THE GHOST OF HER SCARS

you come to my house, 

writes a poem on the wall in lipstick, 

pulls out all our sad records,

becomes the memory

I can't face,

and becomes the unforgettable 

darkness.

somebody keeps trying 

to find the light switch,

trying to find the off button,

and I'll just keep saying sorry,

even if i try, 

I can't tell you

how I fluctuate between extremes

over and over again

and even if i try,

I can't tell you

when one day you just wake up 

and feel the void around you

but that rock bottom isn't deep enough.

so I swallow all those words,

because trying to survive

the endless storms 

while drowning at the same time 

and watching you scream

and as I watch you try 

to console me

all I heard you say was, "we all have it. you need to stop."

as if its all in my head,

so I keep saying sorry

keep telling the same lie,

but you don't deserve to hear any of it

so fuck you and the rest of the world,

I don't owe you, any of you, anything.

a man used his lips

to kissed my cheek,

he wrap his twisted, sickening itch

around me.

he crafted a glittering scars.

and with a touch of fingers,

a woman grow thorns around me,

crafting another wall of scars.

they did the crime and did the time,

but time can't bring the soul back.

not even a hint of sorry.

broken promises is all I get,

and you think you deserve a way in to my mind?

you think you have the privilege to tell me 

what and how to feel and think?

let me bury you

and the rest of the world

under the fierce scream of those people

with broken souls

that searches for a broken home they called love.

let me smother you

and the rest of the world

with agony,

until it scars your soul 

and make you love the taste of heartbreak,

a taste that leads to insurmountable ache.

because I owe you nothing,

and that's all I'm going to give.

– C.L.

EVERYTHING ALWAYS BECOMES TOO MUCH & YOU'RE NOT ENOUGH

I find myself at the edge of the cliff again
but do I have the strength,
not to fall
and not let it all go?

I find myself staring
at the blade
that always
touches my sorrow and ease the pain.

I find myself fighting
the demon inside,
once again.
it bleeds me dry.

I find myself crawling
back into the black void.
where are you?
where is god?

am I really destined
for all the pain?
I keep fighting. but for how long?
keep saving myself from myself. but for how long?

they think its alright,
they think I'm alright,
but the truth is
everything is

a mess.
and I'm a mess,
and because I'm tired,
people let you down

the world is a cruel place
where you can lose your soul in a blink of an eye,
and they thought I'm having
the time of my life.

pull me out,
I dare you.
carry me out,
I dare you.

try,
I dare you.
stay,
I dare you.

because
people leave
thats what they do.
always.

because
people expects you
to be okay
while they give it all up.

because
what I do in the shadows
are sometimes better
than what they can offer.

pray, so
my heart won't shred in pieces, so
my mind won't ignited, so
my soul won't go astray.

no thanks to mum,
no thanks to dad,
no thanks to god,
no thanks to you,

but i hope you understand,
if I never get better,
know that I always look
for all the light

I'm trying
not to surrender
but everything
always becomes too much

and you don't even try
but even if you do
your time is up,
you're not enough

so
lets just pretend, like we always do
that I'm okay
and that

we're okay
just pretend.
its such a waste,
i hope that you understand.

–C. L.

FEAR IS A DANGEROUS THING

I think, when it comes to life what actually scares me and a lot of people are: the future and people.
And maybe love.

Do you wanna know why?
Because those three have one thing in common: uncertainty.
When comes down to it, all we really do is actually just taking a chance and take that little step into the dark abyss of the unknown and the reason some of us couldn't do it is because either we're not ready to risk it all or we can't fake the braveness that we do not have to face the unknown.

I'm not saying I'm in denial or anything, but I think for me, I've risk everything and too much of it is lost in the process, so instead of risking everything that I have left, I've build up a wall to protect what I have left and guard it dearly. But after time, what scary is not finding someone either climbing up the wall or tearing down the wall, but it is realising that no one is doing any of that and for time to time you'll longed for something to happen or.. someone to come but mostly, you feel okay and actually relieved that no one is trying to mess with the wall you've created.

