Because it was always about her..

The first thing babies do is cry then they observe to look for comfort.

They observe their surrounding. 

The place, the atmosphere, and the people.

Then the first thing they learn is communication. 

But then we grew up. I realised how hard it become to always have to know what to say or how to say what you want or what you need. I realised that we tend to miscommunicate with each other due to numerous reasons. Words usually even lose its meaning as soon as its being said. 

So here I am.

A few months later I found myself writing about you again,
When I have promised myself that I won't but I do it anyway. No matter how hard I want to deny it, I still think about him from time to time.

Okay, but here is the thing:

1. He's an ass.
2. He's an ass.
3. He's an ass.

So yes, I think that says it all. 

But you know how when you were kids you always hope that everything will be just fine if only you wish it and if only you be good? That's the funny thing about life, some of us never lose hope. No matter how many time you said that you had had lose hope, you probably still hoping inside, even just a little bit for the thing that you wished for to come true. 

Too often the thing you want most is the thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken too often. It wares us out; it can wreck your life. Sometimes, all it did is just wreck you mentally and left you heartbroken. Then you find yourself damaged by the pain. It catches you by surprise and you think that you can fix the damage, but sometimes we can't even see the damage, so then the first thing you probably think is, "if I can't see the source of the problem, how can I fix the problem?" 

We're all damaged. Some of us are more damaged than others. Some of us even carry the damage with us since childhood or from childhood. Then as time goes by, we wait someone to fly underneath us and save us then fix us but I guess that's the thing about broken people, maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way because without it maybe we just wouldn't feel like.. us anymore. I don't know. Maybe. 

But here I am, realising how utterly stupid I was to even think there is a chance all of those thoughts were about me. To think that things will be just fine when our friendship, if you can call it that or whatever it was between us was already over long ago. It was over because you didn't say anything. All you said was that, "we're okay," when we were far from being okay. If you tried to talk to me and tell me what was wrong maybe it could be, but you decided for the both of us that we didn't need to talk about it and instead of fixing it all, you talk shit behind my back.

I lost count of the sorry' I said to you, but I did not lose count of the sorry you say or said to me because you never said any. I told you that I want to explore the feelings we had and I promised you that if things didn't work out as plan then we'll go back being friends like we used. 

As it turns out, my feelings for you was real but I guess the one you had (if you ever had any) for me has long gone and now I realised I don't want to be friends with you. Not anymore. Because you were right, friends don't do what we did. Kiss always mean something and if we're friends, then you wouldn't leave me in the dark not knowing what was going on because whoever says, "What you don't know, won't hurt you" was a complete and total moron because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world. Ok fine, maybe it's the second worst but back to the point, I am one of those people and if only you tell me what was wrong instead of talking shit about me like I'm just some girl you just met, maybe things could be different. 

I know that I said I will always be there for you no matter what, but it was a year ago, you've changed and I've changed, I think we could move passed on the fact that it doesn't matter anymore like our friendship didn't matter to you. Like I didn't matter to you. Like all I said wouldn't even matter to you, as it never was. It never did, it never will. 

I guess I was right. You were still carrying that old wounds of yours. It should have healed but it left behind a scar that when you look at it, you can still remember the pain because the pain still lingers then it reminded you of the good memories. Because when there's bad, then there's good and vice versa. And because all the things that I thought was about me were never about me. Because all the things I thought about me, was always about her.. 

Maybe it will always will.

Gloomy and getting dark and blue, so here is a thought(s) that is/are less dark: its time to learn to forgive. When someone had wronged you or hurt you all you want to do is hurt them back and to see them suffer the way you do but sometime hurting somebody else doesn't help you recover. Sometime it only help for awhile but then just like an addict you have to start again. Its hard, but I know it will be worth it. Taking the first step is the hardest and the first step on forgiving someone is to try. So try, then you'll figure out what to do. 

But nah i kinda want to punch you in the face first.