others. Some of us even carry the damage with us since childhood or from childhood. Then as time goes by, we wait someone to fly underneath us and save us then fix us but I guess that's the thing about broken people, maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way because without it maybe we just wouldn't feel like.. us anymore. I don't know. Maybe. 

But here I am, realising how utterly stupid I was to even think there is a chance all of those thoughts were about me. To think that things will be just fine when our friendship, if you can call it that or whatever it was between us was already over long ago. It was over because you didn't say anything. All you said was that, "we're okay," when we were far from being okay. If you tried to talk to me and tell me what was wrong maybe it could be, but you decided for the both of us that we didn't need to talk about it and instead of fixing it all, you talk shit behind my back.

I lost count of the sorry' I said to you, but I did not lose count of the sorry you say or said to me because you never said any. I told you that I want to explore the feelings we had and I promised you that if things didn't work out as plan then we'll go back being friends like we used. 

As it turns out, my feelings for you was real but I guess the one you had (if you ever had any) for me has long gone and now I realised I don't want to be friends with you. Not anymore. Because you were right, friends don't do what we did. Kiss always mean something and if we're friends, then you wouldn't leave me in the dark not knowing what was going on because whoever says, "What you don't know, won't hurt you" was a complete and total moron because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world. Ok fine, maybe it's the second worst but back to the point, I am one of those people and if only you tell me what was wrong instead of talking shit about me like I'm just some girl you just met, maybe things could be different. 

I know that I said I will always be there for you no matter what, but it was a year ago, you've changed and I've changed, I think we could move passed on the fact that it doesn't matter anymore like our friendship didn't matter to you. Like I didn't matter to you. Like all I said wouldn't even matter to you, as it never was. It never did, it never will. 

I guess I was right. You were still carrying that old wounds of yours. It should have healed but it left behind a scar that when you look at it, you can still remember the pain because the pain still lingers then it reminded you of the good memories. Because when there's bad, then there's good and vice versa. And because all the things that I thought was about me were never about me. Because all the things I thought about me, was always about her.. 

Maybe it will always will.

Gloomy and getting dark and blue, so here is a thought(s) that is/are less dark: its time to learn to forgive. When someone had wronged you or hurt you all you want to do is hurt them back and to see them suffer the way you do but sometime hurting somebody else doesn't help you recover. Sometime it only help for awhile but then just like an addict you have to start again. Its hard, but I know it will be worth it. Taking the first step is the hardest and the first step on forgiving someone is to try. So try, then you'll figure out what to do. 

But nah i kinda want to punch you in the face first. 

-TODAY SESSION-

Anger, fear, happiness and forgiveness was the main topic of today session. My therapist used to asked God, "God, why do you force us to forgive? How do we forgive? Its the hardest thing to do and you know it." Now I'm asking the same thing.

I keep saying that I don't want to be angry or afraid all the time and anymore, I know feeling hurt, that pain sometimes is the thing that makes us feel alive most. But what if I want to be happy? What if I want to make happiness the thing that makes me feel alive? What should I do? Should I make my own happiness project? Should I quit everything that I do and just travel around the world, seeking love? When the answer was just forgive. But its hard as fuck.

Sometimes feeling blessed and forgiving is so different, that if you didn't do the forgiving part, your past will still dragging you down. All my therapist kept on saying was, "if you want to be happy, lose all of that anger. Forgive. Try a way to forgive. Its the hardest thing to do, but you will liberate yourself from all the negative emotion you are feeling." But how can you forgive someone who awfully wronged you? Do you wait for them to say sorry to you? Do you wait till you say, "this is it. Today is the day I will forgive that person."? When is it?

People make mistakes, but when they did it over and over again, is it still a mistake?
How can you forgive someone who wronged you when they feel no remorse about it?
How the fuck can you open your heart and forgive?
Why the fuck bad things seem to keep on happening to you? Why does it have to be this bad? What strengths must I develop further from this? The strength to forgive? Is that it?

There are probably tons of moments in our lives when we feel afraid, hurting, angry or confused. We know that the choices we make in those moment will define us. But when you're faced with the unknown or when you something significant will happen to you if you make any decision, either it will lead you to the righteous path or it will you to an unjust path, some of us afraid to choose we decide to choose not to do anything about it, or just turn our back on the issue. I'm facing one of those moment right now, and I may not know how to really forgive someone, because forgiveness is a promise, not a feeling. When you forgive other people, you are making a promise not to use their past sin against them and I cannot do that yet but I know one thing; not doing anything about it is also making a decision and I know that I need to rise above myself and forgive those who've hurt me. All I need to do is find the right answer or probably the right question and find a way to forgive. Yeah....easier to be said than done.

Forgive.
Its good for the soul, they said.

BALANCING IT ALL. BEING CHAOTIC VS FEELING GRATEFUL.

I feel tired. That's all I feel.
But most of all, all i feel is pain.
and lonely, sometimes.
In a constant pain and in a constant chaos.
I'm in pain, but who doesn't? I guess how you handle the pain is more important sometimes than the pain.

I want to find humour in everything, the time will come when I will, but maybe now is not that time yet.