A friend of mine said, "I don't know what's wrong with you. I don't know how you can be so cold because I know you want to feel something. But why do you build up a wall so high no one can climb it? Why do you push people away? Its like you exile everyone before they can even knock on your door. Why?"

The quick answer would be: I don't know.
The long answer would be: you have to be really special to know why.

And we tend to worry too much about the future that we forget that our lives are still going and we're supposed to focus more on the present instead of the past and the future. On the other hand, people doesn't make it easier to live this struggling life that we live in. No matter how close you are with someone, I don't think that you really know them. I mean, we may only know a quarter of what their mind is thinking, but the rest of it? what the hell do we know? sometimes, they don't even know themselves what is going on inside those messy head. Sometimes, their emotions are affecting the mind making it unable to work at its best. And no matter how hard we try to profile them, we could still missed the little things they say, said, do or did.

I'm too sleepy to continue this post.................

M I S T A K E S

You've made mistakes.

That's what most people do anyway.

But the question will probably, how are you supposed to feel after?

Should you feel ashamed?

Should you fall down?

Should you say sorry?

Should you ruminate in misery?

But if someone keeps reminding you that you've made a mistake and keep saying how stupid you are for making that mistake in the first place, how do you think that would makes you feel? 

Unpleasant, right? Especially, when you're already drowning in guilt and keep on saying how sorry you are. 

I'm just saying, just because you can blame everything on someone, doesn't mean that you should do it all the time. Because sometimes its also your fault and next time, if you wanna get something done and right, maybe try doing it yourself. 

And just because you can be an ass doesn't mean that you should. You keep on wondering why there is no light where you are standing, when you're the one that created the darkness and you drag everyone to stand under the rain instead of the sun so you won't be alone and so they'll feel how you're feeling. So yeah, trying to understand someone when they keep on making you feel like crap isn't fucking easy. Since I'm trying to get rid of such negativity, I don't need that kind of negativity in life, I have enough of that inside.

I JUST REALISED THAT I JUST WANT TO BE A CAT SO I CAN EAT ANYTHING THAT I WANT AND GET FAT WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT HOW I LOOK ALL THE TIME. THAT SOUNDS LIKE HEAVEN.

This probably the best post I ever posted.

RELAX <> DON'T BE MAD <> I CAN FEEL YOUR ANGER

How do you know when you're being rational and when you're being irrational?
How do you know you're being selfish?

Anger is, my worst enemy. So scared of facing the bloody malignant "creature" I get mad towards those who are. Especially those who are towards me.
Or do I just don't want to get the blame for what I did?
Isn't "sorry" enough?
Isn't doing or giving more after saying sorry should be enough?
Isn't being sincere enough?

Can I be completely alone and have a breakdown once more?
Can I be completely alone and have shots of tequila once more?
Can I be completely alone and have a good cry once more?
Can I be completely alone and have the room for myself once more?

THE CATALOGUE OF UNPRETTY MIDNIGHT THOUGHTS

There's an army of unsolicited pain,

There's an army of unsolicited scars,

There's also an army of unsolicited darkness,

They come barging in,

And then there's an ambushed to the heart.

There is a place behind that dusk,

There is a place behind that tree,

There is a place behind that old house,

A place where weary love didn't exist.

There would be time when his voice soothes your aching body,

There would be time when his hands will trace your body like its a goddamn universe,

There would be time when his sweet words leads your heart and mind back home, 

There would be time when his love made you shiver.

But you're a lost stars,

But you're a falling leave,

But you're a broken bones.

The light went out,

And there is nobody,

Nobody's coming,

No one's going to love the hell out of you,

No one's going to kiss you underneath the flickering porch lights.

No one's coming,

And I don't know which one is scarier,

Knowing that you're alone,

Or knowing that you're scared of love,

Of loving,

Of being in love,

Of being loved.

– C.L.