SEEKING LIGHT, ONCE AGAIN.

I can feel that there is something in me that is trying to break free. 

I can feel myself becoming yet my agitated, anxious self again.

Once again, I can feel myself slipping away.

I've been back here in a place I used to called home for almost a month now and I can already feel my head is filled yet again with so many somber thoughts. I was finally able to enjoy life with less interference from somber thoughts. 8 months of leaving "home" did me real good but since I'm back, I know sooner or later I will need to go back to therapy again. 

It got me thinking that maybe I don't have bipolar after all. Maybe, just maybe, all of this stress is caused of being back here. Of being back home. All those medication does help, but I was after all doing just fine without it for 6 months or so. 

I guess its true; change is hard and painful. Growing is also painful. But staying stagnant in a place that you don't belong is the most painful of all. Jakarta is not a home anymore. The anxiety level in Jakarta is off the charts and it creates the source of my pathos; source of my genuine somber thoughts. What good comes from having friends and family when you know they also create this big hole in your chest and messy, jumble thoughts in your head? We might be near and close together but our love is stronger when we're apart and when we're far away from each other. When you're near me, all I could feel is this unwanted feeling, of insecurity, of not being loved enough, of not being enough. I can't and I won't be that person. Not again, not anymore. 

I know, I know. This "problem" I'm having may not feel or look real, hell, it might just be me being a whiny bitch but I know that a change needs to really happen. Diving into the unknown, not to escape but to finally live the life that I want. Here is to making a change. 

So here is to pursuing the unknown. 

Here is to pursuing the future. 

Here is to finally living and not just.. existing.

WHEN STRANGER POSTED GREAT QUOTES

"The true genius shudders at incompleteness – imperfection – and usually prefers silence to saying the something which is not everything that should be said." 

– Edgar Allan Poe 

INCREDIBLY LOUD, AND DISTANT.

I've recently encountered a new acquaintances. One is a writer that has many achievements that she can be proud of. On our conversation, many topics come up including the topic of "happiness". As most writers tend to be bitter and a cynic while also a sensitive, I have to disagree with a lot of things that she said. I know that I despise her in some way. No, I don't find her intimidating, I did feel intimidated but only for a split second. How would you not? When you're showered with questions about the things you just started learning. She is being incredibly and annoyingly foolish. But no, I know something about her made me despise her. Is it the lack of respect I have towards her? Maybe. She is a smart girl. A smart writer maybe but I know there is something that she says or did that struck a nerve but I don't know if I can be objective to this matter as human memory can be a funny thing, it sometimes tricks you into thinking and believing certain things happens and certain things did not. And others will say they remember different thing.

I also don't think I can be as objective especially when I tend to forget the things that I said or did or that is happening in front of my eyes when my mind wanders into the extremes. But one things that I know is that now that I'm back home, all those strong, intense anger and annoyance has re-emerge. But I honestly don't have the slight intention to let it linger even though I can feel it already consume me. I don't really know what happened on that encounter but its like someone turn on a switch in me and now I'm just so full of anger, once again I'm full of questions unanswered. I want to let it out but I don't want to make myself looking like a big fat fool for saying that I can't really be object to. So now I kept letting it out onto the wrong person. 

Do you wanna know what I miss? The States. Even the tranquil that filled me while I'm in England. I was having a good time in England. It might not be great but it was at least close to good. I got friends who support each other while pushing you to reach your goal instead of forcing you and judging each other. Friends who understands when its time be loud and obnoxious and when its time to have peace and quiet. I know, deep down, I know I won't be happy to be back. I know. Home is too exhausting. Exhaustively anxious. Home is just a place. But its no longer a place I could call home. Not anymore. And people in it too are exhaustively draining, emotionally and physically. I don't understand anyone who wants to come home once they're out of this place. 



I am at home, but I feel so distant.

I am at home, but it feels like hell.

Consumed by fire, I want to turn every single living things into ashes. 

You're probably thinking, 'life is complicated enough, do yourself a favor and stop yourself from filling it with so many drama. Your life is not a greek tragedy, stop acting so dramatic, will you?'

Yeah, well now you know. That is how I feel about the complaints all of you makes. 

I wander so far 

Only to come back

To a place I used to called home

It turns what is familiar into an unknown essence 

And you (and I)

left me alone between the extremes 

But then I read about a woman

Who killed herself because

The demon in her head is savagely stronger than her.

Its fire lit her brighter

Than the light within. It made her

Embrace hell by lighting herself on fire

And so I wrote about a girl, Who 

is fierce but scarred

She embrace the light within but keep her demon at bay

With pure-gold love, 

She created a home filled with 

A glimmering shadows of mosses

She simultaneously turning things mundane, magnificent.

Her peculiar endeavors, blossoms

The ethereal beauty of the world in between.

But words sometimes turns prosaic,

You will always be an enigma to me

And the sturdy voice of chaos will always be a part of me.

So in the midst of the confusion,

I wander away 

To find myself and to find home.

So in the midst of the frustration,

I wander away

To break free from my demons (and yours)

WISHING FOR A BETTER DAY(S)

When you're home but it doesn't feel like home, it feels instead like an abandoned house. 

Hello, how are you? Haven't wrote any post in awhile as I was on a vacation for two weeks and was also so busy with work before that. I was ALSO taking a break from writing as I felt like all the things that I wrote are filled with prosaic words and I don't want to waste any words. I don't want to write things or say things that I can't feel, and mean nothing to me. I don't want the things that I say or write turn into simply a noise; a white noise; an empty words. 

But I'm back now. I'm home. But it no longer feels like home. I don't feel like I'm home. 

Well, I do feel like I'm at home, but things aren't the same. Too much has changed already. It doesn't feel like coming back home, it only feels like coming back to a place that I always visited and come backs to. Home feels like an abandoned house; you know and you can feel that it is filled with memories but its been abandoned for awhile and now all you can feel is the feeling of being abandon. All you can feel is the trace of strong feelings you can't feel anymore.

I guess I'm adjusting again.

I guess I'm an empty vessel again.

I guess I'm trying to be okay again.

I guess I'm trying again.

I guess things should really be different now. Change for the better.

I guess I need to be better.

So much better.



The city is too pretentious and the people in it are also pretentious. I hope that this time would be better and if it doesn't I can be better so that I don't have to stay in it too long.

Let the war and struggles begin. I'll see myself at the finish line.

ON HOLIDAY

WILL BE BACK WITH NEW WRITINGS SOON 

TOLSTOY WAS RIGHT

I used to don't understand how someone can be not on a speaking term with their parents. 

But when your parent act less like a parent every single day and instead of protecting you from all evil and dangers, they're the one that asks for the protection, you can finally grasp the fact that sometimes, even family (or should I have said especially?) can grow apart. And that some people can't change and there is nothing you can do about it. 

Now I understand.