I feel so angry all the time. I'm mad for constantly giving and caring, yet I don't feel appreciated. I wasn't expecting anything in return, I mean it feels good to know you that someone needed you and feel like they could count on you but just for once in awhile its also good to know that someone will always be there when you needed them most. But then I realised, I got all that. Sometimes all you need is one person. That is it.

My mind might be chaotic, but those who mind, don't matter and those who matter, don't mind.

I found myself in between the loony-bin and reality as I am not neurotic, just different..

Endless day trying to figure out if there is something wrong with you is awfully dreadful and that dreadfulness turn into relief, when you finally know what's wrong with you.

But then you feel scared at the same time. Scared knowing that there is something wrong with your mind, as you are not defined as "mad" but just.. different.
Then you feel scared and embarrassed telling your loved one what is actually wrong with you. Tired of explaining what is wrong with you. Tired of explaining what is wrong in your head.

A couple of weeks ago, I did something I didn't proud of. I want to tell you what I did, but I'm not ready for the whole world to know. I mean, anyone could find this blog so basically I could say the whole world. But all I can say is that now I'm in therapy once for every 2 weeks and taking meds regularly.

I tried explaining what is wrong with me to my mother, but all I feel was fear. Fear of her finally understand me and I don't need feeling stigmatised as I do not wish for this and I wish it didn't happen to me but it did and I wish that I could recover soon enough and I wouldn't have to be treated for this for the rest of my life. I really do wish that. But when I tried to explain and asked her if she would be fine about going to therapy and taking medication as long as I need to, all she said was, "It will go away."

Don't you think that I didn't wish that too, Mother??! Is it too inconvenient for you for me to have such illness? Is yours all that matter? Its so hurtful to find how insensitive people are.

I really do want to tell you what is going on, but as soon as I'm making any progress, I will share my side of the story. But believe me when I say that I do not seek attention nor I look for sympathy, I am merely here to tell you the story of my boring life.

To tell you the truth, I'm just not ready feeling stigmatised by everyone. But also to make it clear, I do feel grateful towards a lot of things in my life but sometimes the mind, my mind, couldn't help but ricocheting in between the loony-bin and reality. I am not admitting to anything yet, as admitting to everyone is harder than I thought.

I am trying to find my way back, that's all you need to know for now.

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT

While trying to do my best, I get this feeling that everybody is watching.
They're watching my every move. Wondering, "what she gonna do? What she gonna do? Will she make it?"

Ok. I lied. I'm not trying to do my best, I'm doing what I can. But when everyone seem to watch your every move, while they are watching, expecting great things for you, how will you feel? Probably pressured and anxious.

What am I doing anyway? It feels as if I no longer have a purpose anymore. Does anybody know what the hell they're doing before they reached their destination? Probably not. But seriously, what am I doing? I've been trying to create inner guidance to guide me with every emotional roller coaster that I went through and I have to go through.

Trying so hard to believe that no matter what, I can do this. I know I can, but once I truly believed that I can, I know that if it didn't work out, it will crush me. It will only lead to disappointment. So, how can I go on? Small progress is better than no progress, but I'm no longer want to feel disappointed and self-loath anymore, but how can I go on? Is doing what I can is enough? Is doing whatever it is I'm doing is enough?

"When you hit the books, and the books hit you back." I want to eat someones' brains. Getting really fixated about the whole thing even though I still receive time and space to breathe, but I feel like I just did something I will regret. Why do I have to be so stubborn? I know it ought to happen sooner or later. I know it will. Why didn't I listened?

One of the character in greys anatomy said, "I need something to be good. I need a reason to get up every morning, to not crawl back to that cave." And so yes, I need something to be good. But how can I go on? Sometimes I found that push to go on, but most of the time I don't. What should I do now? Should I go on or pause or just stop? But I'm not a quitter, and I know I should go on, but how? How can someone just keep on going, trying to thrive in situation like this, while having so little faith in the Universe even in themselves?

The answer would probably, "Fake it till you make it and hope for the best."
Success doesn't happen overnight and if you don't believe it will happen, I guess you just need to fake it, keep going and stick with it. I know it will happen. I know it will, I just don't know how. Or when

I know it will hapen, all I have to do is believe and hold a bit longer..

ALMOST

Quitting. Giving up.
Its the easiest thing to do.

I just want everything to be done. I used to love the thrill of chasing this dream I had, now its slowly crushing me and all I want to do is just.. give up. I want to cry my eyes out and be done with it. I used to love it, but now, all I feel is just weary.

I thought I had it all figured out, but I should've known. Nothing lasts. People leave, things work out for awhile then it didn't. It always like that.

I should quit, but I held on for so long and I know, it will be worth it. I know it will work out somehow. Not now, not today, but it will. All I have to do is just hold a little longer.

But I'm slipping away..

I am ready to let go..

So God, pull me up.

Hear it.

Hear my prayer.

I need you.

CARING VS FEELING DISAPPOINTED; TIRING VS GIVING UP; DOING MY BEST VS DOING WHAT I CAN

So..
I got psychology and chemistry exams tomorrow. Then I got biology exam the next day and on friday I got maths exam.

Can I stop the clock and have a break? maybe a meltdown?

I no longer care if I pass or not.
I will try what I can, but I seriously am tired of trying. I'm not saying that I'm giving up, simply saying that I'm tired of feeling disappointed by all the expectation, tired of trying over and over again. Just want to get this over with.